Hey America: What About the Sloshed Shanxi Sex Workers?

Note: I normally address my “blog” speeches to you, fine reader, but today I must speak directly to the great provider of funding, the US government.  Don’t worry, I will holla at y’all real soon.

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Hey America!  Yeah, that’s right Uncle Sam, I am aiming this “blog” straight at your Schlitz and SPAM loving noggin.  It’s me, Yan Xishan, the Model Governor, the Tomcat of Taiyuan, and the next president of China.  You remember me, I am your best hope to fight off those filthy sickos of the Japanese empire.  You know that I handle my “bizness” here in Shanxi and have more than a few hands in your pockets, thanks to my homies in the China Lobby.  Did you really think I would not hear about this sweet new source of funding?  Shit, I know more about US loans than Deng Xiaoping knows about lajiao and explosive diarrhea.

I refer, of course, to this late breaking announcement that the US will float 2.6 million to China, with the express purpose of training our fine sex workers, our proud prostitutes, our ladies of questionable virtue, how to properly drink booze.  Check this, from the always reliable internet media:

The federal government is spending $2.6 million to make sure prostitutes in China drink less on the job.

That’s the goal of a five-year study, bankrolled by the National Institutes of Health . . .

Now I was a bit concerned with the whole “drink less” thing, until I realized that you meant drink less than their customers.  Not a problem, my American friends.

But where is my share of the funds?  It turns out the cash will flow to Guangxi, where the government has some buddies.  Yan Xishan, shunned once more!  But besides this personal attack on my character by not giving me more money, this is a true insult to the proud sex workers of Shanxi:

Note: Not an accurate depiction of Shanxi sex workers

How is it that those Guangxi ladies get to be boozed up on Uncle Sam’s dime, while Shanxi sex workers must hope that their customers (loyal as they may be) pony up for a fenjiu, vinegar, and soymilk cocktail?  Does it not make sense to have our American friends ensure that they are drunk before we take them home?  Plus, as you may know I am good friends with some of Shanxi’s coal bosses, and some of these dudes are pretty gross, what with hygiene not being much of a priority down at the coal mine.  I am pretty sure the ladies would like to be totally hammered before having to let these upstanding citizens of New China grope them.

So America, I am “blogging” at you!  Pay up, and make it soon, my birthday party is coming up and some funding for sex worker drinks would free up more money for some guns (for firing into the air only, BTW).

YXS

This Shanzhai Shit is Getting Out of Hand

Loyal Readers:

Once again I must take off my warlord hat and put on the refined headgear of your informed social commentator.  Why, you ask?  Because this shanzhai shit is getting out of hand.  Oh, you probably figured that out from the title of this post.

First, what is shanzhai?  Shit, if you do not know, you may be beyond help.  Shanzhai literally means “mountain fortress” but thanks to the intertube world is now used to refer to knock-off goods, and can also be translated into the American slang term “ghetto.”  BTW, if you are not familiar with this word, you must be living in a cave.  A dank, stinky, Yan’an cave filled with wife sharing, pill-popping, yangge-dancing dumb-ass peasants.

Secondly, how do we know that the shanzhai craze has gotten out of hand?  My first clue was the fact that during a recent Chinese autoshow, half the cars were knockoffs of Western models.  Here is one example:

Looks vaguely familiar, no?

My second clue was when the New York Times, the “Grey Lady” herself, starting talking about how shanzhai China has become:

Technological advances have allowed hundreds of small Chinese companies, some with as few as 10 employees, to churn out what are known here as shanzhai, or black market, cellphones, often for as little as $20 apiece.

Although shanzhai phones have only been around a few years, they already account for more than 20 percent of sales in China, which is the world’s biggest mobile phone market, according to the research firm Gartner.

Now, we all know that the NY Times is a tool in the Jiang Jieshi and Guomindang machine, so for them to call out China, in the middle of a fucking war, says something.  BTW, what the fuck is a cellphone?  I digress.  Did I mention the shanzhai soy sauce made from human hair?

Now, many of you may be wondering why I care so much about this shanzhai shit.  Well, let me level with you.  Yan Xishan has been holding down Shanxi for decades.  As I stated before, I am the real revolutionary.  I helped bring down the damn Qing dynasty!  But with this shanzhai shit, I fear in the future my memory will be overshadowed by some shanzhai revolutionary.  Sun Yat-sen, Jiang Jieshi, even (gasp) that infamous peasant fucker Zhu De.  I thus call on my Chinese brothers and sisters, let us be a little less ghetto, a little less nongcun, and a bit more Taiyuan.

YXS

JPA Recruit of the Month: Bai Ling

Gentle Reader:

How honored I am to have you back at The Yan Xishan Blog, reading up about the ongoing struggles of China’s most powerful and handsome warlord.  How deeply I regret leaving you without an update for so long.  Truly you have endured a bitter winter!  To be honest my winter has been long and cold.  Not only was Taiyuan colder than the steely glare I give to student demonstrators before demanding their executions, but I lost my favorite winter military garb to one of my US military advisors in an ill-advised bet.  Turns out that after 14 beers, I was not able to shoot an apple off of a prisoner’s head.  Don’t worry, the prisoner is still alive.  Crippled, but alive.

Well, now the sun is shining and my mood has never been better.  As such, I thought it would be a good time to introduce my readers to my newest JPA recruit, a young lass named Bai Ling.  Some of you may be familiar with Bai Ling, as she is evidently a popular actress.  She is also evidently bat-shit crazy, as I learned from one my new favorite “websites” Movieline.  As she told them:

I’m one of the best actresses. One day I will win an Oscar.

Such craziness is so rare, that I realized that she would have a place in the JPA.  In fact, she is already used to serving in the Chinese military, as she used to be in the PLA.  She will fit right in.  Plus she shares a lot in common with the other girls serving under me.  First, there is the misguided sense of fashion:

Second, there is the questionable dance skills (or skillz, if that is what the kids say these days):

My only concern is how to utilize her.  Unlike some of my other JPA ladies, I cannot imagine her working directly under me.  I mean, I wouldn’t fuck her with Zhu De’s dick, and if you know Zhu De, you know he is a peasant fucker, so you do the math.  Plus, what kind of leader would get with a crappy actress? Oh yeah, the kind that like to hang out in caves and pop sleeping pills.

Her ability to delude herself seems promising, and it seems white dudes like to bang her… maybe I will tell her that she can serve China by fucking the US military advisor that took my coat.  I bet that coat would look great with genital warts.

YXS

On Censorship

I think the Commies need to do a better job on censoring thier peeps.  This would never fly in Shanxi!  Actually, I would sponsor this.  In fact, I am going to get one of my opera troops to perform a special cao ni ma show.

New Propaganda Posters for the Commies

Hola My Friends:

Just came across this on the “net” and thought I should share it with everyone.  I was going to print out a few thousand of them to spread around Shanxi to discredit the Commies, but who am I kidding?  Let me tell you, peasants just don’t understand.

That said, I think those fools over in Yan’an would be better off following a feline–at least they know a few basic facts about hygiene.

YXS

Meet China’s Next President!

Hello Peoples of the Internet:

Just a quick thought here–how much fucking longer am I going to have to wait before Jiang Jieshi steps aside and allows me my proper moment as ruler of China?  Granted, I do have Shanxi, and I love it here.  You have never lived until you spend a summer here in Taiyuan, the weather is awesome.  But Shanxi is just the first step to my national leadership.  Hell, even Henry Luce knows it, and he is so far up Jiang Jieshi’s ass that by comparison, Zhou Enlai seems like he could give a fuck what “Chairman” Mao thinks of him.  Check out this recent cover of Time Magazine:

OK, maybe not that recent, it is from May, 1930, over ten years ago.  But look at that promise, I am to be the next president of China!  It says so in print, so it must be true.  BTW, how awesome do I look?  My moustache is so full of awesome, no wonder Zhang Ailing keeps sending me love poems.

So it is clear that I will be the next leader of the most kick-ass civilization ever known to mankind, that of the great Chinese race.  But when?  How much longer can we suffer through this farce of division between the GMD and the Pinko Menace?  For China’s sake, I hope not long.

YXS

#4 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Tang

Gentle Readers:

Last night, gazing over the beautiful Taiyuan skyline as the sun set to the west of my fortified palace, watching the sun dip below the fragrant haze created by my coal mines, my mind wandered and I began to ponder some of the big questions that have been on my mind since I was a young lad.  Who or what created us?   Was Hong Xiuquan fucking crazy, or was he actually bat-shit crazy?  Why is it that I was destined for greatness, while peasants are destined to farm using their own shit as fertilizer?  Who put that stick up Jiang Jieshi’s ass?  Does Mao Zedong realize that with his accent, he sounds like a little bitch?

As I pondered my role in this world, and my status as a great Chinese leader (and the #1 Chinese thinker), this led me to a new line of inquiry: What is it that defines us as Chinese?  Not in terms of nationality, as this is a simple question.  In terms of nation, China refers to the great Han race and all those minorities lucky enough to be crushed by our superior numbers and hot pot technology.  No, as I pondered the meaning of “Chinese,” I was reflecting on the role of culture.

Now, when I was a young man, Chinese culture was a simple matter.  Drink tea, quote Zhu Xi whenever possible, eat rice, cripple your daughter by binding her feet, and repeat until you croak and your many sons mourn you for three years.  But within my lifetime, so much has changed!  Sure, we still got the rice thing, but nowadays Zhu Xi is out, and Ibsen is in.  And if you bind your daughter’s feet, you are considered a serious asshole.  A few decades ago, if you could not freely pontificate about the “investigation of things” while your womenfolk hobbled about within the seclusion of your estate, you would not be considered Chinese.  These days?  So much has changed!

Now, of course I am thankful for this change.  I mean, I rule Shanxi, so the whole end of the imperial era thing has kind of worked out for me.  Plus, I like a real active sex partner, and women with bound feet really cannot do some of the real freaky shit that I enjoy.  Yes, I know, this makes me a feminist, don’t remind me.  But if we cannot take Chinese culture and fossilize it, how can we ever be sure how to separate the great Chinese from the dirty, stinky, and typically hairy barbarian?  After worrying about this for a few hours, I finally relaxed, thanks to two things.  First was a stiff fenjiu cocktail, second was my memories of the #4 dynasty of all time, the great Tang dynasty!

The Tang was truly a great time.  First, as you can see, this was a large dynasty, one that extended a Chinese bitch slap all the way into Inner Asia along the Silk Road.  But what really appeals to me about the Tang was that this was a different China, one would have been unrecognizable to my parents and their generation.  That punk Zhu Xi had not yet put the Neo in Neo-Confucianism.  Women did not yet bind their feet, which meant when you sexed up Yang Guifei, she could do all your favorite positions!  Perhaps most importantly, China was open to other cultures and ideologies–Confucianism was actually taking a back seat to Buddhism!  Crazy.  But if China was culturally so different during one of its greatest eras (specifically, the #4 era ever), then China can change and grow!   This is great news for my plan to replace tea drinking with bourbon guzzling.

Now, the Tang is often considered to be the #1 dynasty of all time.  Close, but not quite.  How can we overlook the fact that the Tang was breifly usurped by the only female emperor in Chinese history?  Thanks to the so-called Empress Wu, the Tang has a black eye that cannot be covered up.  Good thing that I am a feminist, because I can come out and say what all Chinese men know, even us feminists: Women cannot rule All Under Heaven!   All Under My Pants, yes, but not All Under Heaven.

YXS

JPA Recruit of the Month: Chen Yi

Hola fellow travellers of the “Net”:

How time flies these days!  Sometimes I fear I have just too much on my plate: fighting the Commies, suppressing the local press, ignoring Jiang Jieshi’s pleas for help, not to mention the everyday problems that pop up in running my beautiful Shanxi!  It is a wonder I have any “me time” at all, but I do what I can.  After all, the young ladies of Taiyuan are not going to sexually harass themselves.

But time certainly has flown, and I just realized that I have fallen behind in my JPA recruitment quotas.  As my loyal readers know, I have made a commitment to bring the best and brightest into military service.  Thus last month I drafted Wendy Deng, to serve alongside our first recruit Xiao Yun.  This month’s choice was a no brainer, as I went with a young woman who is truly sympatico with me in terms of her views on foreign relations.  Chen Yi, report for duty!

Some of you might know Chen Yi as Rola Chen, famous for being a “Super Girl.”  If you do, for shame!  There is no reason to know anything about this girl except that she enjoys lying around in her swimsuit with Chinese and Japanese flags to keep her ass from sticking to what appears to be a couch made of fine leather.  Now, I do not care if this girl can sing, or if she has any real talents at all.  All I need is a new ambassador to the Japanese here in North China.  My last envoy, believe it or not, puked on General Miyashiro after a long night of sake bombs and uni.  So much face was lost!!!

Luckily, we all know that the xiao ribenr is a horny, dirty, and perverted beast.  Until now I had no way to really capitalize on this fact, excepting my highly successful “Panties for Guns” program.  For while the fine ladies of Shanxi were willing to provide me with used undergarments to help defend the realm (I also provided them with noodle coupons), they always drew the line with crossing enemy lines.  Chen Yi, however, is the kind of solider that is willing to compromise herself for the greater good.  Congratulations on being inducted to the JPA, Chen Yi–I see great things in your future.  Oh, be sure to bring lots of panties.  Something tells me that you are going to need them!

YXS

Yan Xishan Claims Victory

Dear and Loyal Readers:

As you are most certainly aware, I recently was forced to humble myself by conceding defeat in the Chinalyst “Blog of the Year” competition.  My retreat from the field of battle was entirely my own decision–I recognized that due to the lackluster HTML skills of the Chinalyst organizers, my entry was flawed from the get-go and would keep me from truly bringing the military might of Shanxi to the fight.  It would have been like going to war with Wu Peifu as your only ally–a bad idea indeed.  I would like to take this opportunity to say this to the Chinalyst people: For Shame!

While by bowing out of the competition kept me from dominating the vote, I was able to catapult Beijing Boyce to victory in the “Personal Blog” category through a timely endorsement.  Meanwhile, another “Friend of Yan” captured the overall title.  (Side note: Both of these bloggers used “Yes We Can” in thier victory annoucements.  It might be time for a new catch phrase boys.)

I would like to say that I never thought that I would play such a role in deciding the eventual victors, but I am not so humble.  After all, throughout the 20s it was my decisions that decided the power balance in North China, why should the world of internet tubes be any different?

But here is what did surprise me: After conceding defeat, you, my loyal fans, kept the good fight alive.  As such, while total victory was not achieved (or even asked for, as I had long ago dropped out of the race), this blog did kick some serious ass.  you can take a look at some of the losers who failed to match me here, but I can summarize most of these blogs for you: Hey, I am a laowai!  I live in China!!  OMG!!!!

One of those who failed to match my vote total deserves special attention: The Beijinger Blog.  I take no pleasure in this victory.  The old that’s Beijing forum was once an entertaining arena of exchange, but ever since my departure it has been on a steady decline.  Now it is a study in failure, and my easy victory over the Beijinger Blog–after I long ago conceded defeat mind you–does not look good for whatever Chinese woman is running the expat show in Beijing.

OK, back to work.  These peasants are not going to exploit themselves!

YXS

New Training Techniques for the JPA

Loyal Readers:

I trust you are all enjoying the end of the calendar year.  My US advisors have informed me that yesterday was “Christmas,” yet another excuse for them to take off from work and indulge themselves in the holy trinity of Western sins: drinking, whoring, and feeling superior to the great Chinese race.  Needless to say, only two of these sins are acceptable, and the third will no doubt result in a dejected look on their faces when thier grandchildren only speak Chinese (and with a perfect Shanxi accent to boot).

While I have humored my American guests by considering the importation of festivals such as Halloween and Thanksgiving, Christmas is a non-starter.  We are at war with the Commies, the Japs, and I am considering opening a “cyber” front against the uptight Dutchman who dared to remove the link to my blog from my Wikipedia page.  With so much conflict, how can I ask my people to waste their resources on gifting each other presents?  That is a waste of resources that needs to be funneled to me for my purposes!

Speaking of which, I have been looking at ways to keep the JPA in top fighting shape.  As such, when I stumbled accross this wonderful creation, I knew I just had to have it:

Once I get them shipped out to Taiyuan, all JPA barracks will have all regular doors replaced with ping pong doors.  I imagine this will keep my soldiers in top fighting shape.  Man, I cannot wait for the skills they will pick up in training applied in battle.  Can you imagine one of my officers delivering a wicked back handed slap across the face of an unsuspecting Ding Ling?  Oh, even better, how about Wang Guangmei?  That would be pretty damn hot.

YXS