How to Succeed in China

June 22, 2008

Friends, Followers, and Fanboys:

This past few weeks some of you have been writing me for advice–and why not?  If you need to turn to someone, it makes sense to make it the Model Governor myself, and I am used to many of you seeking me out to help you with your various problems, even if it means taking time out of my daily routine of boozing, whoring, and finding new ways to infuriate the various Song sisters.  So I am thus putting aside my current project–getting Song Ailing to invest big bucks in the “Taiyuan Lake Housing Development Project”–to address a concern of many of my readers.  Namely, how does one succeed in today’s China?

This is a serious question, especially given all the turmoil in today’s China.  Armed conflicts, ideological disputes, natural disasters, and totalitarian leaders; the path to the top is rocky indeed.  That was true for me, and it is still true for you young bucks fighting for your first Mexican silver dollar.  Thus I present to you, the patented Yan Xishan three step process to succeed in today’s China:

1.  Let someone else do the hard work.

2.  Steal everything you can from them.

3. Profit!!!

This my friends is the Chinese way of career success.  It was true for Jiang Jieshi, who watched Sun Zhongshan and the Comintern build up the KMT, then took that shit over once Sun died, leaving him in charge of the Northern Expedition.  And this is not just a strategy for world leaders (hey, if FDR is going to pretend Jiang Jieshi is a Great Leader, I can too!).  As my gemen’r Boyce noted a while back, it works for the owners of booze-holes in Beiping.  And it just happened again in that fine city, with the creators of the magazine “that’s Beiping” being forced out by their publisher, who will now publish their own version of “that’s,” profiting on all the work done by the folks they just screwed over.

So what do we learn from all of this?  First, never start anything by yourself.  It is a lot of hard work!  Perhaps the stress might kill you–look what happened to that old fool Sun Zhongshan.  You might spend all of your time getting girls drunk and ready for their foreign hookups, like the bartenders at the former Shooters.  Hell, you might spend all of your time policing an increasingly mindless online forum.

No, instead of doing the hard work, might I instead suggest taking an secondary, behind the scenes role?  And thus just wait until you can steal everything, claim it as your own, and coast your way to the top?  Listen kids, it is your choice, just don’t say I never warned you.

YXS

PS: To get a feel of the old Shooters, look here.  Just be ready to feel really dirty.  Here is a preview of what awaits, complete with a future JPA buck private:

Advertisements

Let’s Raise Some Awareness!

June 15, 2008

Hola Followers of the Great Me:

Yes, once again a long time has past since I had the opportunity to “blog”; my apologies if you were concerned that my Shanxi supercomputer had malfunctioned, leaving me with no way to update you on the world of Taiyuan, circa 1941. There in fact was nothing wrong with my supercomputer–certainly nothing a dip in a vat of our famous Shanxi vinegar could not fix. No, I have been unable to update this most awesome of all blogs due to recent events here in the Middle Kingdom. What a tragic few months we have had here, it is enough to bring a tear to my eye. Of course I am way too dehydrated to ever cry (little known bonus effect of daily fenjiu consumption), but you get the idea.

Where to start? The damn Commies continue to gain power in the rural hinterlands. I have become increasingly exasperated–how can Mao execute so many landlords while still finding time to spread VD among his many “cultural troupes”? True multi tasking. The Guomindang is still under the control of a brain-dead leader who cannot see the brilliance of what historians will one day call “The Shanxi Way.” And the Japs–don’t even get me started on those pervs.

To add a new level of tragedy, there has recently been a major earthquake down in the Sichuan basin. Word is that you could even feel it up here in Shanxi, although I felt nothing. And when I say I felt nothing I literally felt nothing–I was passed out in my private opium den, my Shanxi Beerbot opening bottles using my nostrils. A few buildings here in Taiyuan collapsed, but that is nothing new. My nephew wins most of the contract bids around town, and I don’t mind telling you, he is as incompetent as he is corrupt. I would not even let him build me a birdhouse, although schools for the poor are another thing altogether.

Now the details of what happened down in Sichuan are pretty hazy–you have to understand that here in 1941 there is almost no mass media, and the internets is pretty haphazard at best. But it seems that in the aftermath of the earthquake, all Chinese are coming together to help our Sichuan brothers and sisters. Of the various fund raising drives, only one, however, has truly caught my eye. I speak of the work of Xiao Yun (that is Little Cloud to you laowai), a young Sichuan lass who has decided to encourage philanthropy by stripping down for the camera. Xiao Yun, take it away:

Now I could post a few more of the photos, and I am sure those of you who stumbled onto this blog by searching for “Beijing teenage hookers” (you know who you are) would be pretty excited about that. But I think this image speaks volumes–nothing says “donate to charity” like a girl stretched out on a fake sheep skin rug.

Now, some have been quick to attack Xiao Yun, saying that she is out for fame. But I applaud her willingness to use her body for the greater good. With this in mind, I hereby order Xiao Yun conscripted into the JPA. If she wants to sacrifice her body for China, she can do it on the front lines with the rest of the Juicy Pants girls. Don’t worry Xiao Yun–there will be plenty of hot pot, so you will feel right at home.

YXS