Liu Shaoqi–One Funny Mofo

April 29, 2007

So my old rival Liu Shaoqi just sent me this:

liu shaoqi message

Now, I admit this really pissed me off at first. He is well aware how upset I am, stranded as I am in the US while he and his unwashed “comrades” cavort in my onetime capital, Taiyuan. And to imply that it is I who will wear the green cap as he sleeps with my fifth wife? I almost lost it.

But then I calmed down and enjoyed a fine foot massage. Really, I cannot fault good ol’ Shaoqi. I know he has long been upset about what happened with me and his Guangmei a few years back. Did you know that she loved me and even had dreams of becoming wife #3? It is true. When I broke her heart, she turned to Communism. Not the first I must say–I have turned three women Communist! Sometimes I think I am my own worst enemy. One woman became a lesbian after we broke up, but I do not think I was the cause. She seriously had issues, not that I minded. Oh, Shanghai in 1929–I still miss you Ms. Smedley.

I digress. So go ahead Shaoqi, enjoy #5. But do yourself and Guangmei a favor, you might want to get your “xiao” Shaoqi looked after–I gave #5 a epic case of Mongolian VD back in ’37.


Welcome to the New YXS Blog

April 28, 2007

Loyal Readers,

Yes, it is true.  Not only have I been run out of Shanxi, but I have been run out of Myspace as well.  Tired of disappearing posts and endless friend requests from teenage girls, I have abandoned Myspace for this new site.  Update your bookmarks and RSS feeds.

Yan Xishan

A Strange Event

April 28, 2007

Loyal Readers,

Many have written me asking how the plans for the reoccupation of Shanxi are going. I will address these concerns shortly, but in order to do so I must first discuss the issue of cultural estrangement.

As we all know, Yan Xishan is quite cosmopolitan. As I have noted earlier, in my youth I studied at a Japanese military academy, and have had extensive contact with the US through my military advisors in Taiyuan. I have also had business dealings with Russian and Mongolian whores. Now that I am temporarily stationed in the US, however, I have found some things beyond my comprehension. Strike that—I have found that in some ways Americans are crazy and make no sense.

Thus last week some of my advisors held what they called a “Four-Twenty Party.” At first I thought this was a reference to a military code, but searching my US Army manuals, I found no such reference. Given that most American holidays revolve around drinking and gift giving, I inferred that perhaps I was to spend four dollars and twenty cents on booze. I thus purchased six cans of “Milwaukee’s Best”—in retrospect I hope the claim inherent in this moniker proves to be false.

I arrived at the party, only to be greeted by an odor most foul. I believe that some of the guests brought beer that had been skunked. The behavior of the crowd was also most peculiar. Take for example the JPA, who had also attended. They spent most of the time eating American BBQ, which is strange, as they hate American food! They usually refuse to eat anything that is not cooked in malatang, but here they were stuffing hamburger after hamburger in their mouths. I fear we may need to resize the JPA uniform.

I ran into General Bragg, who insisted I tell the assembled guests about my plan to retake Shanxi with the Zombie JPA. I protested most vigorously, as I considered this matter top-secret. He insisted, so I proceeded to outline in detail my cunning plan, thinking that perhaps I could influence some policy makers. To my horror, the reaction was not awe but laughter. Non-stop laughter, as if they found my plan humorous.

This bizarre reaction leads me to believe my invasion plan will not be approved for funding. Back to the drawing board.


A new plan to retake Shanxi!!!

April 28, 2007

Loyal Readers and Wary Enemy Combatants,

 I write you in a state of great agitation.  From Taiyuan and in Shanxi in general I have been receiving distressing reports regarding the actions of both Jiang Jieshi and those Commie Pinkos.  Jiang Jieshi’s nutbag wife has been dismantling my favored drama troupes and has instructed her new troupe to prepare a production of Macbeth.  Out out damn spot indeed!  Meanwhile Zhu De has personally “liberated” my forth wife.  At least he could have done me the favor and also taken the first wife off my hands.  

 But distress has led me to develop a new and dare I say foolproof plan to retake my former stronghold (although I don’t think I will take back number 4, she has in theory now slept with all of greater Yan’an).  The story of how this plan came to me is interesting in and of itself.  Last Friday I was feeling depressed and borrowed General Bragg’s jeep to go for a ride, thinking that this might cheer me up.  But the damn clean air just mocked me and made me miss my coal mines that much more.  Luckily General Bragg, being a complete and total soak, always has a bottle or five of booze in the glove compartment.  I drove around drinking until I passed out.  As luck would have it I rambled off road and came to a stop in a large parking area.  When I awoke I was surrounded by other cars, all of use facing a large movie screen.

I would later learn that this bizarre setup is called a “drive in theater.”  Crazy Americans—what is next, drive in restaurants?  But I digress.  The movie they were showing gave me a genius idea, one which will no doubt catapult me back into power.  What is this idea? 

Zombies.  That is right, zombies.  Brain eating undead.  We all know the Commies have small brains, but brains they must have.  How could a Yan Xishan led army of zombies fail?  They cannot be killed—they are already dead!  I am already planning my victory parade.  

In order to put my plan into action I am preparing one of my JPA units.  Luckily, they will eat anything, but unluckily they only eat food cooked hotpot style. I have added cow brains to their malatang diet, they love it although I doubt they have any idea what they are eating.  Hopefully when they are zombie-fied they will not require seasoning on their foods.

But how to turn them into zombies?  This part of the equation eludes me for the moment.  General Bragg refuses to discuss this.  Shit, all he does is drink and call me “inscrutable.”  That is why I am calling on you, loyal member of the Yan Xishan Empire, to help spread the word about this plan.  Email this plan to everyone you know, especially those in leadership positions in the military-industrial complex.  Let them know about this great plan and soon the Zombie JPA will be eating Commie brain!

St. Patrick’s Day

April 28, 2007

Dear Readers,

My deepest regrets for not writing earlier, I know may of you have been concerned for my health, while others were hopeful that I would be scheming my way back into my Taiyuan stronghold.  Alas, the traitorous forces of the wife-sharing Commies are still too strong.  But my diviners, using the Yiching, have assured me that I will be back in Shanxi before too long.  They say Jiang Qing will desire to get back into acting and pressure Mao Zedong (who is totally whipped) to move to Hollywood, at which time I will be able to airlift my crack divisions of the JPA into place.

In the meantime, I am bored as hell in the heartland of the US.  My military advisors continue to urge me to adapt to local customs.  Their latest attempt was to introduce me to “St. Patrick’s Day,” which is supposedly some sort of Irish festival.  But it appears that is just another excuse for Americans to get stinking drunk.  I was told to wear something green, so of course I dressed in my military gear.

We went to several local watering holes and consumed copious amounts of beer and spirits.  As usual I drank my companions under the table.  After drinking fenjiu since I was 8, I can handle the booze pretty damn well.  I wish I could say the same for General Bragg–seeing a decorated war hero puke green beer is a memory I wish I had blacked out.

I did get pretty drunk, of course, and the last part of the night is pretty hazy.  I awoke this morning, still wearing my boots but not my pants, which is strange.  I am missing one of my medals, which has been replaced by a “Kiss me I’m Irish” button.  I also had a green clover drawn on my face and a rubber bracelet that reads “Sex Addict”

All in all a suitable holiday.  Hopefully we can all celebrate next year in Shanxi.


America the Strange

April 28, 2007

Loyal Readers,

As you surely know, I have been forced out of the sweet confines of Shanxi. Oh, how I miss my residential palace in Taiyuan! And no, it is not just my wives/concubines/whores that I miss. I tell you, once you are a warlord in charge of your very own province, it is hard to go back to “regular” life.

But life here is far from “regular.” First, the sky is the most perverse shade of blue here… I long to build a ring of coal burning plans, so that I might surround myself with the natural gray smoke that is Taiyuan air. And the food… oh how gross it is! Huge slabs of meat, unseasoned spare a touch of salt! How these Americans get so fat I have no idea. I have discovered a few “Chinese” restaurants, but the crap they serve is bizarre to say the least. I demanded a roujiamo, but all they would give me was a strange creation called “Orange Chicken.”

The booze here, however, is quite good. No fenjiu, mind you, but it does the trick. I have also discovered a creation called the “Fortune Cookie.” Upon my triumphant return to Shanxi, I shall attempt to use this as a means of anti-Communist propaganda.

“Confucius says, CCP will make you share your wife”

“Confucius says, Red Army buggers boys”

Cannot argue with Kongzi!


The Shit Hits the Fan in Shanxi

April 28, 2007

Dear Loyal Readers,

Alas, it has been some time now since I have had time to update my blog and let you know how my quest to tighten my grip on Shanxi goes. Well, now that I do have the time, the news is not good. How bad is it? Well, I had to be evacuated to the US by my American military advisors!

So as I sit here (not even sure where I am, all I know is that I am somewhere near a so-called “Montana”) missing my fenjiu and donkey bings, I thought I would let you all know what went wrong. No surprise it was the JPA that caused all these problems.

Turns out that the JPA and thier awesome outfits pissed off Madame Jiang Jieshi. She is a jealous hater. She organized her own milita, but instead of dressing them in “Juicy” pants, she chose to cover her girls in “Ambercrobie and Fitch” gear. It was not long before the “Girls who wear Ambercrombie and Fitch” (as they were known) were marching on my stronghold in Taiyuan.

Desperate, I called on the JPA to defend me and the honor of Shanxi. But the girls were caught unprepared–they just had an epic hotpot feast and all were suffering from a serious case of laduzi. They were overrun and I was forced to flee. Oh, how I hate “Girls who wear Ambercrombie and Fitch”!!!

Well, my advisors promise me that I will return to Shanxi in victory. In the meantime they are taking me out to introduce me to “cheeseburgers and beer.” Hopefully they will not suck.

So until my return, whenever that will be, I must take my leave. Solider on my dear readers.