Defending Shanxi

October 21, 2008

Dear Readers:

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to rest.  I mean, sure I take constant vacations, and even when I am on the clock I am usually passed out or on the way towards oblivion.  But even when I am holed up in my Taiyuan stronghold with one of my many wives or a collection of unfortunate peasant girls, I am always thinking about the greatest place on earth, my lovely Shanxi.

There are those who do not share my love of Shanxi, and as such they attack me, the JPA, and the good (read stupid) peasants that farm and pay taxes.  That is right, I am taking to you, the Chinese Communist Party.  Oh, and you too, Jiang Jieshi, don’t think I forgot how you tried to punk me in the 30s.

Recently, the anti-Shanxi voices in my head just seem to get louder and louder.  Take this example here, of a girl who has decided that she should marry a stinking laowai because “China does not have any men suitable” for her.  Now, normally I do not care about such silly statements.  As a warlord controlling vast resources, I have all the women I need, both foreign and domestic (BTW, same goes for my booze).  Plus I have met plenty of laowai men through my contacts with the US military, and so for any woman who would want to marry one of these half-baboon creatures, good luck.

But this woman crossed the line with this statement:

China definitely does not lack rich men, but have a look at what kind of people they are. How many of them succeeded due to their own effort, ability or honesty? If they are not brick-moving labour contractors, then they are coal-digging boss from Shanxi, or they are corrupt. They are neither civilised, nor do they have a good bearing. How am I supposed to converse with them? To be honest, they will regard it as art if you are able to hum a few lines of pop music.

Hold on there girl!  Why did you have to drag the good and honest coal-digging bosses of Shanxi into this mess?  Why, some of my closest friends are coal-digging bosses of Shanxi!  They are hard workers, who demand nothing but the best from their workers, even if that means creating dangerous working situations that result in multiple and preventable deaths.  Are we supposed to just give up on cheap and dirty coal power?  Ha!  You think power comes from the sky like rain or sunshine?

Moreover, we Shanxi men are men of culture.  Pop songs?  Please, you truly do not understand these great men, who delight in five-hour long operas, best viewed with a bottle of fenjiu in one hand and an underpaid and possibly diseased sex worker on your lap.

In the end, I am conflicted.  On one hand, women like this, so ignorant of Shanxi, should be shown the door and invited to leave China for whatever third-rate first world country will take them.  Might I suggest Canada?  On the other hand, that such anti-Shanxi sentiment is spreading is troubling to say the least.

Will it be my responsibility alone to restore the good name of Shanxi to the internet?

YXS


Great Men of Shanxi: Duke Wen of Jin

October 7, 2008

Readers:

As usual, a long time has passed since I last had the pleasure of lecturing to the unwashed internet masses about the comings and goings of your favorite warlord.  And as usual, I am not to blame.  Where to start?  All three of the Song sisters have been drunk dialing my Taiyuan palace.  It seems they have no idea how expensive it is to operate a working phone system out here in Shanxi–and in the middle of a war to boot!  I might just have to raise taxes on noodles to pay for their inane blabbering.  Meanwhile, all across my territory I face the constant threat of the further disintegration of political unity. Fucking peasants.

As such, I have lately been thinking about another great man of Shanxi, one who knew how to keep peasants in line.  Previously I introduced you to Judge Dee, a Shanxi native that raised the art of torturing “suspects” to an art form, and a kinky art form at that.  Today I would like to introduce you to one of the earliest Shanxi greats, a powerful statesman known to history as Duke Wen of Jin (晉文公):

Duke Wen is also known as Double Ears (重耳), but I just call him a kick-ass hegemon.  You see, Duke Wen lived during the Spring and Autumn era, when all of China was fragmenting into all of these pathetically tiny states.  He was the ruler of Jin, which being located in what today’s Shanxi, was clearly the most awesome of the states.  But was he content with being ruler of Jin?  Not quite.  He would expand his armies and then expand his state, bringing in lesser states to make Jin even more awesome.  He eventually became one of the “5 Hegemons,” rising to a position of supreme power and holding together the Zhou order.  Truly a role model for all of us.  Or at least for those of us who are rulers from Shanxi.

There are plenty of great stories about Duke Wen, including a funny tale where he accidentally ate his friend’s thigh.  But my favorite tale is as follows: When he was a young buck on the rise, he had to take shelter in the state of Chu.  As a sign of his gratitude, he promised the ruler of Chu that if the two states went to war in the future, he would retreat a distance of a three day march, and only then fight.  Sure enough, after Duke Wen was in control of Jin, war with Chu came, and true to his word he retreated.  But after seeing that Chu still wanted a showdown, he used his retreat to lure the Chu troops to press thier attack in a reckless fashion.  The result was a bunch of dead Chu nobles.  I sometimes wonder what it would be like to kill nobles instead of peasants.  Anyway, to be a man of honor, and yet still find ways to trick your opponent and then kill them?  A great man indeed.

YXS