Patriotic Masturbation

November 27, 2009

Dearest Readers:

My deepest apologies for not updating my “blog” sooner, but I had been away from Taiyuan, which, I am proud to say, is quite lovely this time of year.  Just this morning I was lounging on my extra large kang, watching a private performance from one of my favorite local opera stars (a lovely lass, but only when in full make-up, a long story indeed), looking out into the frigid city, which was choked with coal smoke, and I exclaimed how happy I was to be back in Shanxi.

You see, I have just returned from a super top-secret meeting in Chongqing with my fellow KMT leaders, deciding on how to best pretend to resist Japan while secretly crushing the Red Menace.  I cannot tell you the details of the plan, but it involves this odd creation I learned from your internets, some sort of food that is passed off as Chinese food and has the odd moniker “Orange Chicken.”  Perhaps you have heard of it?  We certainly do not have it in China, but I plan to have my chefs perfect this dish and introduce it into CCP territory, starting with the Jin-Cha-Ji base area.  After eating this crap, it is just a matter of time before Mao and his wife sharing peasant hordes drop dead from malnutrition. Surely this is the most brilliant military plan ever hatched over hotpot!

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Oh, the Cantonese…

November 16, 2009

What sick shit will they think of next?  Hot pot, but replacing the broth with boiling elephant placenta?  Nothing those sick southern fucks might do could surprise me.

Way to go, Guangdongren.  Thanks to you, here is what the internet thinks of us Chinese folks:

Let’s just get this straight.  Up here in Shanxi, yes we do eat donkey, dipped in our famous and most delicious Shanxi vinegar (I have three bottles within reach right now).  But we do not go for this sick shit.  Southerners, you are on notice–you best get your culinary act in order, or–and I know this must sound crazy–but stop putting this shit online!  Otherwise you can get ready for a full on JPA invasion.  You will get your ass kicked Chen Jiongming style.

Yan out