As you must surely know, I recently embarked on a campaign to retake my homeland of Shanxi from those perverted wife-sharing Commies (they are actually currently sharing one of my own wives–luckily I am pretty sure hooking up with dirty peasant revolutionaries is grounds for divorce in the Shanxi legal code. If not, I will just add that when I get back).
After feasting with my US military advisers a few weeks back, I was shocked to see that they had no interest in helping me retake Taiyuan. I would have to go it alone. I gathered the JPA and set off on the slow train, with a brilliant stratagem in mind. I would take the JPA past Shanxi and into Shaanxi (yes you noob, these are two different places). Then I would strike from the West, where the Commies and their Comintern overlords would never see it coming.
Confident in my plan, I decided to enjoy the train ride. Is there a more beautiful place than the North China plains? I say not! As is my custom, I began to relax with a bit of booze. But the beer on the train was warm–backwards! The Model Governor does not drink warm beer! The train must be under the control of Feng Yuxiang, that guy would not know modernization if it mechanically bit off his ass. Luckily I had brought ample amounts of fenjiu, that Shanxi salve for all that bothers a modern warlord.
Alas, this is when things got out of control. I should have known better than to drink with the JPA. Pretty soon I was doing body shots, drinking fenjiu out the bellybutton of one of my quartermasters, a young Miss. Liu. Next thing you know, I wake up under the bottom bunk! That was like the xia xiapu. To my horror, we had long since passed both Shanxi and Shaanxi and were nearing the Tibetan highlands. To make matters worse, the JPA, deprived of their beloved leader, had lost their collective senses and debarked the train at various stops. All that was left was my reserve of crack troops that serve as my personal bodyguards/qi collection vessels. As well as Miss Liu, who was kind enough to accompany me to the xia xiapu.
I am attempting to regroup. It will not be easy. The locals here cannot understand my flawless Shanxi Chinese. But bringing down the Qing dynasty was not easy either. And I did that–BTW you can thank me the fact that you do not have to wear a queue. I used to have to rock one of those when I was pretending to be a Manchu loyalists–trust me, the ladies were not fans.
See you in Shanxi.
PS: Help another loyalist such as yourself by voting for Beijing Boyce (first member of the YXS Blogroll) in the 2007 China Blog Awards. Information can be found at his site here: