JPA Recruit of the Month: Chen Yi

January 25, 2009

Hola fellow travellers of the “Net”:

How time flies these days!  Sometimes I fear I have just too much on my plate: fighting the Commies, suppressing the local press, ignoring Jiang Jieshi’s pleas for help, not to mention the everyday problems that pop up in running my beautiful Shanxi!  It is a wonder I have any “me time” at all, but I do what I can.  After all, the young ladies of Taiyuan are not going to sexually harass themselves.

But time certainly has flown, and I just realized that I have fallen behind in my JPA recruitment quotas.  As my loyal readers know, I have made a commitment to bring the best and brightest into military service.  Thus last month I drafted Wendy Deng, to serve alongside our first recruit Xiao Yun.  This month’s choice was a no brainer, as I went with a young woman who is truly sympatico with me in terms of her views on foreign relations.  Chen Yi, report for duty!


Some of you might know Chen Yi as Rola Chen, famous for being a “Super Girl.”  If you do, for shame!  There is no reason to know anything about this girl except that she enjoys lying around in her swimsuit with Chinese and Japanese flags to keep her ass from sticking to what appears to be a couch made of fine leather.  Now, I do not care if this girl can sing, or if she has any real talents at all.  All I need is a new ambassador to the Japanese here in North China.  My last envoy, believe it or not, puked on General Miyashiro after a long night of sake bombs and uni.  So much face was lost!!!

Luckily, we all know that the xiao ribenr is a horny, dirty, and perverted beast.  Until now I had no way to really capitalize on this fact, excepting my highly successful “Panties for Guns” program.  For while the fine ladies of Shanxi were willing to provide me with used undergarments to help defend the realm (I also provided them with noodle coupons), they always drew the line with crossing enemy lines.  Chen Yi, however, is the kind of solider that is willing to compromise herself for the greater good.  Congratulations on being inducted to the JPA, Chen Yi–I see great things in your future.  Oh, be sure to bring lots of panties.  Something tells me that you are going to need them!


Yan Xishan Concedes Defeat

December 7, 2008

My Dear Readers:

Today you will witness a rare occasion.  Due to an unfavorable battlefield, the internet’s most kick-ass Chinese warlord is forced to concede defeat.  Do not worry, gentle reader, I have not lost Shanxi.  In fact, we recently liberated three villages from the Commies, and also obtained a new payoff from GMD central.  No, this lack of victory is not taking place on the ground here in China, but in the world of internet tubes that connect us across time and space.

You see, about two weeks ago I prepared to enter the annual Chinalyst blog of year competition.  Going in, I felt strongly that this would be my year.  First, as you yourself know, this blog is a truly a place of wonder, where visitors learn about philosophy, history, military strategy, mongering, drinking, and perhaps most importantly, gain insight into the mind of Yan Xishan.  Secondly, I would be entered in the “General Blog” category.  As the only blogger with military experience, I seemed to be a shoo-in.

Alas, my Shanxi supercomputer, which allows me to blog at you from 1941, has had problems interfacing with the Chynalist webpage.  I am unable to edit my entry, which is not displaying my blog entry correctly, nor is it “aggregating my feed” correctly.  BTW, what a wonderful language you have in the “cyber” world.  Later on I am going to get my 7th wife to “aggregate my feed”–let me assure you there will be no interface problems there.

Without the ability to get my entry working correctly, I have decided to bow out of the race with honor (that is, before I can my ass handed to me).  Always remember your Sunzi!

Now, if you are not the type to shy away from lost causes, you can still cast a vote for Yan Xishan here.  But I would like to suggest some other fine blogs to vote for.  As reported here, I will be repeating my endorsement of Beijing Boyce in his run for a second Personal Blog award.  Click here to support this drunken laowai.

More endorsements to follow.

Yan out.

JPA Recruit of the Month: Wendi Deng

December 4, 2008

Faithful Readers:

As usual, I am blogging to you from my Taiyuan stronghold, surrounded by empty bottles of fenjiu and confused peasant girls.  Last night got out of hand, I must admit rather sheepishly.  Last night, in a drunken fit, I drunkenly barged into my 2nd wife’s room and demanded her services for the hour.  I know, I know.  Even if you forget about all of the young peasant girls and sex workers, I have nine wives, which means there are 8 wives younger than number 2!  Geez, she is nearly 40!  What was I thinking?

That question has haunted me all morning.  But I think I now realize that middle aged women do have their charms.  After all, they do have experience on their side.  Plus, they have to compete with the new models, so they can be rather cunning.  With that in mind, I have decided to create openings for in the JPA for women above the age of 30.  In the past, when a JPA solider reached that age, she was transferred into a less prestigious unit (aka traded to the Japanese for weapons).  Now, however, mature women with talent will be considered for positions of responsibility.

As all my current soldiers are well under 30, I have decided to draft my first mature JPA solider.  By this decree, Wendi Deng, report to Shanxi for assignment!

Now, most you probably do not know Wendi Deng, but that is only because you have never had anything that she wanted.  If, in the past, you had something she wanted, you would now know know her as “that bitch Wendi Deng that took my shit.”  Ms. Deng, in my esteemed opinion, is just the kind of immoral, conniving, backstabbing mature woman that can serve the JPA.  As a brief background, she was born Deng Wenge, but later changed her Chinese name to Deng Wendi.  For some reason, she thought the first name “Cultural Revolution” was a bad one.  I am not sure, it has a catchy ring to it.  In any case, she befriended an American couple, persuaded them to bring her to the US to study, then seduced the man, causing him to divorce his wife and marry her!  Then (and it only gets better) she divorced him, stayed in the US, and went to Yale.  Now she is married to some wealthy geezer named Rupert Murdoch.  Once again, he had been married, but not for long once he met Wendi.  I never heard of this Rupert guy, but evidently he is super rich from newspapers (long time readers know I feel about the press–kill ’em all).  Take a look at the happy couple:


Wow.  She must have nerves of steel to bed that dude.  I can only hope that the thought of the billions she will inherit once he kicks the bucket makes the task easier.  In any case, her ability to infiltrate the hearts of unsuspecting married white men makes her a valuable military commodity.

How will I deploy my newest JPA toy?  Not sure yet.  Her powers seem limited to Western men, who are much more forgiving of Asian women who grow old.  Stalin?  Might work.  Churchill?  Shit, just imagine if Wendi showed up in his bedroom with a dry gin martini and a three cigars.  FDR?  He certainly is sex starved, but that Eleanore would be a fierce challenge for Wendi.  Catfight, anyone?


How to Succeed in China

June 22, 2008

Friends, Followers, and Fanboys:

This past few weeks some of you have been writing me for advice–and why not?  If you need to turn to someone, it makes sense to make it the Model Governor myself, and I am used to many of you seeking me out to help you with your various problems, even if it means taking time out of my daily routine of boozing, whoring, and finding new ways to infuriate the various Song sisters.  So I am thus putting aside my current project–getting Song Ailing to invest big bucks in the “Taiyuan Lake Housing Development Project”–to address a concern of many of my readers.  Namely, how does one succeed in today’s China?

This is a serious question, especially given all the turmoil in today’s China.  Armed conflicts, ideological disputes, natural disasters, and totalitarian leaders; the path to the top is rocky indeed.  That was true for me, and it is still true for you young bucks fighting for your first Mexican silver dollar.  Thus I present to you, the patented Yan Xishan three step process to succeed in today’s China:

1.  Let someone else do the hard work.

2.  Steal everything you can from them.

3. Profit!!!

This my friends is the Chinese way of career success.  It was true for Jiang Jieshi, who watched Sun Zhongshan and the Comintern build up the KMT, then took that shit over once Sun died, leaving him in charge of the Northern Expedition.  And this is not just a strategy for world leaders (hey, if FDR is going to pretend Jiang Jieshi is a Great Leader, I can too!).  As my gemen’r Boyce noted a while back, it works for the owners of booze-holes in Beiping.  And it just happened again in that fine city, with the creators of the magazine “that’s Beiping” being forced out by their publisher, who will now publish their own version of “that’s,” profiting on all the work done by the folks they just screwed over.

So what do we learn from all of this?  First, never start anything by yourself.  It is a lot of hard work!  Perhaps the stress might kill you–look what happened to that old fool Sun Zhongshan.  You might spend all of your time getting girls drunk and ready for their foreign hookups, like the bartenders at the former Shooters.  Hell, you might spend all of your time policing an increasingly mindless online forum.

No, instead of doing the hard work, might I instead suggest taking an secondary, behind the scenes role?  And thus just wait until you can steal everything, claim it as your own, and coast your way to the top?  Listen kids, it is your choice, just don’t say I never warned you.


PS: To get a feel of the old Shooters, look here.  Just be ready to feel really dirty.  Here is a preview of what awaits, complete with a future JPA buck private:

#8 Most Impressive Dyansty: the Yuan

December 12, 2007

Loyal Readers:

I got a letter from Jiang Jieshi the other day. I opened it, and read it, it said he was a sucka. True story, thought you should know.

Last week I was giving the latest installment in my 10-part lecture series on the greatest dynasties of all time to the JPA when I had a strange thought. Now normally I keep my thoughts to myself–did not the great Han Feizi warn us that the ruler must be mysterious and unknowable?–but I like you, so I think I can let you in this one time.

Well, but first I have to tell you about the lecture, which is the whole point of this blog post, so here it goes. The lecture concerned the #8 Most Impressive Chinese Dynasty, the Yuan. Now I know what you are thinking (you see, unlike me, you are not so mysterious). You are wondering how I could consider the Yuan to be a great dynasty, when not only was it a short lived dynasty, but a foreign dynasty as well! And not just a foreign dynasty, but a dynasty created and ruled by the the most dirty and dastardly of the barbarians, the Mongols!

Of course these are all fine complaints. What good is supreme power if you cannot hold onto it long enough to make at least 10 generations of peasants truly miserable? And yes, Mongols are Mongols. I mean, sure I enjoy the dirty and dastardly company of certain shapely members of the “Golden Horde” but those are merely professional relations. I certainly would never let them place me third on a social stratification scheme, nestled between random foreigners and rice munching southerners.

That said, look at this beautiful map:

mongols map

Oh my, ain’t she a beaut? And this is why, even though the dynasty was as short-lived as a bottle of fenjiu in my liquor cabinet, we must give proper respect to the Yuan. They knew how to conquer. If it wasn’t for some dumb luck, they would have finished off Europe as well. I am actually glad that they never got around to that… I imagine this will be my legacy, and it would be rather tainted if some yurt-dwelling fool beat me too it.

A few things we can learn from the Yuan. First, killing people is good. Killing lots of people is even better. Why? Because after you kill lots of people, other people will be afraid of you and give you shit, like their homeland to rule. How sweet is that? Second, if you cannot defeat an enemy, get some of the enemy to join you so you can kill the rest of their people. Which leads me to number three, people are stupid. I mean, come on Song China! Which one of you douchebags said “Hmmm, the Mongols can never defeat us without a navy. Well, I better see about getting them a navy!”

The Mongols also showed us the wisdom in hiring laowai to do shit for us. They hired a bunch of laowai, except then they were called semuren. I got some laowai working for me. No, not just the working girls, I got a truckload of American military advisers. Does not seem fair, they got Marco Polo, I get General Bragg and his “fight Japan” bullshit.

Well, back to the strange thought I had. During my lecture, I was talking about how the Mongols, being idiots, originally wanted to convert all of north China into pastures for their horses. Luckily they were talked out of it by an intelligent (which is to say non-Mongol) official. This plan would have called for the extermination of all the residents of north China–my people would have been wiped out, my beautiful Shanxi made to look like pony heaven–and Yan Xishan never would have existed. Funny how history works sometimes.

Well, guess what Mongolia? You missed your chance, cause I am alive and kicking! You best believe I will not shed a tear for your would-be grandchildren after I turn your grasslands into the world’s biggest poppy field.

Like I said, funny how history works sometimes.


Three Things I Learned from the Zhou Dynasty

September 17, 2007

Yan Xishan is a historical figure, it should come as no surprise that I pay attention to history. Here are three things I learned from the Zhou Dynasty, in particular the way they overthrew the Shang.

1. Have a plan. Most hippie slackers today can barely tell you what they will be doing next week.  Hell, the next day.  But the Zhou had a plan, a long term plan at that.  We are talking multi-generational shit here!  My boy Tai develops the plan, has the whole clan get up and migrate to the center of the Shang empire.

2. If you are going to overthrow a dynasty, have a suitable name.  King Wu–the “martial king.”  You think the Shang would have seen that coming.

3. After overthrowing a dynasty, come up with a ridiculous new cosmological order to justify your act of treachery.  AKA the “Mandate of Heaven.”

As for that last one… I wish I had thought of that before I helped bring down the Qing.  I just kind of got stuck with this “modernization” rationale.  I don’t know, if I had time to think of something, I might have gone with “Buddha sent me to rule the world.”


Taiyuan is Mine! Mine Mine Mine!!!

August 18, 2007

Loyal Readers:

Today was a glorious day.  Escorted by the remaining core of the JPA, I marched on Taiyuan this morning.  We were prepared to go out fighting against the Commie hordes–we were the true Do or Die Corps!

As we approached the city walls, imagine our surprise to find them unguarded!   The Pink Menace had abandoned Taiyuan and all of Shanxi without a fight!  No doubt they had heard of my military genius and decided to scamper.

Enough blogging.  Time to get loaded.  Tomorrow is a big day–searching for collaborators.  Time to grease up the hay chopper!


Top Ten Chinese Thinkers #5: Laozi

May 21, 2007

As we move into the top half of the countdown, we meet a truly great figure. But as great as he is, he is totally misunderstood. Once again, I can relate. Sometimes I just so sick of everyone–journalists, historians, Commies–calling me a “warlord.” Sure, I rely on military power to control my territory. But is that what really defines me? Did you know I also enjoy working on scrapbooks? It is true, but you won’t see Fairbank describing me as a “Scrapbooker” even though it is just as valid of a description as me as a “warlord.” But I digress. Here he is, #5:


Laozi, aka Lao Tzu

Now my boy Laozi is misunderstood because everyone thinks he was some kind of mystical hippie. This view was promoted first by Confucians, then by hippie burnouts. I cannot think of any other historical crime committed by the evil duo that is Mengzi and Alan Watts.

In actuality, Laozi was concerned with restoring the social order–just as I am focused on restoring order in Shanxi and eventually bringing all of China under my benevolent rule. Laozi also saw the folly of making ethical decisions, as morality was an illusion. Whenever I am about to execute Commie organizers or steal a young peasant wife to serve in my household only to sell her after she gets mysteriously knocked up, I just remember the words of Laozi and feel good about my personal life choices. Like, really good.

For all the good Laozi has done in justifying my murderous style of rule–and he has done even more than Sunzi–he has one big knock against him that keeps him from climbing even higher on the list. Turns out the story of his life–the whole riding off into the West on a blue ox–is fabricated. He probably never even existed, and I prefer my role models to be actual historical figures.

Top Ten Chinese Thinkers #6–Sunzi

May 19, 2007

Despite various threats received as a result of previous posts, the countdown continues.  Sorry MZD, but I will not publish an apology just so your wife will let you move back into your cave.

Number Six on my list of Top Ten Chinese Thinkers will probably surprise some of my readers.  Here he is, another product of the Warring States era:


Sunzi, aka Sun Tzu

That I include the great Sunzi on my list should not surprise anyone.  Author of Sunzi Bingfa, which somehow got the hippie translation of Sunzi’s Art of War, Sunzi was one of the first to really get philosophical on the proper method of killing large numbers of peasants.   As a ruthless warlord, I must admit that I could not have killed so many peasants without his sagacious wisdom.  Take this pearl of genius:

“For them to perceive the advantage of defeating the enemy, they must also have their rewards.”

Hence my insistence that my soldiers be aware of the drunken looting that follows victory.  But I mainly appreciate Sunzi for how he argues for not fighting unless the peasant army you want to destroy is totally helpless.  This has allowed myself (and all of my peers) to avoid war unless it is to our obvious and immediate benefit.  BTW I promise I will get around to fighting those Japanese invaders when the time is right.

Some of my readers, however, must be surprised that Sunzi is not higher on this list.  I know–to rank this great peasant murderer only slightly ahead of a man who lives in a cave with a hack actress–it is somewhat of an insult.  But I must find great fault with Sunzi for one tragic mistake.  He never made it clear that his methods were only to be used in killing peasants.  The result of this tragic mistake has been a flood of texts using his bingfa for the most bizarre ends.   By means of example, I once found my personal servant reading The Art of Germ War: Using Sunzi’s Philosophy to Clean Toilets.  What is next?  Using peasant killing philosophy to succeed in business?  Don’t make me laugh.