Note: I normally address my “blog” speeches to you, fine reader, but today I must speak directly to the great provider of funding, the US government. Don’t worry, I will holla at y’all real soon.
Hey America! Yeah, that’s right Uncle Sam, I am aiming this “blog” straight at your Schlitz and SPAM loving noggin. It’s me, Yan Xishan, the Model Governor, the Tomcat of Taiyuan, and the next president of China. You remember me, I am your best hope to fight off those filthy sickos of the Japanese empire. You know that I handle my “bizness” here in Shanxi and have more than a few hands in your pockets, thanks to my homies in the China Lobby. Did you really think I would not hear about this sweet new source of funding? Shit, I know more about US loans than Deng Xiaoping knows about lajiao and explosive diarrhea.
I refer, of course, to this late breaking announcement that the US will float 2.6 million to China, with the express purpose of training our fine sex workers, our proud prostitutes, our ladies of questionable virtue, how to properly drink booze. Check this, from the always reliable internet media:
The federal government is spending $2.6 million to make sure prostitutes in China drink less on the job.
That’s the goal of a five-year study, bankrolled by the National Institutes of Health . . .
Now I was a bit concerned with the whole “drink less” thing, until I realized that you meant drink less than their customers. Not a problem, my American friends.
But where is my share of the funds? It turns out the cash will flow to Guangxi, where the government has some buddies. Yan Xishan, shunned once more! But besides this personal attack on my character by not giving me more money, this is a true insult to the proud sex workers of Shanxi:
Note: Not an accurate depiction of Shanxi sex workers
How is it that those Guangxi ladies get to be boozed up on Uncle Sam’s dime, while Shanxi sex workers must hope that their customers (loyal as they may be) pony up for a fenjiu, vinegar, and soymilk cocktail? Does it not make sense to have our American friends ensure that they are drunk before we take them home? Plus, as you may know I am good friends with some of Shanxi’s coal bosses, and some of these dudes are pretty gross, what with hygiene not being much of a priority down at the coal mine. I am pretty sure the ladies would like to be totally hammered before having to let these upstanding citizens of New China grope them.
So America, I am “blogging” at you! Pay up, and make it soon, my birthday party is coming up and some funding for sex worker drinks would free up more money for some guns (for firing into the air only, BTW).