Loyal Readers and Wary Enemy Combatants,
I write you in a state of great agitation. From Taiyuan and in Shanxi in general I have been receiving distressing reports regarding the actions of both Jiang Jieshi and those Commie Pinkos. Jiang Jieshi’s nutbag wife has been dismantling my favored drama troupes and has instructed her new troupe to prepare a production of Macbeth. Out out damn spot indeed! Meanwhile Zhu De has personally “liberated” my forth wife. At least he could have done me the favor and also taken the first wife off my hands.
But distress has led me to develop a new and dare I say foolproof plan to retake my former stronghold (although I don’t think I will take back number 4, she has in theory now slept with all of greater Yan’an). The story of how this plan came to me is interesting in and of itself. Last Friday I was feeling depressed and borrowed General Bragg’s jeep to go for a ride, thinking that this might cheer me up. But the damn clean air just mocked me and made me miss my coal mines that much more. Luckily General Bragg, being a complete and total soak, always has a bottle or five of booze in the glove compartment. I drove around drinking until I passed out. As luck would have it I rambled off road and came to a stop in a large parking area. When I awoke I was surrounded by other cars, all of use facing a large movie screen.
I would later learn that this bizarre setup is called a “drive in theater.” Crazy Americans—what is next, drive in restaurants? But I digress. The movie they were showing gave me a genius idea, one which will no doubt catapult me back into power. What is this idea?
Zombies. That is right, zombies. Brain eating undead. We all know the Commies have small brains, but brains they must have. How could a Yan Xishan led army of zombies fail? They cannot be killed—they are already dead! I am already planning my victory parade.
In order to put my plan into action I am preparing one of my JPA units. Luckily, they will eat anything, but unluckily they only eat food cooked hotpot style. I have added cow brains to their malatang diet, they love it although I doubt they have any idea what they are eating. Hopefully when they are zombie-fied they will not require seasoning on their foods.
But how to turn them into zombies? This part of the equation eludes me for the moment. General Bragg refuses to discuss this. Shit, all he does is drink and call me “inscrutable.” That is why I am calling on you, loyal member of the Yan Xishan Empire, to help spread the word about this plan. Email this plan to everyone you know, especially those in leadership positions in the military-industrial complex. Let them know about this great plan and soon the Zombie JPA will be eating Commie brain!