How to Drink Like a Warlord

January 17, 2010

Dearest Readers:

Recently, Beijing Boyce, the all-star blogger and friend to Shanxi’s most eligible warlord, published my list of the greatest bars of China’s erstwhile capital city.  You can read all about it right here.  Be sure to notice how kick-ass I look in my Time magazine cover.  In honor of this auspicious occasion, I thought I would provide a few tips so that you, my good readers, could learn to drink in true warlord fashion.  It ain’t easy, so get your yatou (you do have a servant girl, right?) to fetch a bottle and let’s get started!

Read the rest of this entry »


Yan Xishan Claims Victory

January 7, 2009

Dear and Loyal Readers:

As you are most certainly aware, I recently was forced to humble myself by conceding defeat in the Chinalyst “Blog of the Year” competition.  My retreat from the field of battle was entirely my own decision–I recognized that due to the lackluster HTML skills of the Chinalyst organizers, my entry was flawed from the get-go and would keep me from truly bringing the military might of Shanxi to the fight.  It would have been like going to war with Wu Peifu as your only ally–a bad idea indeed.  I would like to take this opportunity to say this to the Chinalyst people: For Shame!

While by bowing out of the competition kept me from dominating the vote, I was able to catapult Beijing Boyce to victory in the “Personal Blog” category through a timely endorsement.  Meanwhile, another “Friend of Yan” captured the overall title.  (Side note: Both of these bloggers used “Yes We Can” in thier victory annoucements.  It might be time for a new catch phrase boys.)

I would like to say that I never thought that I would play such a role in deciding the eventual victors, but I am not so humble.  After all, throughout the 20s it was my decisions that decided the power balance in North China, why should the world of internet tubes be any different?

But here is what did surprise me: After conceding defeat, you, my loyal fans, kept the good fight alive.  As such, while total victory was not achieved (or even asked for, as I had long ago dropped out of the race), this blog did kick some serious ass.  you can take a look at some of the losers who failed to match me here, but I can summarize most of these blogs for you: Hey, I am a laowai!  I live in China!!  OMG!!!!

One of those who failed to match my vote total deserves special attention: The Beijinger Blog.  I take no pleasure in this victory.  The old that’s Beijing forum was once an entertaining arena of exchange, but ever since my departure it has been on a steady decline.  Now it is a study in failure, and my easy victory over the Beijinger Blog–after I long ago conceded defeat mind you–does not look good for whatever Chinese woman is running the expat show in Beijing.

OK, back to work.  These peasants are not going to exploit themselves!


How to Succeed in China

June 22, 2008

Friends, Followers, and Fanboys:

This past few weeks some of you have been writing me for advice–and why not?  If you need to turn to someone, it makes sense to make it the Model Governor myself, and I am used to many of you seeking me out to help you with your various problems, even if it means taking time out of my daily routine of boozing, whoring, and finding new ways to infuriate the various Song sisters.  So I am thus putting aside my current project–getting Song Ailing to invest big bucks in the “Taiyuan Lake Housing Development Project”–to address a concern of many of my readers.  Namely, how does one succeed in today’s China?

This is a serious question, especially given all the turmoil in today’s China.  Armed conflicts, ideological disputes, natural disasters, and totalitarian leaders; the path to the top is rocky indeed.  That was true for me, and it is still true for you young bucks fighting for your first Mexican silver dollar.  Thus I present to you, the patented Yan Xishan three step process to succeed in today’s China:

1.  Let someone else do the hard work.

2.  Steal everything you can from them.

3. Profit!!!

This my friends is the Chinese way of career success.  It was true for Jiang Jieshi, who watched Sun Zhongshan and the Comintern build up the KMT, then took that shit over once Sun died, leaving him in charge of the Northern Expedition.  And this is not just a strategy for world leaders (hey, if FDR is going to pretend Jiang Jieshi is a Great Leader, I can too!).  As my gemen’r Boyce noted a while back, it works for the owners of booze-holes in Beiping.  And it just happened again in that fine city, with the creators of the magazine “that’s Beiping” being forced out by their publisher, who will now publish their own version of “that’s,” profiting on all the work done by the folks they just screwed over.

So what do we learn from all of this?  First, never start anything by yourself.  It is a lot of hard work!  Perhaps the stress might kill you–look what happened to that old fool Sun Zhongshan.  You might spend all of your time getting girls drunk and ready for their foreign hookups, like the bartenders at the former Shooters.  Hell, you might spend all of your time policing an increasingly mindless online forum.

No, instead of doing the hard work, might I instead suggest taking an secondary, behind the scenes role?  And thus just wait until you can steal everything, claim it as your own, and coast your way to the top?  Listen kids, it is your choice, just don’t say I never warned you.


PS: To get a feel of the old Shooters, look here.  Just be ready to feel really dirty.  Here is a preview of what awaits, complete with a future JPA buck private:

Sanlitun Sally and Marvin the Mohist

October 9, 2007

Loyal Readers:

Recently the Beiping celebrity behind sundaylovers asked for the help of the most wise of warlords, Yan Xishan. Here is the original query:

By the way, I’m always looking for neologisms pertaining to: soul patches, dreadlocks, white douchebags who have chinese character tatooed on their bodies, slutty xiaojies who hang out with aforementioned white douchebags, etc. Please advise.

As for soulpatches and dreadlocks, I am not of much help. Sometimes you cannot do any better than douchebag.

But slutty xiaojies? Back when I was more of a misogynist (last week, before I had to tone down the rhetoric in conjunction with a JPA recruiting drive), I referred to pretty much every woman that was not related to me a “hutong rat”–as in “Welcome to Shanxi, Mr. Ambassador, I have lined up some of our finest hutong rats for your pleasure!” You might think it is offensive, but you don’t see the Japanese imperial army threatening my borders anymore, do you?

Now that I am a kinder, gentler warlord, I have decided to treat women with more respect. You see, I am a gentleman. Or more to the point, I know how to act like a gentleman to get what I want. So for the time being, only those ladies who frequent the seedy parts of the Realm will be worthy of my scorn. And only a mild scorn at that. So, take for example, those poor misguided xiaojies who frequent Sanlitun in search of… who am I kidding, who the fuck knows what they are thinking.

Sanlitun Sally

Photo taken in Sanlitun Sleaze-pit d’jour

When I look at these confused girls, I cannot help but wonder… Don’t I know you ladies? You, on the left, you hooked up with that dude from Canada, right? Pink shirt–did we. . . Maybe it was your cousin? In the middle, with the busy hands, did that one drunk guy from Italy ever get you to go back to his place in Shunyi? That was you, or least I swear it was.

So many ladies on the prowl, with English names leftover from middle school, popping up here and there like a case of genital warts that just won’t go away… How about I just call you all Sally? Sanlitun Sally, there, that makes my life easier.

Laowai dudes with Chinese tattoos. Don’t get me started. Whoops too late.

Laowai tattoo

“Now I have proof I am cool!”

Now your average Sanlitun Sally is just a poor misguided girl. I feel bad, but for those stupid enough to get a character “tat,” sorry, your extreme stupidity precludes me from pity. What is so wrong with getting a Chinese tattoo, you might ask. Let me break it down like this. You know how everyone makes fun of the Chinese for their love affair with English words? The way a shirt is suddenly fashionable because it has an English phrase on it? Well, getting a Chinese tattoo is the exact same thing–except that whereas that fine Chinese citizen will take off their dumb-ass “Happy Day!” shirt when they get home, you just tattooed some random word on your skin. Great move.

You may think Chinese characters are so damn cool–many Chinese think the same about English words, but all both sides are doing is fetishizing the other. Luckily for my people, few of us have started tattooing English words on our bodies.

For your crime of forever marking yourself as a douche, I reward you with the name Marvin the Mohist. You see, back in the day, the Chinese imperial state tattooed criminals to punish them. Mozi was a innovate thinker who, according to legend, had been “inked” himself. Now that I know you are a follower, I can ask you what you think about his philosophy of jian’ai, or how you plan to use his policy of youwei to help revive the state. Wait, you don’t know what I am talking about? Oh shit, you mean Marvin the Mohist don’t know shit about China? Wow, never saw that coming.


The “that’s Beijing” Bump

October 1, 2007

As some of my loyalists know, I was once a regular contributer to the “that’s Beijing forum,” now known as “the beijinger.” If you have any interest in discussing the implications of white dudes having indiscriminate sex (aka “dating”) Chinese women, you should check it out their site. I still weigh in on important matters from time to time, for example setting the record straight on the correct way to describe lower back tattoos. As I recently explained to a misguided fool who used the term “whorestamp”:

Incorrect usage. Proper term is “tramp stamp” and only applies to lower back tattoos. While “whorestamp” is often used, it is what those in the biz would call a “needless variant”–all that is gained is increased misogyny, at the cost of losing the rhyming scheme of “tramp” and “stamp.”

This moniker is already considered passe and should be avoided. Unless you are writing an Adam Sandler movie or something like that.

Such times, when I feel compelled to enlighten the masses, are few and far between these days. Regardless, the people who run that’s Beijing saw fit to include my blog as one of their featured “links of the week” in their most recent email newsletter.  Here is what they said:

Everyone’s favorite warlord contributor to forum, Yan Xishan, now has his own blog where you too can join his Juicy Pants Army.

Impressed, I braced my blog for the massive influx of readers who surely click the “links of the week” that the newsletter overlords provide for them. And what was the “that’s Beijing bump”?

One click. Although to be fair, perhaps most of the readers of the newsletter were not smart enough to get around the Great Firewall of China.

Luckily for me, everyone doing web searches for “Ma Bufang,” “beijing whores,” or “national shame china” will be quickly directed to 1941’s most noteworthy warlord.

That would be me, FYI.

Remembering a Fallen Warlord–Feng Yuxiang

August 24, 2007

Loyal Readers,

Being back in Taiyuan is great–how I survived those long months of near captivity in the United States, not to mention my near disastrous campaigns out in the Tibetan highlands, I have no idea. I swear I may never leave my beloved Shanxi. My wives–at least those who were not pimped out to the peasant hordes–are keeping me loopy on fenjiu while my favorite qinqiang opera stars “perform” for me all night long. Damn it feels good to be a warlord.

But my good fortune has a tinge of sadness as I think of a former colleague who no longer shares the good warlord life. I speak of Feng Yuxiang.

As my more thoughtful readers might remember, I had suspected that my boy Yuxiang (no, not the fish sauce) might be in charge of Beiping, but I now know he is in charge of jack shit. You see, that pussy whipped cut-and-runner Jiang Jieshi is determined to keep Feng Yuxiang out of power. What a fall from grace… Feng and I were once within a battle or two of pushing Jiang Jieshi into an early retirement… who knows, maybe he could have gone to the US and learned how to use a fork. Jiang lucked out, and while I am still firmly in control of Shanxi, Feng does not have two Mexican silver dollars to rub together.

Now, Feng Yuxiang and I have had our differences. He has been at times known as the “Christian General” and the “Red General.” That tells you he is something of a moralist, and he loves to get on his high horse and tell people not to whore around, drink, or gamble. Fuck that! What is the point of being a warlord if I cannot get loaded with some whores and double the Shanxi treasury playing mahjong? As for the “Red General”–it is true that Feng spent way too much time in “mother Russia,” and since he was not banging Russian whores, you just have to think he is politically suspect.

But to be without an army, without a territory? Just too sad. Fuck, I am a bit depressed. Time to go do all the things that would make my former ally pray to his Western gods.


Who the hell is running this place?

June 17, 2007

Loyal Readers,

You ever feel like the whole world has gone crazy, except for you? Ever felt that you are the only point of sanity in a world gone mad, which makes you look like you are the crazy one? That is what I am going through. My quest to contact Beiping’s current ruling warlord is getting nowhere. People here just don’t seem to understand me–and I know it is not my Shanxi accent. They certainly know what I want when I am ordering up my kaoya or an Sunday afternoon handjob in the local barbershop. But once I ask about which warlord is currently ruling over Beiping, as well as how I can find him, everyone looks at me like I am crazy.

This is only the tip of the crazy iceberg here in Beiping. A few nights ago I traveled with one of my military counsels to a local watering hole frequented by foreigners. Not my style–I would much prefer to relax with a bottle of fenjiu while listening to a quick five-hour qinqiang opera. These crazy foreigners were wasted, dancing on the tables and taking pictures of themselves–you can probably find them on flickr. All the meanwhile, there is a war going on! They better hope the Commies don’t take Beiping, or there will be hell to pay. Maybe they can look at thier drunken photos while reforming themselves through labor.

The worst part is that I ended going to get some jiaozi with some of these fools. After we ordered our food, they demanded that their food be MSG free. Yeah, because after drinking 40 beers and sucking down two packs of cheap-ass counterfeit smokes, you certainly don’t want any MSG. That would kill you!

Anyway, once I get back in power things will change, let me assure you.