Q: Are you really Yan Xishan?
Q: Really, is that your photo?
A: Of course it is my photo.
Q: Wait, aren’t you dead?
A: Maybe in your time, but I am blogging at you from 1941.
Q: If you are in 1941, how can you be online?
A: Via a Shanxi supercomputer. It is too complex to explain to you n00bs, but the creation of this computer involved an abacus and a vat of Shanxi’s famous vinegar. Jiang Jieshi is totally jealous, especially since I have been Photoshopping dirty pictures of his wife and posting them online.
Q: Did you really earn all those medals?
A: Hell yeah! I am the veteran of several wars, and along the way I have picked up lots of sweet medals. I gots more bling than one of those rap dudes.
Q: Can I join the Juicy Pants Army?
A: Sure, check out how here.
Q: You have been accused of being “soft” on the Japanese invaders. What gives?
A: Strategy my friend. You really should read Sunzi. I am lulling them into complacency, and soon the JPA will wipe them out.
Q: Thanks Yan Xishan, but can you be more specific? How is the war actually going?
A: Thanks for you concern. As for the war, I will admit things could be better. Jiang Jieshi is a fool of a leader, and what I hear via the GMD grapevine, he cannot even satisfy his own wife. The Japs are relentless. Luckily they are helpless against Juicy Pants. I tell you, if I did not know better I would say those Japs are all perverts. The CCP? Don’t get me started on those wife sharing SOBs. But Shanxi will continue to stay under my power for the time being–the Juicy Pants Army will ensure that. It is just a matter of time before the US comes and bails us out. I’ll be waiting.
Q: The profile on your MySpace page says you are a “swinger.” What’s up with that?
A: That “modern” website did not have a category that could describe my exact situation, and so I choose “swinger” as a compromise. I have several wives (that is the fashion for powerful men such as myself) and I share an “open” relationship with them. I am open to have more wives, they are open to weave their little hearts out.
Q: Why did you stop updating your MySpace page?
A: I got tired of turning town friend requests from teenage girls from Alabama (and from Jiang Jingguo as well—that punk kid needs to get off my lawn).
Q: Wow, I just spent all afternoon reading your blog. You have changed my life, and for me to wander off into another corner of the internets without thanking you seems cowardly. How can I thank you for giving my life meaning, at least for a few hours?
A: Words of praise and thanks can always be sent to YanXishan (at) gmail dot com. In the meantime, feel free to remind others of my greatness in the comments section below.