Greetings Peoples of the Internets:
Recently I have been chatting with my old rival and drinking buddy, Zhang Xueliang. Of course, we have to have these “chats” via telegram, as that old mouth breather Jiang Jieshi has kept the Young Marshall under house arrest ever since the so-called “Xi’an Incident.” But he has to be released pretty soon, I mean how long can the Generalissimo hold a grudge? Anyway, Xueliang was telegraphing (is this what kids mean by texting?) how he just cannot wait to get out and get back to his homeland up in the Northeast. I had to stop him right there. Who the hell wants to go to Dongbei? Motherfuckers been wanting to get up out of there for centuries!
Seeing how ignorance was everywhere, I knew that it was time for the introduction of the #3 most impressive dynasty of all time, the glorious Qing. As all but the most moronic know, the Qing dynasty was founded by the Manchus, bunch of gross barbarians who were able to parlay their excellence in horseback riding and archery into the temporary dominance over the great Han Chinese race. Crazy, right? But truth be told the Chinese empire has long been troubled by the dirty and unwashed barbarian hordes to the north. Ever since the Xiongnu delighted to our fine silks and princesses, it has been one long struggle to remind the barbarian that yes, you can ride horses better than we can, but no, you are still a damn barbarian so keep out.
Even more humiliating, the whole “Manchu” thing was a joke! Nurhaci, the barbarian who started all of this, just made it all up. He was a Jurchen, which is one particular barbarian tribe, and he got together with a bunch of other barbarians, and said “Hey, were like different kinds of barbarians, which is weak cause those Han Chinese are so super awesome, so let’s be a new type of barbarian, and we can say that we are super awesome too.” Amazingly, this plan worked. Still, the whole takeover was dumb luck. If it was not for that damn dirty peasant Li Zicheng getting tired of fucking other peasants and taking Wu Sangui’s lover for his own, Wu Sangui never gets all jealous and lets the barbarians through the gates of the Great Wall. Oh, Li Zicheng. If you only could have kept your hands off just one of the women in China, none of us would have had to ever have this dumb ass queue haircut:
Not a good look for us. And not only did these barbarians take over China, they then proceeded to get their collective asses handed to them by an even worse barbarian tribe, one that did not reek of horse poo (like the “Manchus”) but of limes and BO-caked body hair. I refer, of course, to the British. And as for the diminutive Japanese barbarians currently wrecking havoc in China, once again the “Manchus” are to blame.
So, you are probably wondering, what is this barbarian dynasty doing so high up on the list of the greatest dynasties of all time? Well, take a look:
Oh, that’s big. I am actually getting a little turned on just looking at the size of this thing! Yes, you see that while the Manchus were dirty, stinking, horse-loving barbarians, they did know how to expand the empire. Mongol independence? Crushed. Tibetan independence? Crushed. Xinjiang independence? Crushed. All those tribes down in the Southwest? Crushed. Just think–if the Qianlong emperor had been distracted by all the sex he was having with young Manchu bannermen, our great empire would be even larger! As it is, the Qing became the largest off all our dynasties, and if you tell me that size does not matter, you are probably Japanese.
It is true that with the Japanese invasion, we have lost much of the empire. But when I reunify the nation under my benevolent rule, you can bet your ass that I will make sure that Manchuria, Tibet, Mongolia, and all these other “independent” nations come under my benevolent heel. I am sure some of you might think it hypocritical. After all, I and my Tongmenghui homeboys overthrew the Manchus because they were not Chinese, yet now we want them to be under our control! One day we are proclaiming them barbarian outsiders, and the next day insisting that they remain inside our big happy Chinese family. And I will explain how this is actually not outright hypocrisy, but it will take me some time to think of a bullshit excuse. Damn, I probably should have thought this thing out ahead of time.