What the Hell is up with these Americans?

Hola Amigos,

As I am sure all my loyal readers and fearful enemies are well aware of, I am currently in a life and death battle with a myriad of forces. Jiang Jieshi, ultra n00b, keeps pressing me to throw my best troops into certain death battles. No doubt he would have his eyes on the JPA, but his Jesus-freak wife probably cut off his “little generilissimo” years back. The commies are freaking everywhere, bitching about everything–even hatin’ me cause I got nine wives. I tell them everyday–don’t hate the warlord, hate the warlord system. And the Japs… if I get one more telegram offering peace in exchange for a full set of JPA panties, I am seriously going to lose it.

And who “has my back”? Ah, my American advisers, sent to keep Shanxi “safe for democracy,” whatever the hell that means. Like peasants can vote for anything except which side of the road to take a crap on. These American mofos are driving me crazy. They drink so much they make me look like a Weiger. And if they are not falling down drunk, then they are taking advantage of one of our pure and innocent Shanxi whores. Disgraceful behavior, who the hell do they think they are? I really hope MacArther and the US fleet gets here soon to save our asses, I don’t think I can take much more of this shit. France and those other countries must be thanking thier lucky stars they don’t have to put up with these fools.

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