#6 Most Impressive Dyansty: the Ming

Sons and Daughters of the Order of Yan Xishan,

Welcome again to my ongoing rundown of the greatest dynasties in the history of the world’s most awesome and super-duper civilization, that of the Chinese. Did you know that we invented everything? We did. Name a thing. What was that you said? Gunpowder? Kites? The Hay Chopper Chop? We totally invented all of those–hell, I was even personally responsible for one of these inventions, and you can be sure that it was not the kite that sprang from the mind of your favorite warlord.

Now, it is true that our rate of inventions has slowed down a bit. Ever since the Song dynasty, China has been plagued by a horrible curse, for you see we are forced to deal with millions and millions of poor peasants. With so many of these damn peasants, all of whom were willing to labor all day for peanuts (or the equivalent rate in rice), there really was no need to develop new agricultural techniques or pretty much any other labor saving device. Hell, it seemed downright anti-Confucian to deny our beloved peasants their enjoyable back-breaking labor by re-inventing the water wheel. But as I explained in my recent lecture to the JPA, this does not mean that Chinese invention stopped. No, we glorious Chinese turned our keen minds to other forms of invention.

So it was with the founder of the Ming dynasty, ranked number #6 in this definitive countdown of the greatest Chinese dynasties to ever rule All Under Heaven. For this great and wise man, known to us as Zhu Yuanzhang, recast the imperial state. First, a bit about the man:

Zhu Yuanzhang, as you can see, was no 花花公子. He was even more pockmarked than Jiang Jieshi’s favorite Shanghai gangster. In that sense, I have trouble relating to him, for I am a dapper gentleman of the highest order. Well, that is not entirely true–I should not really say that I am a gentleman, only that I know how to act like one when needed. I am, however, a damn fine looking man–although I am not sure why I need to remind you of this, you have seen my photos.

Anyway, Zhu Yuanzhang was ugly, but he was a genius. He basically re-invented the imperial state, creating an autocratic and authoritarian regime that power hungry and paranoid rulers have been enjoying ever since. In the past, emperors had to listen to their ministers. But once Zhu solved this problem by cutting off the head of his government; he did so literally, making me think he would be a fan of my patented Hay Chopper Chop. I mean, once the Prime Minister has no head, how the hell is he going to complain about the increasing diversion of flood control funds into the fenjiu shush fund?

Alas, the state he created was not without flaws. First, it was small:

I mean, it could be worse. But really, what happened to West China? Tibet? Hello? Anyone there? It seems Zhu Yuanzhang misunderstood “All Under Heaven” as meaning “This Small Pathetic Part of All Under Heaven.” Trust me, that is not a mistake I will make. As I noted after meeting the Dalai Lama, I am still undecided about invading Tibet. On one hand, having it does make the map much more impressive. On the other hand, yak butter tea (ugh, I just threw up a bit). In any case, Zhu Yuanzhang never even dared to venture west as I have, and for that I look down at him like the pock-marked porcine caricature that he is.

The real problem with the Ming, however, is that Zhu Yuanzhan’s offspring were royal fuck-ups. They make Puyi look like Kangxi, if you get my meaning. When you put all power in the hands of the ruler and reduce the officials to a bunch of yellow bellied fools dragging their coffins to court, you best have a damn competent ruler. But Zhu Yuanzhang’s descendants were not fit to manage a Shanxi noodle shop. Take for example Zhu Houzhao, better known as the Wuzong Emperor. Houzhao didn’t like to study, loved war games, and boozed his life away. Now, I imagine you are wondering what could be wrong with boozing–nothing in the abstract, but ol’ Wuzong got so loaded he fell out of a fishing boat and died from complications. Now, if you are too stupid to figure out how to safely pass out on your kang, how the hell you gonna run a damn empire?

Indeed.

YXS

PS–Note to self, make sure my offspring are not total fuck ups.

Taiyuan is Mine! Mine Mine Mine!!!

Loyal Readers:

Today was a glorious day.  Escorted by the remaining core of the JPA, I marched on Taiyuan this morning.  We were prepared to go out fighting against the Commie hordes–we were the true Do or Die Corps!

As we approached the city walls, imagine our surprise to find them unguarded!   The Pink Menace had abandoned Taiyuan and all of Shanxi without a fight!  No doubt they had heard of my military genius and decided to scamper.

Enough blogging.  Time to get loaded.  Tomorrow is a big day–searching for collaborators.  Time to grease up the hay chopper!

YXS

A Forced March Looms

Readers,

This campaign has been a particularly brutal one for myself and the JPA.

The JPA, my prized fighting force, is in ruins, although my most loyal soldiers remain.

Me? I have barely been able to get my drink on. Staying with local warlord Ma Bufang is killing me–he expects me to conform to his Muslim beliefs while we negotiate. Eating spicy lamb kabobs without cold beer is like executing commies without using my patented Hay Chopper Chop. Ridiculous! Not that you could get a cold beer anywhere in this part of the world–the idea of refrigeration is almost as alien to these people as bathing. These negotiations, meanwhile, are going nowhere. While he is supposedly part of the KMT, all he cares about is his clan power. Just goes to show you what being an ally of Jiang Jieshi gets you–jack shit.  Although since allies of Mao Zedong get the clap from sharing those peasant wives, maybe jack shit ain’t half bad.

With this in mind I am breaking off negotiations with Ma Bufang. Before I leave Qinghai, however, I will tell him to keep an eye out for the Communists, and tell him to plant more trees.

The time has come to march on Taiyuan, there is no turning back now.

YXS

On Unruly Students

I am compelled to comment on the latest topic to set the interwebs on fire, the unruly student in Beiping who dared to attack his university professor. You can see the video below:

Now, I was heavily conflicted after watching this video. I, after all, was once one of the most unruly of all students. I played a key role in bringing down the Qing empire! So I am no stranger to student activism. But as I see it, these Beiping students have gone too far. If they were in Shanxi, they would get the Hay Chopper Chop, no doubt about it. I hereby call on Feng Yuxiang (or whoever it is that is running Beiping these days) to get cracking.

Top Ten Chinese Thinkers #7: Mao Zedong

YXS Fans,

Time to get back to business–the top ten Chinese thinkers list continues. Been getting a lot of feedback on the list, although not all of my readers have been contributing to the discussion. Many of you are loyal readers, but others stumble upon my site after Googling “Mongolian teenage hookers.” I encourage both groups to bring something to the table–you are all my soldiers, and a good warlord takes care of his men.

Speaking of which, taking care of his men is something that the #7 all-time Chinese thinker also does, although we go about it in different ways. I ensure my soldiers have plenty of booze and loot, while he gives his men plenty of reading material and 5% ownership of a communal wife. That is right, I am talking about this highly airbrushed guy:

“Chairman” Mao

 

Given the choice, you would think that any peasant with half of a brain would choose the loot and booze over an extended study session and a night with a communal wife every twenty days, but here is where Mao shows his genius: he offers his men the “wife lottery,” in that if the so-called “revolution” succeeds, there is a chance they could be sharing one of my many wives! Brilliant!

Throughout his career Mao has shown a capability for “outside the box” thinking. Take his idea of class warfare–Mao is a rich peasant! I could never have conjured the idea of turning on my own class, subjecting them to humiliating struggle and taking away their property. I guess that is why some have dubbed Mao “the dreamer.”

I am also a fan of Mao’s leadership style. Much like myself, he is not afraid of putting a subordinate in line or taking a few extra perks. Although what is up with the endless sleeping pills Mao? Ever even heard of fenjiu? And then there are the ladies. Here Mao cracks me up–he keeps on telling me that having nine wives is feudal, but what am I supposed to do? I guess I lack his ability to get my wives executed in a timely manner so I can get remarried. And don’t get me started on his new wife, Jiang Qing. The last I heard she was organizing an all-peasant stage production of Gone With the Wind. If he is smart he will accidentally “leave her behind” during my next mopping up campaign so that I can give her the patented “Shanxi Hay Chopper Chop.” If it was good enough for Liu Hulan, I am sure it is good enough for her.

The recap….

Pro:

1. Outside the box thinking in biting the hand that fed him

2. Genius in promoting the hope of sleeping with my wives

3. Ahead of his time in treating his VD by sleeping with more peasants

Con:

1. Good chance he is stealing his ideas from Chen Boda

2. Latest choice of wives is “problematic”

3. Gave VD to four of my six favorite Changsha sex workers

To be honest it is the last con that really burns me. Well, the burning has stopped, but you get the idea.

YXS

 

 

 

 

Some Thoughts on the Elimination of Our National Shame–Cantonese

Hola My Loyal Readers,

Wow, seems like ages since I had a chance to check with y’all and drop the 411 on my ever notorious exploits in saving China from the clutches of the Japs, Pinkos, and the straight-up whipped (that’s right I am talking to you Jiang Jieshi). As most of you surely know, I was on campaign, although not much real fighting was done. I mostly chilled out in Chongqing, eating hotpot and discussing strategy with fellow warlords and various KMT “generals.”

One of the generals there was from down south, and damn I couldn’t understand a word this fool was trying to say. He was blabbing on and on about something (I later learned it was some fool idea about eating something besides hotpot that night) until I just could not take it anymore.  I finally grabbed him by the collar, bitch slapped him, and yelled “CHINESE, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!?!?!”

He attempted to reply “shi” but it came out in that Southern pussified manner of “si.” That just pissed me off more, and I ordered my personal guards to take the fool into custody. Once we got back to Shanxi I introduced to the Hay Chopper.

The whole thing got me thinking, once I reunify China, I am going to wipe out all these punk dialects. How can a country survive when people are talking like that? The whole country will learn to speak our wonderful Shanxi version of Chinese. Being on the plains, pretty much all the Northerners can understand us. I remember my first time in Beijing, on my way to military school in Japan, I had no communication problems. Well, there was that one time my female companion for the evening did not understand what I meant by a “zang san-che-ze” but this was more of a conceptual problem, not a language one.  I had to pay a bit extra for that one, but let me tell ya, you should have seen the look on her face.

Well, I should rest up after my trip, holla at y’all later.

YXS

Real Revolutionaries Representing

As loyal readers of my old blog know, I have long been locked in a power struggle over my native Shanxi with two evil forces: the Commies and the forces of Jiang Jieshi. I would repeat our past struggles, but time moves on.

I recently had to dispatch a Pinko Journalist to the great Shanxi in the Sky. Had a great time doing it too, using my patented Hay Chopper Chop. (Not even Randy Macho Man Savage would stand a chance. Even Andre the Giant’s thick neck would be severed like a stalk of gaoliang) So, end of problem, right? Turns out this loser was just the tool of his fatty girlfriend, Ding Ling. Seems Ding “A” Ling has been attacking me from her hideout in Yan’an, calling me a “counterrevolutionary” and “feudal.” Like the fact that I have nine wives proves anything.

The worst part is, I am the true revolutionary. I traveled to Japan in 1904 to study military theory, and the next year I joined the Tongmenghui with none other than Sun Yat-sen. We were committed to overthrowing the Qing Dynasty, and guess what fatso, we did it! Well, I did it… good ol’ Sun was “conveniently” on a train in Colorado when the shizznit hit the fan. Afterwards I took control over Shanxi, and have been implementing the Revolution, YXS syle.

So until you have overthrown a centuries old imperial system, STFU. Those of us who have, represent!