Announcing the Formation of the Shanxi Robotics Division

January 11, 2008

Another exciting announcement for the followers of the Model Governor! First I told you about the formalization of Yan Xishan Thought into Shanzhuyi; now I proudly proclaim the founding of the Shanxi Robotics Division! This was truly a genius move on my part. Between the power of the JPA and the ruthless efficiency of the SRD, the Commie Pinkos have no chance.

Before I make my move on Yan’an, however, the Robotics Division will need massive funds for research and production. At the moment we only have one working robot, which was “procured” from a Japanese officer with a weakness for fenjiu and used schoolgirl undergarments. Before you go and accuse me of being a hanjian (that is traitor to the Chinese race for those of you who have not yet learned the language your children will be speaking) for allowing a Japanese devil to smell the panties of Shanxi schoolgirls, fret not: I had the undergarments worn by some elderly Russian women!

Here is our first robot, currently serving in my Shanxi palace. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Shanxi Beerbot:
Shanxi Beerbot

Unfortunately, the only photo I have of the Shanxi Beerbot was taken while he was in the service of the Japanese Devils. Rest assured he now only pours properly patriotic pijiu. Slowly but surely we will build our Robotics Division, and eventually we will have a two pronged thrust into the Shan-Gan-Ning base area, JPA to the left, SRD to the right! Until then, I am going to get drunk.



A New Philosphy: Shanzhuyi (Shanism)

January 9, 2008

Loyal Followers of the Model Governor:

Many of you have been writing wanting more philosophical guidance. As I demonstrated here, I am the greatest thinker in the long 5,000 years of Chinese history. But what exactly is my school of thought? Certainly those of you who have been longtime fans (talking about you J. Wo) are well versed in how I think. But what about those sad n00bs? So many of you out there in the web-o-rama have yet to accept me as your personal teacher. That is about to change.

I hereby announce the formalization of Yan Xishan thought: Shanzhuyi (山主义) or Shanism. In the future I will explain in greater detail what Shanzhuyi is all about, but I wanted to give you something to look forward to.


New Year’s Eve=Disappointment

January 1, 2008

Fellow Fans of Shanxi,

I was hoping to use this opportunity to wish all of you a most happy 1941 (or whatever year you are choosing to celebrate out there in the web-o-sphere), but my heart is heavy with frustration, and I must vent.

As you must surely know, I am not adverse to finding excuses to get loopy on fenjiu or the local Shanxi pijiu, and as such I had high hopes for this New Year’s Eve. I had the whole night planned in excruciating detail, with everything leading up to a buck-naked sparkling fenjiu toast with the three leading ladies of the local qinqiang opera circuit. They are known as the san guniang, and they are famous for both for their lovely eardrum-shattering timbre as well as their depraved bisexuality. I have already traded some of their panties to the Japanese Guandong Army for a truckload of shiny new handguns, so you can imagine how much fun my night would have been.

Would have been being the operative term. My current US military attaché is such a stubborn punk–he makes “Vinegar Joe” Stilwell look like Honey Joe. He went on and on about how his hearing aid had short-circuited the last time we entertained the san guniang, and insisted on what he referred to as “Plan B.” Reluctantly, I agreed to let him plan the evening. Well, he contacted Jiang Jieshi for some entertainers, and Jiang passed the buck to Li Zongren, the Guangxi warlord, who like me is a “general” in the Guomindang. Shit, if Li Zongren did not set out to ruin my night! He sent us what he insisted were Guangxi’s finest exotic dangers, but if that is true I feel sad for the Guangxi power-holders. These women seemed to think that by merely standing near a pole while naked they were real strippers! Where were the acrobatics? Were they not aware of our great nation’s long tradition of acrobatic performances? Pathetic. I would rather get a lap dance from Ding Ling.

While my attaché seemed impressed, he passed out long before midnight. I dismissed the Guangxi strippers and sold them to Japan for ammunition for my handguns. I did have some fun shooting into the air at midnight, but beyond that, what a waste!