Many have written me asking how the plans for the reoccupation of Shanxi are going. I will address these concerns shortly, but in order to do so I must first discuss the issue of cultural estrangement.
As we all know, Yan Xishan is quite cosmopolitan. As I have noted earlier, in my youth I studied at a Japanese military academy, and have had extensive contact with the US through my military advisors in Taiyuan. I have also had business dealings with Russian and Mongolian whores. Now that I am temporarily stationed in the US, however, I have found some things beyond my comprehension. Strike that—I have found that in some ways Americans are crazy and make no sense.
Thus last week some of my advisors held what they called a “Four-Twenty Party.” At first I thought this was a reference to a military code, but searching my US Army manuals, I found no such reference. Given that most American holidays revolve around drinking and gift giving, I inferred that perhaps I was to spend four dollars and twenty cents on booze. I thus purchased six cans of “Milwaukee’s Best”—in retrospect I hope the claim inherent in this moniker proves to be false.
I arrived at the party, only to be greeted by an odor most foul. I believe that some of the guests brought beer that had been skunked. The behavior of the crowd was also most peculiar. Take for example the JPA, who had also attended. They spent most of the time eating American BBQ, which is strange, as they hate American food! They usually refuse to eat anything that is not cooked in malatang, but here they were stuffing hamburger after hamburger in their mouths. I fear we may need to resize the JPA uniform.
I ran into General Bragg, who insisted I tell the assembled guests about my plan to retake Shanxi with the Zombie JPA. I protested most vigorously, as I considered this matter top-secret. He insisted, so I proceeded to outline in detail my cunning plan, thinking that perhaps I could influence some policy makers. To my horror, the reaction was not awe but laughter. Non-stop laughter, as if they found my plan humorous.
This bizarre reaction leads me to believe my invasion plan will not be approved for funding. Back to the drawing board.