The Official Yan Xishan FAQ

Q: Are you really Yan Xishan?
A: Yes.

Q: Really, is that your photo?
A: Of course it is my photo.

Q: Wait, aren’t you dead?
A: Maybe in your time, but I am blogging at you from 1941.

Q: If you are in 1941, how can you be online?
A: Via a Shanxi supercomputer. It is too complex to explain to you n00bs, but the creation of this computer involved an abacus and a vat of Shanxi’s famous vinegar. Jiang Jieshi is totally jealous, especially since I have been Photoshopping dirty pictures of his wife and posting them online.

Q: Did you really earn all those medals?
A: Hell yeah! I am the veteran of several wars, and along the way I have picked up lots of sweet medals. I gots more bling than one of those rap dudes.

Q: Can I join the Juicy Pants Army?
A: Sure, check out how here.

Q: You have been accused of being “soft” on the Japanese invaders. What gives?
A: Strategy my friend. You really should read Sunzi. I am lulling them into complacency, and soon the JPA will wipe them out.

Q: Thanks Yan Xishan, but can you be more specific? How is the war actually going?
A: Thanks for you concern. As for the war, I will admit things could be better. Jiang Jieshi is a fool of a leader, and what I hear via the GMD grapevine, he cannot even satisfy his own wife. The Japs are relentless. Luckily they are helpless against Juicy Pants. I tell you, if I did not know better I would say those Japs are all perverts. The CCP? Don’t get me started on those wife sharing SOBs. But Shanxi will continue to stay under my power for the time being–the Juicy Pants Army will ensure that. It is just a matter of time before the US comes and bails us out. I’ll be waiting.

Q: The profile on your MySpace page says you are a “swinger.” What’s up with that?
A: That “modern” website did not have a category that could describe my exact situation, and so I choose “swinger” as a compromise. I have several wives (that is the fashion for powerful men such as myself) and I share an “open” relationship with them. I am open to have more wives, they are open to weave their little hearts out.

Q: Why did you stop updating your MySpace page?
A: I got tired of turning town friend requests from teenage girls from Alabama (and from Jiang Jingguo as well—that punk kid needs to get off my lawn).

Q: Wow, I just spent all afternoon reading your blog. You have changed my life, and for me to wander off into another corner of the internets without thanking you seems cowardly. How can I thank you for giving my life meaning, at least for a few hours?
A: Words of praise and thanks can always be sent to YanXishan (at) gmail dot com. In the meantime, feel free to remind others of my greatness in the comments section below.

34 Responses to The Official Yan Xishan FAQ

  1. Anonymous says:

    you are totaly delusional

  2. Yan Xishan says:

    If wanting to defeat my enemies with a highly trained army made up of women wearing pants that say Juicy across their asses makes me delusional, I would not want to be sane. BTW, be a man and use your name when you talk to adults.

  3. John Yen says:

    Great general, it’s spelled “yen”

  4. Yen Shu Shen says:

    This site rocks. Keep it up.

  5. Yan Xishan says:

    Two “Yens” commenting within two minutes of each other, what are the odds!

    John–no its not.

    Yen Shu Shen–I shall! Remember that friends of Yan Xishan are eligible for inclusion on my exclusive blogroll.

  6. Yen Family (not Yan) says:

    Related to John’s comment on Jan 16th, the Yan clan addopted the spelling “Yen” (as opposed to the Pinyin “Yan” when they moved abroad. By the way, can we get a free beer bot? In return, since you got kicked out of one of your “palaces” in Shanxi, we can sneak you in and show you the Yen House in Shanxi province! If China is too far away, I can send you pics of what it looks like in 2007.

    Cheers

  7. Joseph Yen says:

    good luck with the jpa and wives … gotta keep the pimp hand strong.

  8. Yan Xishan says:

    How nice to have so many Yan/Yen brothers visiting my website. Really, who cares about the spelling–it is just a different Romanization system. What is important is the proud Chinese character: 阎

    What a thing of beauty! Truly makes me proud of my Shanxi roots.

    I will work on that Beerbot, in the meantime you can sent me your images to YanXishan at gmail dot com. I wouldn’t hold your breath Yens–we are just in the process of retraining poppy farmers in the fine art of robotics.

  9. kevin yen says:

    pretty funny. you guys shoudl check out the article on wikipedia, they supposedly say that yan xi shan drugged his troops, and the reason why he lost his first major battle was because it rained and all their opium got wet. therefore without drugs.. the battle was lost….. hah…

  10. Yan Xishan says:

    So many Yens… Good to hear from you brothers. And yes, I know that having opium addicted troops can be a problem. But, if you ever spent a night with a loopy JPA squad, you would see that the rare defeat is well worth it.

  11. Inst says:

    I am thinking this blog sounds awfully like a Beijing-based blogger who was recently featured in the China Daily, and whose name begins with…

    Na. But I’m sure it has to be that guy.

  12. Yan Xishan says:

    Inst:

    Sorry to disappoint, but as I have stated often, I am based in Taiyuan, not Beiping. Besides, China Daily is too scared of me to feature my dangerous ideas. Perhaps you can point me towards this blog you speak of?

    YXS

  13. Inst says:

    A secret known by two is breached, so it’s not as though you’d tell me you were Brendan O’Kane, even if you were Brendan O’Kane.

  14. Yan Xishan says:

    Inst,

    I don’t see the resemblance. Sure, he has read Mozi once, but he’s just a kid in the big scheme of things. He just graduated from college… I graduated from military school back when the Qing dynasty was still alive and kicking. I hope that puts things into perspective for you.

    Besides, he does not seem shy about self-promotion. Why would he want to bring fame to Yan Xishan (not that I need it of course)?

    YXS

  15. Brendan says:

    Besides, he does not seem shy about self-promotion.

    Ouch! That’s what I get for agreeing to that damned China Daily interview, I guess.
    A peace offering: I have seen a line of panties on the backs of which are printed, in Gothic script, “MONDAY it’s JUICY,” “TUESDAY Thank god it’s JUICY,” all the way through “SATURDAY Night JUICY FEVER.” I think these may be just the morale-booster your JPA needs. How many can I put you down for?

    Anyway, Inst – really, it’s not me. Just look at all the difference — he updates his blog, for one thing.

  16. Yan Xishan says:

    Brendan,

    I will take the whole lot. Thank god it is juicy indeed.

    If you are updating your blog less than I am, you are in trouble.

    YXS

  17. Wu Pei Fu says:

    Yan Xi Shan,

    I haven’t seen you since since you and Jiang Jie Shi grabbed my land in the 20s.

    Where the hell did you learn all our history and Yang Wen? I just visited HongTong Xian which has changed lot since you left ShanXi.

  18. Yan Xishan says:

    Peifu,

    Shit, I thought you were dead. It has been a while, and in retrospect I do feel badly about teaming up with Jieshi to rout you back in ’27. I always respected your skills when it came to executing activists. I will have to honor you in an upcoming “Remembering a Fallen Warlord” tribute.

    BTW, I am still in Shanxi, but it has been while since I made it out to Hongtang Xian. Thanks to my never satisfied wives, I don’t get out of my Taiyuan palace much.

    YXS

  19. Wu Pei Fu says:

    Xishan,

    I am very glad you are going to put me in the “Remembering a Fallen Warlord” tribute. without me, you and KMT and CCP won’t be that shinning.

    You lucky buster are still living in your Taiyuan palace. KMT and CCP did not let me live in our motherland and I left and now live in a country occupied by European settlers.

    I am not a warlord anymore and am calling for peace between people.

    Can you please send your juicy pants army to calm down the crowd not to attack innocent stores and westerners. also Please send your beautiful wives to let the youth know blood to blood is not the solution.

    the evils who stir up the mess are willing to see the bloodshed of Han and Tibetan brothers. your juicy pants aemy should not let it happen.

    Peifu

  20. Wu Pei Fu says:

    Xishan Xiandi,

    You still haven’t replied my message. Are you still in bed with all your wives? You’ve lost your militery disipline. Shame on you!

    After I visited Shanxi recently, I have a strong feeling of calling on “Free Shanxi”

    There has been culture genocide in Shanxi: kids are learning mandarin instead of Shanxi Hua. young ppl don’t watch your JinJu opera. they watch those shity Hollywood movies. they don’t wear your beautiful traditional Shanxi clothes. they wear western jeans and T-shirts. Confucius has been replaced by the western communism mixed with capitalism. your Shanxi culture has been destroyed.

    There is no democracy in Shanxi: there is no free election. Every your Shanxi governer has been from outside. Shanxi’s great leader-Yan Xishan is still under palace arrest.

    the outsiders invested billions on free way in Shanxi few years ago was tring to get all your coal from your underground and all water from Fen river. you fool believed they were trying help you.

    There is culture genocide, there is no human rights in Shanxi.Free Shanxi!!
    Do you still have you juicy pants army? Why don’t you uprise and drive out those from the south and north?

    I would suggest you set up a Shanxi Youths Congress to keep the sprit in younger generation.

    You would recognize me on TV tomorrow. I will wear my”Free Shanxi” T-shirt among other protesters during the torch relay in the city tomorrow. I want to let the whole world know:
    Free Shanxi !!!!!

    Peifu Xiong

  21. Yan Xishan says:

    Peifu,

    My military discipline has been lagging. Damn this fenjiu. I would look for you on TV, but the Taiyuan palace does not have such a creation. I have to be content with my beloved qinqiang opera.

    YXS

  22. Wu Pei Fu says:

    Xishan,

    How sad! You are not enjoying your native Shanxi Bangzi opera. You are doing qinqiang opera from the outsiders. You have been culture genocided.
    it’s a very sad story. Nancy Pelosi should visit you.

    Peifu

  23. Wu Pei Fu says:

    Xishan,

    I just recalled you loved qinqiang opera. I remember it was 1926 in your palace, one of your wives performed the famous “three drops of blood” in front of we big generals. I am getting old, I only remember she was singing”zai lia si xiang dang ni mo, ni bu jiu er sei jiu er ..” It was beautiful. the food was good, I liked “yang rou pao” and “biang biang mian”

    PF

  24. Zhang Xueliang says:

    Model Governor,

    For the love of Yuan Shikai, get me out of Chongqing! That pussy Jiang Jingguo is driving me nuts. He drags me to subpar brothels filled with slutty peasants.

    -Young Marshall

  25. Yan Xishan says:

    Young Marshall,

    It could be worse: His wife could be dragging you to church. Do not despair–I have not forgotten you. Look for a blog post calling for you release soon.

    YXS

  26. Awed says:

    In response to the last q and a, I wanted to thank you for helping me kill two hours before wandering off into the wilds of the internet. Keep it up because I will be back!

  27. lostinsz says:

    Dear General Xan

    After reading a number of your blogs, I can see that you are an exemplary upholder of traditional values in this age of technological change and internet trivia.

    What in your view are the seven most desirable values and attributes required for modern leadership….pls list….and have you considered publishing your publishing your ideas in one single self-help manual….Warlordism in Theory and Practice.

    I look forward to your advice.

    lostinsz

  28. Yan Xishan says:

    lostinsz:

    Most thanks for your words of praise, and I am intrigued by your concept of exploring what values and attributes have allowed be to become the Model Governor. I hope to tackle this in a future blog series, but I must first finish my discussion of the finest Chinese dynasties.

    If you do return to this space, what is this “SZ” that you are lost in?

    YXS

  29. lostinsz says:

    Dear General

    Our book offer still stands. The signing will take place in a location of your choosing for obvious reason ie those pesky pinks and nips.

    Financial arrangements are as follows. $us250 downpayment, and a guaranteed 50 hours of opera (your choice of troupe), unlimited noodles, alcohol and underaged Natashas upon completion….not the other way round.

    We here at Keegan Paul Shanghai believe that a properly presented self-help manual on Warlordism would become the essential executive tool for the modern manager, replacing that cheesy yank Anthony Robins.

    Yours faithfully

    lostinsz

  30. lostinsz says:

    Dear General

    Subsequent to the book signing deal, we have recieved a number of disappoining reports from Shanxi. You subbed out the writing of proposed text to some semi-literate mine manager in your employ.

    Following this breach of trust, you then celebrated in a manner which plumbed new depths, accidentally burning down your own compound before passing out on a dungheap in some filthy outlying village.

    The JPA is thinking of moving to Shanghai where business is brisker. Even the peasants are starting to snigger behind your back.

    Yours Faithfully
    lostinsz

  31. Spam Lover says:

    Yan Xishan:

    Why do all the weirdos flock to your site? Excluding me, of course.

    And again, that fish video was sick, you should post a disclaimer.

  32. lostinsz says:

    General

    Forget these misguided culinary wars. You have more pressing matters at hand ie suitable new uniforms for the JPA. Now, the commies set new standards on National Day and, deep in your black heart heart you know it.
    FMP and Underwear Monthly wont provide the inspiration for the required makeover.
    Back to the Sixties: Racquel Welch and the fur bikini – 1 Million Years BC.
    Maybe a problem weatherwise, but as a modern recruiting tool, I say no more.

  33. Hi Honey,
    Please link me to your original blog.
    Toodles,
    Wifey

  34. Just post it here, thanks. I’m out with the CCP boyz, peasant revolutionaries are really good at those sex games i like

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