Happy Halloween, Shanxi Style

To my Loyal Readers,

Allow me the extreme yet sublime pleasure of wishing you a Happy Halloween from lovely downtown Taiyuan. Many of you are probably a bit confused, wondering exactly how it is that we celebrate Halloween here in Shanxi.

Well, like many changes here it is the result of my nonstop modernization drive. I was mainly interested in stocking up on the latest US-made weapons, but my advisors insist that I bring some culture to the masses. Thus we have imported a host of Western holidays, although I do suspect that my American advisors are just looking for excuses to get drunk and go whoring. Like they need an excuse!

Take Halloween. They keep on telling me how it is a great holiday because women get a chance to dress like sluts. They keep on talking about costumes such as the “Slutty Nurse” or the “Slutty Policewoman.” Sounds great, yet at the Taiyuan Halloween Bash, all we had was wall-to-wall “Slutty Peasants.” Not so sexy.

As for me, I had lots of trouble finding a costume. As you can see from my picture, I take my appearance very seriously! I was going to dress up like Jiang Jieshi–seemed simple enough, just put on his uniform and get one of the JPA girls to follow me around wearing a cat outfit and a whip. But after consideration, I decided that will all the discipline problems I have been having with the JPA, I should not give them a chance for revenge. Then I thought about going as “the Chairman” but then again, what would that be like? Would I have to share my wives with the peasant masses? No thanks!

All my other ideas sucked. How about going as Hitler? My advisors said it was “too soon.” Maybe after the war it will be a good costume idea?

In the end, I just kind of gave up and started drinking heavily. If anyone asked me who I was dressed as, I just said I was Churchill. Well, better luck next year. In the meantime my advisors are already looking forward to ‘Thanksgiving,” whatever that is. They insist I hunt down some kind of mythical ultra-chicken!



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