#4 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Tang

Gentle Readers:

Last night, gazing over the beautiful Taiyuan skyline as the sun set to the west of my fortified palace, watching the sun dip below the fragrant haze created by my coal mines, my mind wandered and I began to ponder some of the big questions that have been on my mind since I was a young lad.  Who or what created us?   Was Hong Xiuquan fucking crazy, or was he actually bat-shit crazy?  Why is it that I was destined for greatness, while peasants are destined to farm using their own shit as fertilizer?  Who put that stick up Jiang Jieshi’s ass?  Does Mao Zedong realize that with his accent, he sounds like a little bitch?

As I pondered my role in this world, and my status as a great Chinese leader (and the #1 Chinese thinker), this led me to a new line of inquiry: What is it that defines us as Chinese?  Not in terms of nationality, as this is a simple question.  In terms of nation, China refers to the great Han race and all those minorities lucky enough to be crushed by our superior numbers and hot pot technology.  No, as I pondered the meaning of “Chinese,” I was reflecting on the role of culture.

Now, when I was a young man, Chinese culture was a simple matter.  Drink tea, quote Zhu Xi whenever possible, eat rice, cripple your daughter by binding her feet, and repeat until you croak and your many sons mourn you for three years.  But within my lifetime, so much has changed!  Sure, we still got the rice thing, but nowadays Zhu Xi is out, and Ibsen is in.  And if you bind your daughter’s feet, you are considered a serious asshole.  A few decades ago, if you could not freely pontificate about the “investigation of things” while your womenfolk hobbled about within the seclusion of your estate, you would not be considered Chinese.  These days?  So much has changed!

Now, of course I am thankful for this change.  I mean, I rule Shanxi, so the whole end of the imperial era thing has kind of worked out for me.  Plus, I like a real active sex partner, and women with bound feet really cannot do some of the real freaky shit that I enjoy.  Yes, I know, this makes me a feminist, don’t remind me.  But if we cannot take Chinese culture and fossilize it, how can we ever be sure how to separate the great Chinese from the dirty, stinky, and typically hairy barbarian?  After worrying about this for a few hours, I finally relaxed, thanks to two things.  First was a stiff fenjiu cocktail, second was my memories of the #4 dynasty of all time, the great Tang dynasty!


The Tang was truly a great time.  First, as you can see, this was a large dynasty, one that extended a Chinese bitch slap all the way into Inner Asia along the Silk Road.  But what really appeals to me about the Tang was that this was a different China, one would have been unrecognizable to my parents and their generation.  That punk Zhu Xi had not yet put the Neo in Neo-Confucianism.  Women did not yet bind their feet, which meant when you sexed up Yang Guifei, she could do all your favorite positions!  Perhaps most importantly, China was open to other cultures and ideologies–Confucianism was actually taking a back seat to Buddhism!  Crazy.  But if China was culturally so different during one of its greatest eras (specifically, the #4 era ever), then China can change and grow!   This is great news for my plan to replace tea drinking with bourbon guzzling.

Now, the Tang is often considered to be the #1 dynasty of all time.  Close, but not quite.  How can we overlook the fact that the Tang was breifly usurped by the only female emperor in Chinese history?  Thanks to the so-called Empress Wu, the Tang has a black eye that cannot be covered up.  Good thing that I am a feminist, because I can come out and say what all Chinese men know, even us feminists: Women cannot rule All Under Heaven!   All Under My Pants, yes, but not All Under Heaven.



5 Responses to #4 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Tang

  1. James says:

    Let us not forget, that during this empire, a most brave man by the name of Xuanzang recovered a load of sutras from the western heaven. Possibly among those was the Kāma? A good time for freaky shit indeed.

  2. Yan Xishan says:

    Very true James. The Tang was a good time for the sexing of the ladies. Good work on your site, an enjoyable read. I will add it to the Blogroll when I am not so wasted.

  3. Not Puyi says:

    Thanks for the new entry, but damn! Tang at #4? That is my favorite dynasty, and not just because of Yang Guifei.

  4. Anonymous says:

    As a fellow into research of ISEAS or instiute of south east asain studies, you guys there should be reading the book on Tang thought which outlined how and why it is that the Tang era was te most poriflic and prosperous empire which bacame the precedential example in china’s history instead of your stuoid and outrageous comments.

    When Tang Tai Zhong consulted the Seer or necromancy LI Chung Feng, he was shken to his wits and so were the dominant clique of officaidom to their knees that a female ruler according to the oracle would emerged .
    The fear was very real and at the same time pyscohologcal for it reflected Tang thought in thsoe days meaning that becasue in Tang times, China was governed as a para military vassal sate with the might of the Tang empire extending into SEA , Korea , Central Asia , Sebira , modern Afgahan Turkey , Malaysia and Java . This was the link or a gigantic mega commercail causeway in which Tang China linked itself to its Neighboruing regions of the middle east to Rome and to the Malay archepalogo . This is becasue the Tang imperial linage were Chinsese turkish tobans and they kept their middle eastern ancestry by trade . It was made solely possible by Tang Tai Zhong’s conquest of the Tanguts or the Gorturks and SEibei or the Ili river nomads in sibeiria and Fargahna or today’s soviet Russia . This is a very important fact of Tang history as China today since the Bolshevik influences still maintians idealogolical links by trade with the soviet russia though it is currently a socialist republic . It also has great repurcuiosn in terms of its mercfantile and cultural exchanges with its Central asain and SEA neighours, the first of its ASEAN dipolmatic and commercail multilateral connections of today .
    So with such a vast poliitcal -socio economic colossol empire being run by the dominant might and muscle of the turkic sino nobles, it is no wonder that they simply could not toleratet he thought of a female ruler coming into power and undo what has been accomplished within 3 generations of its reign starting with the Turkish Chinese toban noble relbeelion army rebellion over throwing the decadant Sui to be repalced by Li Yen who established the this colossol prowress of Tang .
    On the civil side, Tang China under Chang An was a very complex mulit-cultural and racial religious purlaistist cosmopolitan city with its ethnic flavours drawn from the Turkish arab merchants, Uzbek and other minoirity group dancers , arcobats and entertainers, streams of Budddhist monks from India , Mamnicheanism from Persia , Islam idelaogy , its intricate art and patterns and its antiquities from Araba and the middle east and Roman catholicism from Rome even the Roman suplice was transplanted as saffrom robes saris for Buddhist and Daosit monks .
    So the real queation of today is why it is that China cannot simulte the same tolerant idealogoical and poliitcal socio-economic patttern of tis once Glorious past.

  5. Yan Xishan says:

    How enlightening.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: