New Training Techniques for the JPA

December 26, 2008

Loyal Readers:

I trust you are all enjoying the end of the calendar year.  My US advisors have informed me that yesterday was “Christmas,” yet another excuse for them to take off from work and indulge themselves in the holy trinity of Western sins: drinking, whoring, and feeling superior to the great Chinese race.  Needless to say, only two of these sins are acceptable, and the third will no doubt result in a dejected look on their faces when thier grandchildren only speak Chinese (and with a perfect Shanxi accent to boot).

While I have humored my American guests by considering the importation of festivals such as Halloween and Thanksgiving, Christmas is a non-starter.  We are at war with the Commies, the Japs, and I am considering opening a “cyber” front against the uptight Dutchman who dared to remove the link to my blog from my Wikipedia page.  With so much conflict, how can I ask my people to waste their resources on gifting each other presents?  That is a waste of resources that needs to be funneled to me for my purposes!

Speaking of which, I have been looking at ways to keep the JPA in top fighting shape.  As such, when I stumbled accross this wonderful creation, I knew I just had to have it:


Once I get them shipped out to Taiyuan, all JPA barracks will have all regular doors replaced with ping pong doors.  I imagine this will keep my soldiers in top fighting shape.  Man, I cannot wait for the skills they will pick up in training applied in battle.  Can you imagine one of my officers delivering a wicked back handed slap across the face of an unsuspecting Ding Ling?  Oh, even better, how about Wang Guangmei?  That would be pretty damn hot.


Yan Xishan Concedes Defeat

December 7, 2008

My Dear Readers:

Today you will witness a rare occasion.  Due to an unfavorable battlefield, the internet’s most kick-ass Chinese warlord is forced to concede defeat.  Do not worry, gentle reader, I have not lost Shanxi.  In fact, we recently liberated three villages from the Commies, and also obtained a new payoff from GMD central.  No, this lack of victory is not taking place on the ground here in China, but in the world of internet tubes that connect us across time and space.

You see, about two weeks ago I prepared to enter the annual Chinalyst blog of year competition.  Going in, I felt strongly that this would be my year.  First, as you yourself know, this blog is a truly a place of wonder, where visitors learn about philosophy, history, military strategy, mongering, drinking, and perhaps most importantly, gain insight into the mind of Yan Xishan.  Secondly, I would be entered in the “General Blog” category.  As the only blogger with military experience, I seemed to be a shoo-in.

Alas, my Shanxi supercomputer, which allows me to blog at you from 1941, has had problems interfacing with the Chynalist webpage.  I am unable to edit my entry, which is not displaying my blog entry correctly, nor is it “aggregating my feed” correctly.  BTW, what a wonderful language you have in the “cyber” world.  Later on I am going to get my 7th wife to “aggregate my feed”–let me assure you there will be no interface problems there.

Without the ability to get my entry working correctly, I have decided to bow out of the race with honor (that is, before I can my ass handed to me).  Always remember your Sunzi!

Now, if you are not the type to shy away from lost causes, you can still cast a vote for Yan Xishan here.  But I would like to suggest some other fine blogs to vote for.  As reported here, I will be repeating my endorsement of Beijing Boyce in his run for a second Personal Blog award.  Click here to support this drunken laowai.

More endorsements to follow.

Yan out.

JPA Recruit of the Month: Wendi Deng

December 4, 2008

Faithful Readers:

As usual, I am blogging to you from my Taiyuan stronghold, surrounded by empty bottles of fenjiu and confused peasant girls.  Last night got out of hand, I must admit rather sheepishly.  Last night, in a drunken fit, I drunkenly barged into my 2nd wife’s room and demanded her services for the hour.  I know, I know.  Even if you forget about all of the young peasant girls and sex workers, I have nine wives, which means there are 8 wives younger than number 2!  Geez, she is nearly 40!  What was I thinking?

That question has haunted me all morning.  But I think I now realize that middle aged women do have their charms.  After all, they do have experience on their side.  Plus, they have to compete with the new models, so they can be rather cunning.  With that in mind, I have decided to create openings for in the JPA for women above the age of 30.  In the past, when a JPA solider reached that age, she was transferred into a less prestigious unit (aka traded to the Japanese for weapons).  Now, however, mature women with talent will be considered for positions of responsibility.

As all my current soldiers are well under 30, I have decided to draft my first mature JPA solider.  By this decree, Wendi Deng, report to Shanxi for assignment!

Now, most you probably do not know Wendi Deng, but that is only because you have never had anything that she wanted.  If, in the past, you had something she wanted, you would now know know her as “that bitch Wendi Deng that took my shit.”  Ms. Deng, in my esteemed opinion, is just the kind of immoral, conniving, backstabbing mature woman that can serve the JPA.  As a brief background, she was born Deng Wenge, but later changed her Chinese name to Deng Wendi.  For some reason, she thought the first name “Cultural Revolution” was a bad one.  I am not sure, it has a catchy ring to it.  In any case, she befriended an American couple, persuaded them to bring her to the US to study, then seduced the man, causing him to divorce his wife and marry her!  Then (and it only gets better) she divorced him, stayed in the US, and went to Yale.  Now she is married to some wealthy geezer named Rupert Murdoch.  Once again, he had been married, but not for long once he met Wendi.  I never heard of this Rupert guy, but evidently he is super rich from newspapers (long time readers know I feel about the press–kill ’em all).  Take a look at the happy couple:


Wow.  She must have nerves of steel to bed that dude.  I can only hope that the thought of the billions she will inherit once he kicks the bucket makes the task easier.  In any case, her ability to infiltrate the hearts of unsuspecting married white men makes her a valuable military commodity.

How will I deploy my newest JPA toy?  Not sure yet.  Her powers seem limited to Western men, who are much more forgiving of Asian women who grow old.  Stalin?  Might work.  Churchill?  Shit, just imagine if Wendi showed up in his bedroom with a dry gin martini and a three cigars.  FDR?  He certainly is sex starved, but that Eleanore would be a fierce challenge for Wendi.  Catfight, anyone?