Yan Xishan meets the Dalai Lama

July 28, 2007

My dear Loyalists,

Yes, it is true, I have yet to return to my beloved Shanxi.  How my subjects must be suffering under the rule of the Mao Zedong and his motley band of wife-sharers.  Fear not, I will return!

In the meantime I am stuck in the Tibetan highlands, attempting to rally an army.  It has been slow going–it seems these Tibetans don’t speak Chinese.  To make matters worse, they want nothing to do with me or my Han brothers and sisters.  That much was made clear to me during my meeting with the 13th Dalai Lama.   I snapped this photo of him:


After serving me the most horrid concoction of yak butter tea, he informed me that Tibet has enjoyed de-facto independence since the collapse of the Qing Dynasty, and they intended on maintaining that independence.

A few things struck me after this meeting.  First, Tibet seriously needs to learn how to make a G&T–beverage-wise, they surely are one of the most backward peoples around.  I have yet to see a single ice cube!  Second, not once did His Holiness thank me for my part in bringing down the Qing and thus helping free his peoples.  Finally, I had heard that despite his pledge of independence, His Holiness had bowed to the wishes of the monasteries and canceled the modernization of the Tibetan army, which they saw as too expensive and a threat to their traditional powers.   Once I reunify China under my rule, how are they going to stop me from invading?  But the beautiful thing about reincarnation is that future Dalai Lamas cannot complain–all I have to say to Dalai Lama #14 and his heirs is, hey, you were the one that disbanded the army!

Still, I do wonder if I will bother to invade.  Not really a big fan of the yak.  Plus, the Tibetan people have a certain individuality that I would like to see preserved.  It is not every minzu that can say “Hey, you know what?  Screw vegetables.  Lets move to 5000m above sea level and subsist on yak, and yak alone.”


A Train Ride too Far–the JPA in Shambles

July 22, 2007

YXS Loyalists,

As you must surely know, I recently embarked on a campaign to retake my homeland of Shanxi from those perverted wife-sharing Commies (they are actually currently sharing one of my own wives–luckily I am pretty sure hooking up with dirty peasant revolutionaries is grounds for divorce in the Shanxi legal code. If not, I will just add that when I get back).

After feasting with my US military advisers a few weeks back, I was shocked to see that they had no interest in helping me retake Taiyuan. I would have to go it alone. I gathered the JPA and set off on the slow train, with a brilliant stratagem in mind. I would take the JPA past Shanxi and into Shaanxi (yes you noob, these are two different places). Then I would strike from the West, where the Commies and their Comintern overlords would never see it coming.

Confident in my plan, I decided to enjoy the train ride. Is there a more beautiful place than the North China plains? I say not! As is my custom, I began to relax with a bit of booze. But the beer on the train was warm–backwards! The Model Governor does not drink warm beer! The train must be under the control of Feng Yuxiang, that guy would not know modernization if it mechanically bit off his ass. Luckily I had brought ample amounts of fenjiu, that Shanxi salve for all that bothers a modern warlord.

Alas, this is when things got out of control. I should have known better than to drink with the JPA. Pretty soon I was doing body shots, drinking fenjiu out the bellybutton of one of my quartermasters, a young Miss. Liu. Next thing you know, I wake up under the bottom bunk! That was like the xia xiapu. To my horror, we had long since passed both Shanxi and Shaanxi and were nearing the Tibetan highlands. To make matters worse, the JPA, deprived of their beloved leader, had lost their collective senses and debarked the train at various stops. All that was left was my reserve of crack troops that serve as my personal bodyguards/qi collection vessels. As well as Miss Liu, who was kind enough to accompany me to the xia xiapu.

I am attempting to regroup. It will not be easy. The locals here cannot understand my flawless Shanxi Chinese. But bringing down the Qing dynasty was not easy either. And I did that–BTW you can thank me the fact that you do not have to wear a queue. I used to have to rock one of those when I was pretending to be a Manchu loyalists–trust me, the ladies were not fans.

See you in Shanxi.


PS: Help another loyalist such as yourself by voting for Beijing Boyce (first member of the YXS Blogroll) in the 2007 China Blog Awards. Information can be found at his site here: