JPA Recruit of the Month: Chen Yi

January 25, 2009

Hola fellow travellers of the “Net”:

How time flies these days!  Sometimes I fear I have just too much on my plate: fighting the Commies, suppressing the local press, ignoring Jiang Jieshi’s pleas for help, not to mention the everyday problems that pop up in running my beautiful Shanxi!  It is a wonder I have any “me time” at all, but I do what I can.  After all, the young ladies of Taiyuan are not going to sexually harass themselves.

But time certainly has flown, and I just realized that I have fallen behind in my JPA recruitment quotas.  As my loyal readers know, I have made a commitment to bring the best and brightest into military service.  Thus last month I drafted Wendy Deng, to serve alongside our first recruit Xiao Yun.  This month’s choice was a no brainer, as I went with a young woman who is truly sympatico with me in terms of her views on foreign relations.  Chen Yi, report for duty!


Some of you might know Chen Yi as Rola Chen, famous for being a “Super Girl.”  If you do, for shame!  There is no reason to know anything about this girl except that she enjoys lying around in her swimsuit with Chinese and Japanese flags to keep her ass from sticking to what appears to be a couch made of fine leather.  Now, I do not care if this girl can sing, or if she has any real talents at all.  All I need is a new ambassador to the Japanese here in North China.  My last envoy, believe it or not, puked on General Miyashiro after a long night of sake bombs and uni.  So much face was lost!!!

Luckily, we all know that the xiao ribenr is a horny, dirty, and perverted beast.  Until now I had no way to really capitalize on this fact, excepting my highly successful “Panties for Guns” program.  For while the fine ladies of Shanxi were willing to provide me with used undergarments to help defend the realm (I also provided them with noodle coupons), they always drew the line with crossing enemy lines.  Chen Yi, however, is the kind of solider that is willing to compromise herself for the greater good.  Congratulations on being inducted to the JPA, Chen Yi–I see great things in your future.  Oh, be sure to bring lots of panties.  Something tells me that you are going to need them!


Yan Xishan Claims Victory

January 7, 2009

Dear and Loyal Readers:

As you are most certainly aware, I recently was forced to humble myself by conceding defeat in the Chinalyst “Blog of the Year” competition.  My retreat from the field of battle was entirely my own decision–I recognized that due to the lackluster HTML skills of the Chinalyst organizers, my entry was flawed from the get-go and would keep me from truly bringing the military might of Shanxi to the fight.  It would have been like going to war with Wu Peifu as your only ally–a bad idea indeed.  I would like to take this opportunity to say this to the Chinalyst people: For Shame!

While by bowing out of the competition kept me from dominating the vote, I was able to catapult Beijing Boyce to victory in the “Personal Blog” category through a timely endorsement.  Meanwhile, another “Friend of Yan” captured the overall title.  (Side note: Both of these bloggers used “Yes We Can” in thier victory annoucements.  It might be time for a new catch phrase boys.)

I would like to say that I never thought that I would play such a role in deciding the eventual victors, but I am not so humble.  After all, throughout the 20s it was my decisions that decided the power balance in North China, why should the world of internet tubes be any different?

But here is what did surprise me: After conceding defeat, you, my loyal fans, kept the good fight alive.  As such, while total victory was not achieved (or even asked for, as I had long ago dropped out of the race), this blog did kick some serious ass.  you can take a look at some of the losers who failed to match me here, but I can summarize most of these blogs for you: Hey, I am a laowai!  I live in China!!  OMG!!!!

One of those who failed to match my vote total deserves special attention: The Beijinger Blog.  I take no pleasure in this victory.  The old that’s Beijing forum was once an entertaining arena of exchange, but ever since my departure it has been on a steady decline.  Now it is a study in failure, and my easy victory over the Beijinger Blog–after I long ago conceded defeat mind you–does not look good for whatever Chinese woman is running the expat show in Beijing.

OK, back to work.  These peasants are not going to exploit themselves!