Let’s Raise Some Awareness!

Hola Followers of the Great Me:

Yes, once again a long time has past since I had the opportunity to “blog”; my apologies if you were concerned that my Shanxi supercomputer had malfunctioned, leaving me with no way to update you on the world of Taiyuan, circa 1941. There in fact was nothing wrong with my supercomputer–certainly nothing a dip in a vat of our famous Shanxi vinegar could not fix. No, I have been unable to update this most awesome of all blogs due to recent events here in the Middle Kingdom. What a tragic few months we have had here, it is enough to bring a tear to my eye. Of course I am way too dehydrated to ever cry (little known bonus effect of daily fenjiu consumption), but you get the idea.

Where to start? The damn Commies continue to gain power in the rural hinterlands. I have become increasingly exasperated–how can Mao execute so many landlords while still finding time to spread VD among his many “cultural troupes”? True multi tasking. The Guomindang is still under the control of a brain-dead leader who cannot see the brilliance of what historians will one day call “The Shanxi Way.” And the Japs–don’t even get me started on those pervs.

To add a new level of tragedy, there has recently been a major earthquake down in the Sichuan basin. Word is that you could even feel it up here in Shanxi, although I felt nothing. And when I say I felt nothing I literally felt nothing–I was passed out in my private opium den, my Shanxi Beerbot opening bottles using my nostrils. A few buildings here in Taiyuan collapsed, but that is nothing new. My nephew wins most of the contract bids around town, and I don’t mind telling you, he is as incompetent as he is corrupt. I would not even let him build me a birdhouse, although schools for the poor are another thing altogether.

Now the details of what happened down in Sichuan are pretty hazy–you have to understand that here in 1941 there is almost no mass media, and the internets is pretty haphazard at best. But it seems that in the aftermath of the earthquake, all Chinese are coming together to help our Sichuan brothers and sisters. Of the various fund raising drives, only one, however, has truly caught my eye. I speak of the work of Xiao Yun (that is Little Cloud to you laowai), a young Sichuan lass who has decided to encourage philanthropy by stripping down for the camera. Xiao Yun, take it away:

Now I could post a few more of the photos, and I am sure those of you who stumbled onto this blog by searching for “Beijing teenage hookers” (you know who you are) would be pretty excited about that. But I think this image speaks volumes–nothing says “donate to charity” like a girl stretched out on a fake sheep skin rug.

Now, some have been quick to attack Xiao Yun, saying that she is out for fame. But I applaud her willingness to use her body for the greater good. With this in mind, I hereby order Xiao Yun conscripted into the JPA. If she wants to sacrifice her body for China, she can do it on the front lines with the rest of the Juicy Pants girls. Don’t worry Xiao Yun–there will be plenty of hot pot, so you will feel right at home.

YXS

Announcing the Formation of the Shanxi Robotics Division

Another exciting announcement for the followers of the Model Governor! First I told you about the formalization of Yan Xishan Thought into Shanzhuyi; now I proudly proclaim the founding of the Shanxi Robotics Division! This was truly a genius move on my part. Between the power of the JPA and the ruthless efficiency of the SRD, the Commie Pinkos have no chance.

Before I make my move on Yan’an, however, the Robotics Division will need massive funds for research and production. At the moment we only have one working robot, which was “procured” from a Japanese officer with a weakness for fenjiu and used schoolgirl undergarments. Before you go and accuse me of being a hanjian (that is traitor to the Chinese race for those of you who have not yet learned the language your children will be speaking) for allowing a Japanese devil to smell the panties of Shanxi schoolgirls, fret not: I had the undergarments worn by some elderly Russian women!

Here is our first robot, currently serving in my Shanxi palace. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Shanxi Beerbot:

Unfortunately, the only photo I have of the Shanxi Beerbot was taken while he was in the service of the Japanese Devils. Rest assured he now only pours properly patriotic pijiu. Slowly but surely we will build our Robotics Division, and eventually we will have a two pronged thrust into the Shan-Gan-Ning base area, JPA to the left, SRD to the right! Until then, I am going to get drunk.

YXS

#9 Most Impressive Dynasty: the Shang

Loyal Readers,

My apologies in the long delays between my posts–from your emails (remember, you can always reach your favorite warlord at YanXishan at gmail dot com) I know that many of you are eagerly following my countdown of the greatest Chinese dynasties. Do I really need to add the word Chinese to that sentence? Like a non-Chinese dynasty could be better than a Chinese one? Ha! Don’t make me laugh. Those readers who have written in have impressed me, and not only because they have universally praised my wisdom and leadership. No, I am also struck by their commitment to learning more about Chinese culture. This is only natural, not just for my Chinese readers, but for the ethnically-challenged (which is to say, non-Chinese) among you. Why? As we say in Chinese, allow me to gift you a word: 天下. Tianxia is what we Chinese control, and since it means “all under Heaven” you can best believe it includes that piece of land you are currently occupying.

I got a little of track there. Back to today’s topic, the ninth most awesome dynasty of all time, the Shang. As I stressed to the JPA in the lecture I gave to them, the Shang earn our respect largely due to their cold-blooded nature. You see, the Shang had a complex social structure, with the rulers at the top, most naturally. At the bottom of the social structure were the slaves. Now, I am no fan of slavery–I prefer to underpay my workers and let them fend for themselves–but here we must find some respect for the Shang. You see, the function of the slaves was to provide human sacrifice for the dead ancestors of the Shang leaders, who were seen as mythical semi-animal divine beings. And those darn ancestors needed lots of sacrifice… thousands and thousands were killed at once in huge sacrifices. Take a look at this artistic representation of some hapless slaves being led to their deaths just to please some dead human/bird bastard:

Hmm…. don’t think that is going to end well for you buddy.

Now, my JPA recruits were a bit confused about what is so great about sacrificing thousands of slaves. What they had trouble wrapping their little Hello-Kitty-addled minds around was the fact that it was great leaders like the Shang kings of old who helped make sure that we here in the Middle Kingdom do not put too much value on human life. Without believing that some abstract concept (divine bird-men, Heaven, Communism) was more important than the lives of millions of peasants, Chinese civilization could never have taken off. Hell, even my most precious JPA would not exist! Forget being sacrificed, life without the JPA–that is just too scary to contemplate.

YXS

#10 Most Impressive Dynasty: the Sui

Loyal Fans of the Great Yan Xishan,

Over the next few weeks I will be giving a ten-part lecture for the JPA. Some of these fierce yet feminine warriors have requested that some of the information from the lectures be put online, so that they might get their study on while also downloading Hello Kitty decals to attach to their standard-issue fenjiu dispensers. I have agreed, in part so that I might educate you, the misinformed reader.

My goal in these lectures to help my rank-and-file better understand what Yan Xishan is all about. You see, I am not just here to have sex with my multi-ethnic entourage of working girls or to constantly remind Mao Zedong about all of his dead wives and missing children. No, Yan Xishan has an even loftier goal–to bring order and prosperity to China (and eventually the world, just like that punk Zhu Xi formulated). So I will take the JPA–and you lucky readers as well–through a tour of the Chinese past so that everyone will understand just what makes a great ruling house.

Enough foreplay, lets do the dirty.

#10 Most Impressive Dynasty: the Sui

It never ceases to amaze me that many otherwise educated Chinese have never heard of the Sui. Sure, most laowais do not know what the Sui was or what they were about, but that is to be expected: they are laowais and therefore stupid, if not in fact smelly. Perhaps the failure of knowledge that marks my countrymen stems from the fact that the Sui dynasty was rather short lived (581-618), as well as the fact that the dynasty was rather small. Check the map:

Shit, that is just embarrassing. Plus the founder of the Sui, Yang Jian (also known as Emperor Wen) was kind of a pussy. I know that you might not believe this, but he was monogamous! That meant he only had sex with one woman! And that woman was his wife! What is the point of being the Son of Heaven if you can only screw one woman?

But there were things about the Sui that can be emulated. You see, Yang Jian was not afraid to get his hands dirty and get involved in lives of his subjects. For an activist ruler such as myself, he makes a good model. He reformed the military. He also removed the dreaded “nine ranks” and made office holding non-hereditary. As you should know, I myself went from “rags to riches” (and bitches) so you know I love this. He also employed the “well-field system” to organize land holdings among the peasants. Normally I would not be big on anything promoted by “momma’s boy Mencius” but I find this system intriguing. I am using it with my poppy fields. Wait, did I say poppy? I meant sorghum. In any case, I am using a modified system. Instead of the nine shares for the peasants, one share for the ruler, we are switching it up so I get nine. I smoke way more sorghum then they do anyway.

But we as we learn from the Sui, we also learn from their mistakes. You see, the Sui went a bit too far with the whole activism thing under Emperor Wen’s son. First there was the Grand Canal–that must have seemed like a great idea until the peasant rebellions. Then there was the invasion of Korea… Damn those pesky 高丽膀子 !

So there is much to learn from the Sui. If there is one lesson I will hold close to the heart, it is not to just have one wife. Have many. And do not take the “Maoist” approach of having your wife killed off by the KMT so you can get a new one. Have many at one time! If we learn anything from Chinese history, I hope that we learn this.

YXS

Sanlitun Sally and Marvin the Mohist

Loyal Readers:

Recently the Beiping celebrity behind sundaylovers asked for the help of the most wise of warlords, Yan Xishan. Here is the original query:

By the way, I’m always looking for neologisms pertaining to: soul patches, dreadlocks, white douchebags who have chinese character tatooed on their bodies, slutty xiaojies who hang out with aforementioned white douchebags, etc. Please advise.

As for soulpatches and dreadlocks, I am not of much help. Sometimes you cannot do any better than douchebag.

But slutty xiaojies? Back when I was more of a misogynist (last week, before I had to tone down the rhetoric in conjunction with a JPA recruiting drive), I referred to pretty much every woman that was not related to me a “hutong rat”–as in “Welcome to Shanxi, Mr. Ambassador, I have lined up some of our finest hutong rats for your pleasure!” You might think it is offensive, but you don’t see the Japanese imperial army threatening my borders anymore, do you?

Now that I am a kinder, gentler warlord, I have decided to treat women with more respect. You see, I am a gentleman. Or more to the point, I know how to act like a gentleman to get what I want. So for the time being, only those ladies who frequent the seedy parts of the Realm will be worthy of my scorn. And only a mild scorn at that. So, take for example, those poor misguided xiaojies who frequent Sanlitun in search of… who am I kidding, who the fuck knows what they are thinking.

Photo taken in Sanlitun Sleaze-pit d’jour

When I look at these confused girls, I cannot help but wonder… Don’t I know you ladies? You, on the left, you hooked up with that dude from Canada, right? Pink shirt–did we. . . Maybe it was your cousin? In the middle, with the busy hands, did that one drunk guy from Italy ever get you to go back to his place in Shunyi? That was you, or least I swear it was.

So many ladies on the prowl, with English names leftover from middle school, popping up here and there like a case of genital warts that just won’t go away… How about I just call you all Sally? Sanlitun Sally, there, that makes my life easier.

Laowai dudes with Chinese tattoos. Don’t get me started. Whoops too late.

“Now I have proof I am cool!”

Now your average Sanlitun Sally is just a poor misguided girl. I feel bad, but for those stupid enough to get a character “tat,” sorry, your extreme stupidity precludes me from pity. What is so wrong with getting a Chinese tattoo, you might ask. Let me break it down like this. You know how everyone makes fun of the Chinese for their love affair with English words? The way a shirt is suddenly fashionable because it has an English phrase on it? Well, getting a Chinese tattoo is the exact same thing–except that whereas that fine Chinese citizen will take off their dumb-ass “Happy Day!” shirt when they get home, you just tattooed some random word on your skin. Great move.

You may think Chinese characters are so damn cool–many Chinese think the same about English words, but all both sides are doing is fetishizing the other. Luckily for my people, few of us have started tattooing English words on our bodies.

For your crime of forever marking yourself as a douche, I reward you with the name Marvin the Mohist. You see, back in the day, the Chinese imperial state tattooed criminals to punish them. Mozi was a innovate thinker who, according to legend, had been “inked” himself. Now that I know you are a follower, I can ask you what you think about his philosophy of jian’ai, or how you plan to use his policy of youwei to help revive the state. Wait, you don’t know what I am talking about? Oh shit, you mean Marvin the Mohist don’t know shit about China? Wow, never saw that coming.

YXS

Now Accepting Applications: The JPA

Followers of the Great Yan Xishan:

As you surely know, my crack troops, the Juicy Pants Army, was decimated during my efforts to retake to retake Shanxi.  While I was successful in my liberation (don’t you hate how the Commies have ruined that word for us good guys?) of my home province, the JPA did not make it.  They were separated from their leader when I passed out drunk on the train to Taiyuan, and without my leadership they scattered like the wind.  All save a few of my crack troops, such as my bodyguard/masseuse/body shot vessel Miss Liu.

In the weeks that have followed, I gave little thought to reforming the JPA–its time had passed, I figured.   Juicy Pants were a thing of the past and so was my Juicy Pants Army.  But then today while strolling through my capital, I saw a Shanxi beauty sporting Juicy Pants–and her ass was as flat as a board, for extra irony goodness.  I decided right then it was time to reform the JPA.

Even better, I am forming the JPA as a global organization.  Every woman, regardless of nationality, is welcome to join my army.  All you need is loyalty to me and a willingness to don Juicy Pants.

So, who’s with me?  Let’s do this!

YXS

A Forced March Looms

Readers,

This campaign has been a particularly brutal one for myself and the JPA.

The JPA, my prized fighting force, is in ruins, although my most loyal soldiers remain.

Me? I have barely been able to get my drink on. Staying with local warlord Ma Bufang is killing me–he expects me to conform to his Muslim beliefs while we negotiate. Eating spicy lamb kabobs without cold beer is like executing commies without using my patented Hay Chopper Chop. Ridiculous! Not that you could get a cold beer anywhere in this part of the world–the idea of refrigeration is almost as alien to these people as bathing. These negotiations, meanwhile, are going nowhere. While he is supposedly part of the KMT, all he cares about is his clan power. Just goes to show you what being an ally of Jiang Jieshi gets you–jack shit.  Although since allies of Mao Zedong get the clap from sharing those peasant wives, maybe jack shit ain’t half bad.

With this in mind I am breaking off negotiations with Ma Bufang. Before I leave Qinghai, however, I will tell him to keep an eye out for the Communists, and tell him to plant more trees.

The time has come to march on Taiyuan, there is no turning back now.

YXS

Bai Bai Dalai, Ni Hao Ma Bufang

My Dearest Readers,

After enduring weeks of near starvation, subsisting solely off Yak and Yak-By-Product, the great Tibetan experiment has come to an end.  Due to the machinations of the 13th Dalai Lama, myself and the remnants of the once mighty JPA were expelled from the Tibetan highlands yesterday, although to be honest this comes as a relief. Yes, I had been hoping to rally my Tibetan cousins to fight for me, but the thought of drinking any more yak butter was creating certain mental imbalances that could not be ignored. And the JPA! Perhaps if the yak meat was sliced razor thin, then dunked in a blazingly spicy broth that ensured epic laduzi–well then they might have been able to survive the thin air.  As it was their health and spirits were at an all-time low.

So we left, traveling by yak-pulled carts to Xining, the capital of Qinghai. Departing Tibet I had time to ponder this great land and came to some conclusions. The first is that yaks are the stinkiest when you travel behind them. The second is that having young boys become monks, such as is the practice in Tibet, deprives them the chance for free thought. What a brilliant way to pre-indoctrinate the masses! I will look into this in the future. Finally, reincarnation is also pretty sweet. The only problem is that once you are Yan Xishan, you can only go down in the next life.

Now that I am in Xining, I am making plans to meet with Ma Bufang, the local warlord. Perhaps he will be able to assist me in my drive to Shanxi. He is a Hui, one of China’s many ethnicities. The Hui are Muslims, so I am expecting a warm welcome, complete with lots of booze. Expect an update shortly.

YXS

A Train Ride too Far–the JPA in Shambles

YXS Loyalists,

As you must surely know, I recently embarked on a campaign to retake my homeland of Shanxi from those perverted wife-sharing Commies (they are actually currently sharing one of my own wives–luckily I am pretty sure hooking up with dirty peasant revolutionaries is grounds for divorce in the Shanxi legal code. If not, I will just add that when I get back).

After feasting with my US military advisers a few weeks back, I was shocked to see that they had no interest in helping me retake Taiyuan. I would have to go it alone. I gathered the JPA and set off on the slow train, with a brilliant stratagem in mind. I would take the JPA past Shanxi and into Shaanxi (yes you noob, these are two different places). Then I would strike from the West, where the Commies and their Comintern overlords would never see it coming.

Confident in my plan, I decided to enjoy the train ride. Is there a more beautiful place than the North China plains? I say not! As is my custom, I began to relax with a bit of booze. But the beer on the train was warm–backwards! The Model Governor does not drink warm beer! The train must be under the control of Feng Yuxiang, that guy would not know modernization if it mechanically bit off his ass. Luckily I had brought ample amounts of fenjiu, that Shanxi salve for all that bothers a modern warlord.

Alas, this is when things got out of control. I should have known better than to drink with the JPA. Pretty soon I was doing body shots, drinking fenjiu out the bellybutton of one of my quartermasters, a young Miss. Liu. Next thing you know, I wake up under the bottom bunk! That was like the xia xiapu. To my horror, we had long since passed both Shanxi and Shaanxi and were nearing the Tibetan highlands. To make matters worse, the JPA, deprived of their beloved leader, had lost their collective senses and debarked the train at various stops. All that was left was my reserve of crack troops that serve as my personal bodyguards/qi collection vessels. As well as Miss Liu, who was kind enough to accompany me to the xia xiapu.

I am attempting to regroup. It will not be easy. The locals here cannot understand my flawless Shanxi Chinese. But bringing down the Qing dynasty was not easy either. And I did that–BTW you can thank me the fact that you do not have to wear a queue. I used to have to rock one of those when I was pretending to be a Manchu loyalists–trust me, the ladies were not fans.

See you in Shanxi.

YXS

PS: Help another loyalist such as yourself by voting for Beijing Boyce (first member of the YXS Blogroll) in the 2007 China Blog Awards. Information can be found at his site here:

http://www.beijingboyce.com/2007/07/obama-schmama-make-boyce-your-choice/

A Warlord Returns

Loyal Readers,

I write to you from the comforts of the US military finest air transport. I am working on my fifth martini (gin, very dry) and enjoying a Cuban cigar–General Bragg has been kind enough to give me a case of these beautiful creations as a parting gift. These creature comforts have only increased my happiness, as I must admit I am ecstatic–I am on my way back to the Motherland, to reclaim my rightful place at the helm of Shanxi, the greatest place on earth.  It truly is the magical kingdom.

Exactly how will I accomplish this? I wish I could tell you, but alas, due to military concerns my plans must remain confidential. All I can tell you is that the plan involves the JPA and a few hundred cases of fenjiu. First stop is Beiping, where I will attempt to work out a deal with Feng Yuxiang or whatever warlord currently controls the former Beijing.

On to victory! In the meantime, I will get back to drinking these delicious martinis. It must be the altitude… I am getting fantastically loaded.

YXS