Friends, Followers, and Fanboys:

This past few weeks some of you have been writing me for advice–and why not?  If you need to turn to someone, it makes sense to make it the Model Governor myself, and I am used to many of you seeking me out to help you with your various problems, even if it means taking time out of my daily routine of boozing, whoring, and finding new ways to infuriate the various Song sisters.  So I am thus putting aside my current project–getting Song Ailing to invest big bucks in the “Taiyuan Lake Housing Development Project”–to address a concern of many of my readers.  Namely, how does one succeed in today’s China?

This is a serious question, especially given all the turmoil in today’s China.  Armed conflicts, ideological disputes, natural disasters, and totalitarian leaders; the path to the top is rocky indeed.  That was true for me, and it is still true for you young bucks fighting for your first Mexican silver dollar.  Thus I present to you, the patented Yan Xishan three step process to succeed in today’s China:

1.  Let someone else do the hard work.

2.  Steal everything you can from them.

3. Profit!!!

This my friends is the Chinese way of career success.  It was true for Jiang Jieshi, who watched Sun Zhongshan and the Comintern build up the KMT, then took that shit over once Sun died, leaving him in charge of the Northern Expedition.  And this is not just a strategy for world leaders (hey, if FDR is going to pretend Jiang Jieshi is a Great Leader, I can too!).  As my gemen’r Boyce noted a while back, it works for the owners of booze-holes in Beiping.  And it just happened again in that fine city, with the creators of the magazine “that’s Beiping” being forced out by their publisher, who will now publish their own version of “that’s,” profiting on all the work done by the folks they just screwed over.

So what do we learn from all of this?  First, never start anything by yourself.  It is a lot of hard work!  Perhaps the stress might kill you–look what happened to that old fool Sun Zhongshan.  You might spend all of your time getting girls drunk and ready for their foreign hookups, like the bartenders at the former Shooters.  Hell, you might spend all of your time policing an increasingly mindless online forum.

No, instead of doing the hard work, might I instead suggest taking an secondary, behind the scenes role?  And thus just wait until you can steal everything, claim it as your own, and coast your way to the top?  Listen kids, it is your choice, just don’t say I never warned you.

YXS

PS: To get a feel of the old Shooters, look here.  Just be ready to feel really dirty.  Here is a preview of what awaits, complete with a future JPA buck private:

Hola Followers of the Great Me:

Yes, once again a long time has past since I had the opportunity to “blog”; my apologies if you were concerned that my Shanxi supercomputer had malfunctioned, leaving me with no way to update you on the world of Taiyuan, circa 1941. There in fact was nothing wrong with my supercomputer–certainly nothing a dip in a vat of our famous Shanxi vinegar could not fix. No, I have been unable to update this most awesome of all blogs due to recent events here in the Middle Kingdom. What a tragic few months we have had here, it is enough to bring a tear to my eye. Of course I am way too dehydrated to ever cry (little known bonus effect of daily fenjiu consumption), but you get the idea.

Where to start? The damn Commies continue to gain power in the rural hinterlands. I have become increasingly exasperated–how can Mao execute so many landlords while still finding time to spread VD among his many “cultural troupes”? True multi tasking. The Guomindang is still under the control of a brain-dead leader who cannot see the brilliance of what historians will one day call “The Shanxi Way.” And the Japs–don’t even get me started on those pervs.

To add a new level of tragedy, there has recently been a major earthquake down in the Sichuan basin. Word is that you could even feel it up here in Shanxi, although I felt nothing. And when I say I felt nothing I literally felt nothing–I was passed out in my private opium den, my Shanxi Beerbot opening bottles using my nostrils. A few buildings here in Taiyuan collapsed, but that is nothing new. My nephew wins most of the contract bids around town, and I don’t mind telling you, he is as incompetent as he is corrupt. I would not even let him build me a birdhouse, although schools for the poor are another thing altogether.

Now the details of what happened down in Sichuan are pretty hazy–you have to understand that here in 1941 there is almost no mass media, and the internets is pretty haphazard at best. But it seems that in the aftermath of the earthquake, all Chinese are coming together to help our Sichuan brothers and sisters. Of the various fund raising drives, only one, however, has truly caught my eye. I speak of the work of Xiao Yun (that is Little Cloud to you laowai), a young Sichuan lass who has decided to encourage philanthropy by stripping down for the camera. Xiao Yun, take it away:

Now I could post a few more of the photos, and I am sure those of you who stumbled onto this blog by searching for “Beijing teenage hookers” (you know who you are) would be pretty excited about that. But I think this image speaks volumes–nothing says “donate to charity” like a girl stretched out on a fake sheep skin rug.

Now, some have been quick to attack Xiao Yun, saying that she is out for fame. But I applaud her willingness to use her body for the greater good. With this in mind, I hereby order Xiao Yun conscripted into the JPA. If she wants to sacrifice her body for China, she can do it on the front lines with the rest of the Juicy Pants girls. Don’t worry Xiao Yun–there will be plenty of hot pot, so you will feel right at home.

YXS

Sons and Daughters of the Order of Yan Xishan,

Welcome again to my ongoing rundown of the greatest dynasties in the history of the world’s most awesome and super-duper civilization, that of the Chinese. Did you know that we invented everything? We did. Name a thing. What was that you said? Gunpowder? Kites? The Hay Chopper Chop? We totally invented all of those–hell, I was even personally responsible for one of these inventions, and you can be sure that it was not the kite that sprang from the mind of your favorite warlord.

Now, it is true that our rate of inventions has slowed down a bit. Ever since the Song dynasty, China has been plagued by a horrible curse, for you see we are forced to deal with millions and millions of poor peasants. With so many of these damn peasants, all of whom were willing to labor all day for peanuts (or the equivalent rate in rice), there really was no need to develop new agricultural techniques or pretty much any other labor saving device. Hell, it seemed downright anti-Confucian to deny our beloved peasants their enjoyable back-breaking labor by re-inventing the water wheel. But as I explained in my recent lecture to the JPA, this does not mean that Chinese invention stopped. No, we glorious Chinese turned our keen minds to other forms of invention.

So it was with the founder of the Ming dynasty, ranked number #6 in this definitive countdown of the greatest Chinese dynasties to ever rule All Under Heaven. For this great and wise man, known to us as Zhu Yuanzhang, recast the imperial state. First, a bit about the man:

Zhu Yuanzhang, as you can see, was no 花花公子. He was even more pockmarked than Jiang Jieshi’s favorite Shanghai gangster. In that sense, I have trouble relating to him, for I am a dapper gentleman of the highest order. Well, that is not entirely true–I should not really say that I am a gentleman, only that I know how to act like one when needed. I am, however, a damn fine looking man–although I am not sure why I need to remind you of this, you have seen my photos.

Anyway, Zhu Yuanzhang was ugly, but he was a genius. He basically re-invented the imperial state, creating an autocratic and authoritarian regime that power hungry and paranoid rulers have been enjoying ever since. In the past, emperors had to listen to their ministers. But once Zhu solved this problem by cutting off the head of his government; he did so literally, making me think he would be a fan of my patented Hay Chopper Chop. I mean, once the Prime Minister has no head, how the hell is he going to complain about the increasing diversion of flood control funds into the fenjiu shush fund?

Alas, the state he created was not without flaws. First, it was small:

I mean, it could be worse. But really, what happened to West China? Tibet? Hello? Anyone there? It seems Zhu Yuanzhang misunderstood “All Under Heaven” as meaning “This Small Pathetic Part of All Under Heaven.” Trust me, that is not a mistake I will make. As I noted after meeting the Dalai Lama, I am still undecided about invading Tibet. On one hand, having it does make the map much more impressive. On the other hand, yak butter tea (ugh, I just threw up a bit). In any case, Zhu Yuanzhang never even dared to venture west as I have, and for that I look down at him like the pock-marked porcine caricature that he is.

The real problem with the Ming, however, is that Zhu Yuanzhan’s offspring were royal fuck-ups. They make Puyi look like Kangxi, if you get my meaning. When you put all power in the hands of the ruler and reduce the officials to a bunch of yellow bellied fools dragging their coffins to court, you best have a damn competent ruler. But Zhu Yuanzhang’s descendants were not fit to manage a Shanxi noodle shop. Take for example Zhu Houzhao, better known as the Wuzong Emperor. Houzhao didn’t like to study, loved war games, and boozed his life away. Now, I imagine you are wondering what could be wrong with boozing–nothing in the abstract, but ol’ Wuzong got so loaded he fell out of a fishing boat and died from complications. Now, if you are too stupid to figure out how to safely pass out on your kang, how the hell you gonna run a damn empire?

Indeed.

YXS

PS–Note to self, make sure my offspring are not total fuck ups.

My Loyal Readers,

Some time ago I told you about the formation of a new code of philosophy, Shanzhuyi (山主义) or Shanism. You can read the initial announcement here.

This exciting new philosophy promises to teach the people of the world to achieve personal enlightenment and total power in their daily affairs. For the peasants among you, this will mean the ability to keep your half-starving and always complaining wife in check; for the warlords among you, this will mean the ability to emulate the Model Governor himself, Yan Xishan. With the world in such chaos, who among you can say that the stability and power that I represent is not that greatest of all models? That is what I thought.

Now, I have been working on my opus, a text that would lay all of my ideas out in full detail. But this method of transmitting my ideas is seeming less ideal by the day. For one, it is taking too long and I know some of you, barely holding on to your pathetic plot of dirt, cannot wait much longer. Plus, I just saw an advance copy of Jiang Jieshi’s China’s Destiny, and oh my it was a piece of shit. Best to keep this informal and on the web until I have it perfected.

So instead of releasing the whole opus at once, I have decided to release the Commandments of Shanzhuyi, although they will be in no particular order. Without further ado:

Shanzhuyi Commandment #13: Warlords must choose their role models with utmost caution!

Gloss: Sometimes you look up to a great figure and try to model your whole world after him. Then the truth comes out and everything comes crashing down. For example, I once idolized this dude:

For those of you who have been living under a rock, this is the Meiji Emperor of Japan. Now, he kicked the bucket right about time I was rising up in the world, but he seemed to me to be the perfect role model. Here was a man that drank hard (pounded sake all day), played hard (had 200 women waiting on him night and day), and reformed hard (oversaw the transformation of his empire from backwater sushi joint to making Russia look like Poland).

And so for a time the Meiji Emperor was one of my personal heroes. How embarrassing this is now… and no, not because his empire has overrun East China. As I have stated before, that is a mere inconvenience in my path to total world domination. No, it is embarrassing because certain facts have come to light. First, the Meiji Emperor was a mere puppet–he had nothing to do with the Meiji Restoration. But even more damaging, the emperor’s grandfather let it be known that this “great ruler” was haunted by dreams of an evil monkey. I shit you not. What kind of role model is that?

Confused about proper role models? Check out this list. In the meantime, ponder the above while you plow fields/execute radicals.

YXS

Loyalists:

Sometimes it is hard to tell what is going on from an odd photo, especially one that is randomly transmitted to me on the “internet.” Here is what was delivered to me this morning as I was recovering from yet another all-night fenjiu binge:

What is going on here? It is clearly a Commie style douzhenghui, made famous in various campaigns organized by my would-be-rival, Mao Zedong. For those of you not in the know, a douzhenghui is a “struggle meeting,” used to convince an upstanding landlord to hand over his water buffalo and wife to some debt ridden peasant.

But usually a douzhenghui takes place in some backwater, Buddha-forsaken village where the only idea of industry is a far-fetched dream of building a brick making “factory.” Clearly this photo is not of the nongcun, as these are no peasants–they are dressed in cloths that would make your average Taiyuan citizen scream out in envy. And note the electric lighting and the confused looking foreigner… this is not even China, our great motherland!

Yes, the struggle has spread to the West. And this has caused me to pause and ponder the ramifications of this odd turn of events. On one hand, I am a famed anti-Communist. Seeing the wife-stealing mass mobilization techniques of “Mao Zhu” gain traction world-wide makes me ill. But I am also a nationalist, and the thought of my proud Chinese brothers and sisters raising their angry fists in the imperialists’ metropole brings a smile to my face.

After reflection, I have decided I can only give a halfhearted acceptance to the actions of those above. Are they demanding rent reduction, or their own land? I cannot tell. But I can tell they are struggling a poor Chinese girl–and unless she is being told she must join the JPA, that is just not acceptable. Especially when the true struggle object, the hapless looking laowai, is right behind them!

YXS

Edit: One of my readers (thanks Jonas) has identified this photo as having something to do with a debate over Tibet. I am clueless as to what the debate might be, it has been some time since I was in the land of the yak. You can read about my visit with the Dalai Lama here and about my subsequent flight from Tibet here.

Eternal Fans of the Powerful Yan Xishan,

I know what you are thinking. It probably goes something along these lines: “Damn Yan Xishan, how can you keep me waiting for so long between your brilliant posts? My life is fucking stupid without your wisdom to brighten my day!”

Yes, I know it has been a long time. But what can I say, I have been distracted as of late. First, Wang Jingwei is attempting to bribe me, hoping I will join up with his puppet-ass state. No way that will ever happen–Yan Xishan put Shanxi together proper like, and Yan Xishan only trusts Yan Xishan–but it is fun to get his hopes up. Shit, he has not been this optimistic since Hu Hanmin got sent to Russia back in 1925. I will probably string him along for a few more weeks, as I am quite enjoying the sake he has been sending me. I have also been a bit busy with one of my newest JPA recruits. I will not go into detail, but let’s just say she sure knows how to polish my Mauser. Hmm, that is kind of filthy. Let’s just say she sure knows how to establish hegemony over my territory. That does not quite work…. Let’s just say she sure knows how to dredge my wasteland, reclaim it as a productive agricultural field, rent it out at high rates, and avoid taxes on it to boot.

Now that we are all caught up, here is my latest JPA history lecture in my “Top Dynasties” series. We are at number seven, and (drum roll please) the number seven spot goes to the Zhou dynasty. Now, I am sure Confucius is spinning in his grave (unless the Commies have somehow managed to dig up his grave and use his bones as drumsticks in their hippie drum circles) as I write this, because that damn Kongzi was all about praising the Zhou dynasty to anyone who would listen. I have already explained how Confucius was a punk here and here, but suffice it to say he was, like all educators, a total assfrog. So you will have to forgive me for disagreeing with Confucius and telling you that the Zhou dynasty was not the imperial equivalent to sliced mantou.

Why was this the case? First of all, the Zhou founders were moralistic bastards. They overthrew the Shang because they were power hungry, but used sissy moralist rhetoric to justify their actions. Thus they called out the Shang for loving to party, and those of us who love booze and whores have been fighting for repsect ever since. Check out this painting of the Shang rulers:

Now, I do not know about you, but if you ask me these guys look like they know how to party. And while they seem a bit tame when compared to myself and my inner circle, I bet they could at least go a few rounds before passing out being dragged out of my Taiyuan citadel.

Having unjustly overthrown the good-time-party-boys of the Shang, the Zhou had to explain why they did so, and what they came up with was the “Mandate of Heaven.” Basically, this theory holds that Heaven is always judging you, and if the ruler has too much fun Heaven finds some one to replace him. In retrospect, all I can say is what a bunch of fucking idiots. Sure, Kings Wen and Wu, you sure explained why you did what you did. But guess what? Now every hungry peasant with a half-assed army is going to be trying to overthrow you and every other ruler, claiming to have the Mandate of Heaven backing them up. Way to think that one through buddy. Bad enough to think Heaven is up there judging me for doing body shots of fenjiu with various ladies with low moral standards, but to think that this sort of behavior would make me lose power? Total bullshit, but thanks to the Zhou there is probably some starving peasant, standing in his own filth, ranting about how they are the new Son of Heaven.

Now, why is the Zhou even on this list? Well, one reason people love the Zhou is because it lasted so damn long–1122 BCE-256BCE–but let’s not kid ourselves. They Zhou ruling house was only in power for a small part of their dynasty. This brings us to the real reason this period rocked–lots of small states fighting for control of the world (in other words China). Sound familiar? Yes my dear readers, there is much in common between the latter part of the Zhou (known as the Warring States period) and the current warlord era (soon to be known as the Rise of Yan Xishan Era). In both times we see great men enjoying the hunt, the battle, and the spoils of war. All this death and destruction made for some great philosophy, which you can learn about here. But beyond that the Zhou saw the rise of the autocratic state, focused solely on destroying other autocratic states. Without their advances in taxing and recruiting peasants, where would I be?

I tell you where I would not be–kicking back in my war room, getting an anmo from a young JPA recruit, and getting my beer served by a robot. Thanks for that King Wen. I am sure that is what you had in mind when you cut off the head of the last Shang king.

YXS

Another exciting announcement for the followers of the Model Governor! First I told you about the formalization of Yan Xishan Thought into Shanzhuyi; now I proudly proclaim the founding of the Shanxi Robotics Division! This was truly a genius move on my part. Between the power of the JPA and the ruthless efficiency of the SRD, the Commie Pinkos have no chance.

Before I make my move on Yan’an, however, the Robotics Division will need massive funds for research and production. At the moment we only have one working robot, which was “procured” from a Japanese officer with a weakness for fenjiu and used schoolgirl undergarments. Before you go and accuse me of being a hanjian (that is traitor to the Chinese race for those of you who have not yet learned the language your children will be speaking) for allowing a Japanese devil to smell the panties of Shanxi schoolgirls, fret not: I had the undergarments worn by some elderly Russian women!

Here is our first robot, currently serving in my Shanxi palace. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Shanxi Beerbot:

Unfortunately, the only photo I have of the Shanxi Beerbot was taken while he was in the service of the Japanese Devils. Rest assured he now only pours properly patriotic pijiu. Slowly but surely we will build our Robotics Division, and eventually we will have a two pronged thrust into the Shan-Gan-Ning base area, JPA to the left, SRD to the right! Until then, I am going to get drunk.

YXS

Loyal Followers of the Model Governor:

Many of you have been writing wanting more philosophical guidance. As I demonstrated here, I am the greatest thinker in the long 5,000 years of Chinese history. But what exactly is my school of thought? Certainly those of you who have been longtime fans (talking about you J. Wo) are well versed in how I think. But what about those sad n00bs? So many of you out there in the web-o-rama have yet to accept me as your personal teacher. That is about to change.

I hereby announce the formalization of Yan Xishan thought: Shanzhuyi (山主义) or Shanism. In the future I will explain in greater detail what Shanzhuyi is all about, but I wanted to give you something to look forward to.

YXS

Fellow Fans of Shanxi,

I was hoping to use this opportunity to wish all of you a most happy 1941 (or whatever year you are choosing to celebrate out there in the web-o-sphere), but my heart is heavy with frustration, and I must vent.

As you must surely know, I am not adverse to finding excuses to get loopy on fenjiu or the local Shanxi pijiu, and as such I had high hopes for this New Year’s Eve. I had the whole night planned in excruciating detail, with everything leading up to a buck-naked sparkling fenjiu toast with the three leading ladies of the local qinqiang opera circuit. They are known as the san guniang, and they are famous for both for their lovely eardrum-shattering timbre as well as their depraved bisexuality. I have already traded some of their panties to the Japanese Guandong Army for a truckload of shiny new handguns, so you can imagine how much fun my night would have been.

Would have been being the operative term. My current US military attaché is such a stubborn punk–he makes “Vinegar Joe” Stilwell look like Honey Joe. He went on and on about how his hearing aid had short-circuited the last time we entertained the san guniang, and insisted on what he referred to as “Plan B.” Reluctantly, I agreed to let him plan the evening. Well, he contacted Jiang Jieshi for some entertainers, and Jiang passed the buck to Li Zongren, the Guangxi warlord, who like me is a “general” in the Guomindang. Shit, if Li Zongren did not set out to ruin my night! He sent us what he insisted were Guangxi’s finest exotic dangers, but if that is true I feel sad for the Guangxi power-holders. These women seemed to think that by merely standing near a pole while naked they were real strippers! Where were the acrobatics? Were they not aware of our great nation’s long tradition of acrobatic performances? Pathetic. I would rather get a lap dance from Ding Ling.

While my attaché seemed impressed, he passed out long before midnight. I dismissed the Guangxi strippers and sold them to Japan for ammunition for my handguns. I did have some fun shooting into the air at midnight, but beyond that, what a waste!

YXS

Loyal Readers:

I got a letter from Jiang Jieshi the other day. I opened it, and read it, it said he was a sucka. True story, thought you should know.

Last week I was giving the latest installment in my 10-part lecture series on the greatest dynasties of all time to the JPA when I had a strange thought. Now normally I keep my thoughts to myself–did not the great Han Feizi warn us that the ruler must be mysterious and unknowable?–but I like you, so I think I can let you in this one time.

Well, but first I have to tell you about the lecture, which is the whole point of this blog post, so here it goes. The lecture concerned the #8 Most Impressive Chinese Dynasty, the Yuan. Now I know what you are thinking (you see, unlike me, you are not so mysterious). You are wondering how I could consider the Yuan to be a great dynasty, when not only was it a short lived dynasty, but a foreign dynasty as well! And not just a foreign dynasty, but a dynasty created and ruled by the the most dirty and dastardly of the barbarians, the Mongols!

Of course these are all fine complaints. What good is supreme power if you cannot hold onto it long enough to make at least 10 generations of peasants truly miserable? And yes, Mongols are Mongols. I mean, sure I enjoy the dirty and dastardly company of certain shapely members of the “Golden Horde” but those are merely professional relations. I certainly would never let them place me third on a social stratification scheme, nestled between random foreigners and rice munching southerners.

That said, look at this beautiful map:

Oh my, ain’t she a beaut? And this is why, even though the dynasty was as short-lived as a bottle of fenjiu in my liquor cabinet, we must give proper respect to the Yuan. They knew how to conquer. If it wasn’t for some dumb luck, they would have finished off Europe as well. I am actually glad that they never got around to that… I imagine this will be my legacy, and it would be rather tainted if some yurt-dwelling fool beat me too it.

A few things we can learn from the Yuan. First, killing people is good. Killing lots of people is even better. Why? Because after you kill lots of people, other people will be afraid of you and give you shit, like their homeland to rule. How sweet is that? Second, if you cannot defeat an enemy, get some of the enemy to join you so you can kill the rest of their people. Which leads me to number three, people are stupid. I mean, come on Song China! Which one of you douchebags said “Hmmm, the Mongols can never defeat us without a navy. Well, I better see about getting them a navy!”

The Mongols also showed us the wisdom in hiring laowai to do shit for us. They hired a bunch of laowai, except then they were called semuren. I got some laowai working for me. No, not just the working girls, I got a truckload of American military advisers. Does not seem fair, they got Marco Polo, I get General Bragg and his “fight Japan” bullshit.

Well, back to the strange thought I had. During my lecture, I was talking about how the Mongols, being idiots, originally wanted to convert all of north China into pastures for their horses. Luckily they were talked out of it by an intelligent (which is to say non-Mongol) official. This plan would have called for the extermination of all the residents of north China–my people would have been wiped out, my beautiful Shanxi made to look like pony heaven–and Yan Xishan never would have existed. Funny how history works sometimes.

Well, guess what Mongolia? You missed your chance, cause I am alive and kicking! You best believe I will not shed a tear for your would-be grandchildren after I turn your grasslands into the world’s biggest poppy field.

Like I said, funny how history works sometimes.

YXS