My deepest apologies for not updating my “blog” sooner, but I had been away from Taiyuan, which, I am proud to say, is quite lovely this time of year. Just this morning I was lounging on my extra large kang, watching a private performance from one of my favorite local opera stars (a lovely lass, but only when in full make-up, a long story indeed), looking out into the frigid city, which was choked with coal smoke, and I exclaimed how happy I was to be back in Shanxi.
You see, I have just returned from a super top-secret meeting in Chongqing with my fellow KMT leaders, deciding on how to best pretend to resist Japan while secretly crushing the Red Menace. I cannot tell you the details of the plan, but it involves this odd creation I learned from your internets, some sort of food that is passed off as Chinese food and has the odd moniker “Orange Chicken.” Perhaps you have heard of it? We certainly do not have it in China, but I plan to have my chefs perfect this dish and introduce it into CCP territory, starting with the Jin-Cha-Ji base area. After eating this crap, it is just a matter of time before Mao and his wife sharing peasant hordes drop dead from malnutrition. Surely this is the most brilliant military plan ever hatched over hotpot!
But I digress. While in Chongqing, I had some time to catch up with the “Generalissimo,” Mr. Jiang Jieshi (you might know him as Chang Kai-shek) himself. Now, my devoted readers will know that we have a very rocky relationship–after all, it is myself, the Model Governor, that should be the leader of China, a fact that the Generalissimo must surely be aware of. Ever since Time Magazine published this bad boy, he no doubts realizes that his time at the top is running out:
But even though we are not on the best of terms, we do have some fond memories, especially of our days back in Japan, before those little bastards became Public Enemy #2. As you might imagine, I was pretty crazy back then. But do you know who was my constant companion at the Geisha house? That is right, the General-fucking-issimo! Now days he is married to that uptight Christian and spends his time practicing breathing, but back then he, like me, had a love of high priced prostitutes. If you don’t believe me, you can ask He Yingqin, that sick bastard can attest to all of this.
On my way back, I was thinking about our conversation concerning some of our favorite Japanese working girls, and how hilarious it was that the leaders of the Chinese Nationalist Party had spent so much of our formative years making sweet love to ladies of a nation with which we are now at war. But then I realized, this is hardly rare. As we all know, the youth of China, particularly our young men, are proudly nationalistic and spend much of their days loudly denouncing the xiao ribenr, often proclaiming their desire to take the war to Japan and eliminate the hated Japanese. All true. But when these angry youth (we call them fenqing) are not denouncing Japan, spend their time furiously masturbating to Japanese porn. When you stop to think about it, this phenomenon is quite interesting. Now, there are hundreds of millions of Chinese men who hate Japan. Right now, how many of them are intently staring at Japanese women getting banged by Japanese men, all the while jerking off and hoping their roommates/mothers/wives/ayis do not get back home early? If I told you that right now, as you read this, there are 88,000 Chinese dudes engaging in self-pleasure while viewing images of Japanese people, whom they hate, having sex, would you not say that this number is far too low?
Now, I hope you would agree that furiously and angrily whacking off to Japanese porn is not a good thing for the youth of China. But what to do? First, I suggest you follow the example set by the Generalissimo and myself, starting by understanding that there are things out there worse than Japan. I refer, of course, to the Chinese Communist Party. By the way, could you imagine Commie Porn? Do you think anyone would get their self-love on to this:
Now, once you understand that Japan is not the biggest problem facing China, you can continue to follow your KMT leaders by having actual sex with Japanese women. Not exclusively, mind you, but every once in a while. For the sake of argument, let’s say that you cannot have sex with actual Japanese people, what to do? Yes, you can continue to beat off to Japanese porn, but do so in moderation and without hatred in your fist. Remember, you hold the future of our nation in that hand. And mix in non-Japanese porn. Yes, I know Western women are large and scary, but you will get used to this, and as usual there is something to learn from the barbarians. Some of you no doubt will recall my use of the zang sancheze a few years back in Beiping. Needless to say, that is not one of our countless Chinese inventions. As for Chinese porn, yes I know, much like our robotics division, we lag far behind Japan. Some have deemed our porn pathetic, and I must admit this is not far from the truth. But to the fenqing, I appeal to your nationalism: Without your support, our porn industries will never match that of the Japanese. So unless you hate your country, the next time your mom goes to calligraphy class and leaves you all alone, make it a patriotic self-pleasuring. But please, not to Ding Ling, as that is just gross.