I write to you from the comforts of the US military finest air transport. I am working on my fifth martini (gin, very dry) and enjoying a Cuban cigar–General Bragg has been kind enough to give me a case of these beautiful creations as a parting gift. These creature comforts have only increased my happiness, as I must admit I am ecstatic–I am on my way back to the Motherland, to reclaim my rightful place at the helm of Shanxi, the greatest place on earth. It truly is the magical kingdom.
Exactly how will I accomplish this? I wish I could tell you, but alas, due to military concerns my plans must remain confidential. All I can tell you is that the plan involves the JPA and a few hundred cases of fenjiu. First stop is Beiping, where I will attempt to work out a deal with Feng Yuxiang or whatever warlord currently controls the former Beijing.
On to victory! In the meantime, I will get back to drinking these delicious martinis. It must be the altitude… I am getting fantastically loaded.