A Warlord Gives Thanks

November 27, 2008

Faithful Readers:

As the cold frost of the Shanxi winter rapidly advances, spirits here in Taiyuan are still high.  True, the JPA have exchanged their hot pants for a more insulated long pants uniform, but the fit is still tight.  Kudos to the designer of our military garb!  True, he is a notorious homosexual, but his rampant misogyny means he truly enjoys outfitting our Shanxi ladies in the most exploitative of outfits.  You think a feminist was behind the phenomenon of women’s clothing with words on the ass?  I think not.

My US military advisors are in a particularly fine mood, as they prepare to celebrate yet another American holiday.  Sometimes they baffle me, with all of their many celebrations, none of which (as far as I can fathom) involves sweeping the graves of their ancestors.  Earlier I have blogged about my encounters with Halloween and the most odd “four and twenty” holiday.  True to form, my advisors have been encouraging me to adopt Thanksgiving here in Shanxi, in order to (in their words) prove our “civilized” status.  Please, our coal mines are more than proof of our fine civilization?  Plus, do you not see the ancient Shang dynasty ding I use as my ashtray?  Check it out, and yes this is my actual ashtray:


As I have told my American “friends,” the Chinese race cannot and will not simply import this barbarian holiday.  I have, however, implemented a “Thanksgiving with Chinese Characteristics.”  What does this mean?  First of all, no turkey.  What a disgusting food, most foul.  We will however, feast in our own unique way.  Inspired by the American creation of the “turducken,” I have commissioned my palace chefs to create a super jiaozi.  According to my own design, it will work like this: First, take a cabbage and pork jiaozi, than put that inside of a lamb and carrot jiaozi, and then put that inside of an egg and tomato jiaozi.  Then, deep fry that sucker.  Oh yeah.  Far superior to turkey.  The JPA, however, will most likely insist on mala hot pot.  Sad but true: I have lost more soldiers to explosive diarrhea than to actual explosives.

We will also follow American tradition by giving thanks.  I will start:

I am thankful for holding down Shanxi, the most wonderful place on earth.

I am thankful for being able to fly under the radar.  While Mao Zedong and Jiang Jieshi fight it out, I will bide my time and most certainly emerge the victor of All-Under-Heaven.

I am thankful for the recent influx of sex workers into Taiyuan.  Prices are down, choices are up, and thanks to their inexperience, VD rates are at an all time low.  Thank you, rural unrest!

I am thankful that my Beerbot is still functioning.  If it breaks, I am pretty sure that no one here in Taiyuan will be able to fix my most precious servant.

Finally, I am thankful for booze.


Searching for Yan Xishan

November 9, 2008

Gentle Readers:

Today I offer you a special treat—-a look inside your favorite blog.  While all of my readers are passionate and devoted followers, they did not all come to discover this most excellent blog in the same manner.  Indeed, my readers are a diverse bunch.  Take a look at the top search returns that led internet junkies to the Yan Xishan Blog.

1. Laozi

2. Han Feizi

3. Jiang Jieshi

4. Yan Xishan

5. Xunzi

6. Chinese Thinkers

7. Yuan Shikai

8. Mongolian Teenage Hookers

9. Mongolian Whores

10. Sunzi

11. Ming Dynasty

12. Beijing Whores

13. Juicy Pants

14. Dalai Lama

15. Xiao Yun

That is some list, and I must admit it surprises me a bit.  Laozi as the number one referring search term?  Jiang Jieshi listed above Yan Xishan?  What a joke!  That serves as a powerful reminder that we all need to do more work to get my name out.

Perhaps equally surprising, how about them whores?  Are more people looking for Mongolian whores than Beijing whores?  Or are people looking for Beijing whores turning to other internet authorities?  Because that would be a huge mistake on thier part.

Finally, the Dalai Lama in a juicy pants and Xiao Yun sandwich—-that is priceless.