Followers of the Great Yan Xishan:
As you surely know, my crack troops, the Juicy Pants Army, was decimated during my efforts to retake to retake Shanxi. While I was successful in my liberation (don’t you hate how the Commies have ruined that word for us good guys?) of my home province, the JPA did not make it. They were separated from their leader when I passed out drunk on the train to Taiyuan, and without my leadership they scattered like the wind. All save a few of my crack troops, such as my bodyguard/masseuse/body shot vessel Miss Liu.
In the weeks that have followed, I gave little thought to reforming the JPA–its time had passed, I figured. Juicy Pants were a thing of the past and so was my Juicy Pants Army. But then today while strolling through my capital, I saw a Shanxi beauty sporting Juicy Pants–and her ass was as flat as a board, for extra irony goodness. I decided right then it was time to reform the JPA.
Even better, I am forming the JPA as a global organization. Every woman, regardless of nationality, is welcome to join my army. All you need is loyalty to me and a willingness to don Juicy Pants.
So, who’s with me? Let’s do this!