Have you heard the news? It is the talk of the Shanxi interwebs: an American barbarian, famous for playing the game of “basketball” has come to our not-so-humble province, promising to labor and bring us glory! I myself am a bit confused about all of this. Seriously, there is a war going on, as I am sure you are all aware of. Who has time for this game of throw-ball-in-basket when motherfuckers need killing? But then again, as my regular readers know, I have my distractions, so who am I to deny my Shanxi peasants and coal workers a moment of pleasure? Well, I am the master of my domain, so I suppose I could, but I have always held that a five minute break makes those 18 hour coal mining shifts just fly by.
The barbarian in question is named “Stephon Marbury” but here in Shanxi he has taken the name “Lone Wolf,” immediately violating one of my rules in choosing a Chinese name.
I also hear he makes shoes, which is odd because he is not a 10 year old Chinese girl, but perhaps I have my facts wrong on that one. Perhaps he will play his basketball during the day, and make shoes as a sideline production at night? He will probably quickly learn that sideline production is really an essential part of the Shanxi economy. But I digress. I think most of my readers are wondering, will this barbarian succeed in China? An excellent question. Let’s break it down, starting with a look at the barbarian in question:
As we can see from this photo of the “Lone Wolf,” he seems to be slightly, shall we say, reality challenged. As such, he really must be considered as a prime candidate for working in China. You see, we Chinese are used to the Chinese way of life, but most barbarians are quickly driven crazy. It is best to first be crazy, and then come to China. Cuts out that at times painful step of losing one’s sanity.
In joining our Shanxi community, the “Lone Wolf” is actually joining a long and glorious tradition of barbarians serving the great Chinese empires. Often we have bought off the Inner Asian barbarian hordes with silks and princesses, but even Westerners have often admitted that there is nothing better than kowtowing and finding employment in our empire. Just think of Charles “Chinese” Gordon:
He served the Qing dynasty, and even dressed up like a fool for their enjoyment. How long until the “Lone Wolf” dresses up in similar garb?
I suppose there are two big questions that remain to be answered. The first is if the “Lone Wolf” will, like so many dirty stinking barbarians before him, become “sinicized” and lose his original identity. Will he take up the Chinese language? Will he study the classics? Will he date a spoiled Chinese girl and carry her purse as they shop in Taiyuan’s finest knock-off emporiums? Or will he open his own coal mine and buy his own man purse?
The other question: Will he succeed on the court? Here I make no prediction, except to say that we welcome his efforts to create the conditions that will allow the Chinese to eventually dominate this sport, which by the way I am sure we invented. I do know this: If he does fail at basketball, we always need some help in our shoe factories.
UPDATE: I just heard that the “Lone Wolf” has demanded a whooping 2 million to stay in China. Evidently he thinks Shanxi is cold! Geez, someone needs to tell this guy how we locals stay warm: drink some baijiu, burn some coal, and cuddle up with multiple sex workers/concubines.