The long wait is over. I am pleased to announce, without any further ado, the number one Chinese philosopher. The man worthy of your love and adoration. He is a man that was born in turbulent times, but never shrank away from danger, instead engaging and conquering a war-torn and fragmented state. Here he is:
That’s right, me. Who made Shanxi into the model province? Me. Who has ruled over Shanxi for two decades, earning the moniker “the Model Governor”? Me, that’s who!
When I was a young lad, I had nothing. I remember wanting to buy some fenjiu but not having enough money… the thought of having two Mexican silver dollars to rub together was a distant dream. But look at me now. I run Shanxi. I am rich and surrounded by sycophants who fear my wrath. I execute peasants the way Mao “accidentally” gets his wives executed–which is to say I do it a lot. I have more wives than Jiang Jieshi, Feng Yuxiang, and Zhang Zuolin put together.
And you know, for a long time I was not the strongest warlord in North China. Not even close. But I played the key role in balancing various factions. Everyone needed me, and I played that card like a pro. I am damn crafty. Yuan Shikai once wanted to have me executed as a traitor. How did that work out Yuan? Oh yeah, you are dead, and I am alive, blogging about how you are a punk. Feng Yuxiang? Yeah he wanted to occupy Shanxi, but guess what? He needed my support against some other warlord, so he could not do jack shit about it.
So, my Chinese brothers and sisters, do not emulate Confucius. Do not praise Sun Yat-sen. Do not worship Laozi. Turn to me, Yan Xishan, the most perfect whoring, drinking, and peasant-executing warlord/philosopher.