Sanlitun Sally and Marvin the Mohist

October 9, 2007

Loyal Readers:

Recently the Beiping celebrity behind sundaylovers asked for the help of the most wise of warlords, Yan Xishan. Here is the original query:

By the way, I’m always looking for neologisms pertaining to: soul patches, dreadlocks, white douchebags who have chinese character tatooed on their bodies, slutty xiaojies who hang out with aforementioned white douchebags, etc. Please advise.

As for soulpatches and dreadlocks, I am not of much help. Sometimes you cannot do any better than douchebag.

But slutty xiaojies? Back when I was more of a misogynist (last week, before I had to tone down the rhetoric in conjunction with a JPA recruiting drive), I referred to pretty much every woman that was not related to me a “hutong rat”–as in “Welcome to Shanxi, Mr. Ambassador, I have lined up some of our finest hutong rats for your pleasure!” You might think it is offensive, but you don’t see the Japanese imperial army threatening my borders anymore, do you?

Now that I am a kinder, gentler warlord, I have decided to treat women with more respect. You see, I am a gentleman. Or more to the point, I know how to act like a gentleman to get what I want. So for the time being, only those ladies who frequent the seedy parts of the Realm will be worthy of my scorn. And only a mild scorn at that. So, take for example, those poor misguided xiaojies who frequent Sanlitun in search of… who am I kidding, who the fuck knows what they are thinking.

Sanlitun Sally

Photo taken in Sanlitun Sleaze-pit d’jour

When I look at these confused girls, I cannot help but wonder… Don’t I know you ladies? You, on the left, you hooked up with that dude from Canada, right? Pink shirt–did we. . . Maybe it was your cousin? In the middle, with the busy hands, did that one drunk guy from Italy ever get you to go back to his place in Shunyi? That was you, or least I swear it was.

So many ladies on the prowl, with English names leftover from middle school, popping up here and there like a case of genital warts that just won’t go away… How about I just call you all Sally? Sanlitun Sally, there, that makes my life easier.

Laowai dudes with Chinese tattoos. Don’t get me started. Whoops too late.

Laowai tattoo

“Now I have proof I am cool!”

Now your average Sanlitun Sally is just a poor misguided girl. I feel bad, but for those stupid enough to get a character “tat,” sorry, your extreme stupidity precludes me from pity. What is so wrong with getting a Chinese tattoo, you might ask. Let me break it down like this. You know how everyone makes fun of the Chinese for their love affair with English words? The way a shirt is suddenly fashionable because it has an English phrase on it? Well, getting a Chinese tattoo is the exact same thing–except that whereas that fine Chinese citizen will take off their dumb-ass “Happy Day!” shirt when they get home, you just tattooed some random word on your skin. Great move.

You may think Chinese characters are so damn cool–many Chinese think the same about English words, but all both sides are doing is fetishizing the other. Luckily for my people, few of us have started tattooing English words on our bodies.

For your crime of forever marking yourself as a douche, I reward you with the name Marvin the Mohist. You see, back in the day, the Chinese imperial state tattooed criminals to punish them. Mozi was a innovate thinker who, according to legend, had been “inked” himself. Now that I know you are a follower, I can ask you what you think about his philosophy of jian’ai, or how you plan to use his policy of youwei to help revive the state. Wait, you don’t know what I am talking about? Oh shit, you mean Marvin the Mohist don’t know shit about China? Wow, never saw that coming.

YXS


Now Accepting Applications: The JPA

October 7, 2007

Followers of the Great Yan Xishan:

As you surely know, my crack troops, the Juicy Pants Army, was decimated during my efforts to retake to retake Shanxi.  While I was successful in my liberation (don’t you hate how the Commies have ruined that word for us good guys?) of my home province, the JPA did not make it.  They were separated from their leader when I passed out drunk on the train to Taiyuan, and without my leadership they scattered like the wind.  All save a few of my crack troops, such as my bodyguard/masseuse/body shot vessel Miss Liu.

In the weeks that have followed, I gave little thought to reforming the JPA–its time had passed, I figured.   Juicy Pants were a thing of the past and so was my Juicy Pants Army.  But then today while strolling through my capital, I saw a Shanxi beauty sporting Juicy Pants–and her ass was as flat as a board, for extra irony goodness.  I decided right then it was time to reform the JPA.

Even better, I am forming the JPA as a global organization.  Every woman, regardless of nationality, is welcome to join my army.  All you need is loyalty to me and a willingness to don Juicy Pants.

So, who’s with me?  Let’s do this!

YXS


The “that’s Beijing” Bump

October 1, 2007

As some of my loyalists know, I was once a regular contributer to the “that’s Beijing forum,” now known as “the beijinger.” If you have any interest in discussing the implications of white dudes having indiscriminate sex (aka “dating”) Chinese women, you should check it out their site. I still weigh in on important matters from time to time, for example setting the record straight on the correct way to describe lower back tattoos. As I recently explained to a misguided fool who used the term “whorestamp”:

Incorrect usage. Proper term is “tramp stamp” and only applies to lower back tattoos. While “whorestamp” is often used, it is what those in the biz would call a “needless variant”–all that is gained is increased misogyny, at the cost of losing the rhyming scheme of “tramp” and “stamp.”

This moniker is already considered passe and should be avoided. Unless you are writing an Adam Sandler movie or something like that.

Such times, when I feel compelled to enlighten the masses, are few and far between these days. Regardless, the people who run that’s Beijing saw fit to include my blog as one of their featured “links of the week” in their most recent email newsletter.  Here is what they said:

Everyone’s favorite warlord contributor to thebeijinger.com forum, Yan Xishan, now has his own blog where you too can join his Juicy Pants Army.

Impressed, I braced my blog for the massive influx of readers who surely click the “links of the week” that the newsletter overlords provide for them. And what was the “that’s Beijing bump”?

One click. Although to be fair, perhaps most of the readers of the newsletter were not smart enough to get around the Great Firewall of China.

Luckily for me, everyone doing web searches for “Ma Bufang,” “beijing whores,” or “national shame china” will be quickly directed to 1941’s most noteworthy warlord.

That would be me, FYI.