Merry Christmas from Hoth-like Shanxi

December 20, 2009

Dearest Readers:

It is the holiday season here in Taiyuan, which means a “temporary” truce with the hated Japs, bonus rations of vinegar for the troops, and a plenty of extra performances for my favorite qinqiang opera troop.  Tonight they are staging, at my request, a “mash-up” of The White-Haired Girl and A Christmas Carol.

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Hey America: What About the Sloshed Shanxi Sex Workers?

May 15, 2009

Note: I normally address my “blog” speeches to you, fine reader, but today I must speak directly to the great provider of funding, the US government.  Don’t worry, I will holla at y’all real soon.

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Hey America!  Yeah, that’s right Uncle Sam, I am aiming this “blog” straight at your Schlitz and SPAM loving noggin.  It’s me, Yan Xishan, the Model Governor, the Tomcat of Taiyuan, and the next president of China.  You remember me, I am your best hope to fight off those filthy sickos of the Japanese empire.  You know that I handle my “bizness” here in Shanxi and have more than a few hands in your pockets, thanks to my homies in the China Lobby.  Did you really think I would not hear about this sweet new source of funding?  Shit, I know more about US loans than Deng Xiaoping knows about lajiao and explosive diarrhea.

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Yan Xishan Claims Victory

January 7, 2009

Dear and Loyal Readers:

As you are most certainly aware, I recently was forced to humble myself by conceding defeat in the Chinalyst “Blog of the Year” competition.  My retreat from the field of battle was entirely my own decision–I recognized that due to the lackluster HTML skills of the Chinalyst organizers, my entry was flawed from the get-go and would keep me from truly bringing the military might of Shanxi to the fight.  It would have been like going to war with Wu Peifu as your only ally–a bad idea indeed.  I would like to take this opportunity to say this to the Chinalyst people: For Shame!

While by bowing out of the competition kept me from dominating the vote, I was able to catapult Beijing Boyce to victory in the “Personal Blog” category through a timely endorsement.  Meanwhile, another “Friend of Yan” captured the overall title.  (Side note: Both of these bloggers used “Yes We Can” in thier victory annoucements.  It might be time for a new catch phrase boys.)

I would like to say that I never thought that I would play such a role in deciding the eventual victors, but I am not so humble.  After all, throughout the 20s it was my decisions that decided the power balance in North China, why should the world of internet tubes be any different?

But here is what did surprise me: After conceding defeat, you, my loyal fans, kept the good fight alive.  As such, while total victory was not achieved (or even asked for, as I had long ago dropped out of the race), this blog did kick some serious ass.  you can take a look at some of the losers who failed to match me here, but I can summarize most of these blogs for you: Hey, I am a laowai!  I live in China!!  OMG!!!!

One of those who failed to match my vote total deserves special attention: The Beijinger Blog.  I take no pleasure in this victory.  The old that’s Beijing forum was once an entertaining arena of exchange, but ever since my departure it has been on a steady decline.  Now it is a study in failure, and my easy victory over the Beijinger Blog–after I long ago conceded defeat mind you–does not look good for whatever Chinese woman is running the expat show in Beijing.

OK, back to work.  These peasants are not going to exploit themselves!

YXS


Yan Xishan Concedes Defeat

December 7, 2008

My Dear Readers:

Today you will witness a rare occasion.  Due to an unfavorable battlefield, the internet’s most kick-ass Chinese warlord is forced to concede defeat.  Do not worry, gentle reader, I have not lost Shanxi.  In fact, we recently liberated three villages from the Commies, and also obtained a new payoff from GMD central.  No, this lack of victory is not taking place on the ground here in China, but in the world of internet tubes that connect us across time and space.

You see, about two weeks ago I prepared to enter the annual Chinalyst blog of year competition.  Going in, I felt strongly that this would be my year.  First, as you yourself know, this blog is a truly a place of wonder, where visitors learn about philosophy, history, military strategy, mongering, drinking, and perhaps most importantly, gain insight into the mind of Yan Xishan.  Secondly, I would be entered in the “General Blog” category.  As the only blogger with military experience, I seemed to be a shoo-in.

Alas, my Shanxi supercomputer, which allows me to blog at you from 1941, has had problems interfacing with the Chynalist webpage.  I am unable to edit my entry, which is not displaying my blog entry correctly, nor is it “aggregating my feed” correctly.  BTW, what a wonderful language you have in the “cyber” world.  Later on I am going to get my 7th wife to “aggregate my feed”–let me assure you there will be no interface problems there.

Without the ability to get my entry working correctly, I have decided to bow out of the race with honor (that is, before I can my ass handed to me).  Always remember your Sunzi!

Now, if you are not the type to shy away from lost causes, you can still cast a vote for Yan Xishan here.  But I would like to suggest some other fine blogs to vote for.  As reported here, I will be repeating my endorsement of Beijing Boyce in his run for a second Personal Blog award.  Click here to support this drunken laowai.

More endorsements to follow.

Yan out.


Searching for Yan Xishan

November 9, 2008

Gentle Readers:

Today I offer you a special treat—-a look inside your favorite blog.  While all of my readers are passionate and devoted followers, they did not all come to discover this most excellent blog in the same manner.  Indeed, my readers are a diverse bunch.  Take a look at the top search returns that led internet junkies to the Yan Xishan Blog.

1. Laozi

2. Han Feizi

3. Jiang Jieshi

4. Yan Xishan

5. Xunzi

6. Chinese Thinkers

7. Yuan Shikai

8. Mongolian Teenage Hookers

9. Mongolian Whores

10. Sunzi

11. Ming Dynasty

12. Beijing Whores

13. Juicy Pants

14. Dalai Lama

15. Xiao Yun

That is some list, and I must admit it surprises me a bit.  Laozi as the number one referring search term?  Jiang Jieshi listed above Yan Xishan?  What a joke!  That serves as a powerful reminder that we all need to do more work to get my name out.

Perhaps equally surprising, how about them whores?  Are more people looking for Mongolian whores than Beijing whores?  Or are people looking for Beijing whores turning to other internet authorities?  Because that would be a huge mistake on thier part.

Finally, the Dalai Lama in a juicy pants and Xiao Yun sandwich—-that is priceless.

YXS


Defending Shanxi

October 21, 2008

Dear Readers:

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to rest.  I mean, sure I take constant vacations, and even when I am on the clock I am usually passed out or on the way towards oblivion.  But even when I am holed up in my Taiyuan stronghold with one of my many wives or a collection of unfortunate peasant girls, I am always thinking about the greatest place on earth, my lovely Shanxi.

There are those who do not share my love of Shanxi, and as such they attack me, the JPA, and the good (read stupid) peasants that farm and pay taxes.  That is right, I am taking to you, the Chinese Communist Party.  Oh, and you too, Jiang Jieshi, don’t think I forgot how you tried to punk me in the 30s.

Recently, the anti-Shanxi voices in my head just seem to get louder and louder.  Take this example here, of a girl who has decided that she should marry a stinking laowai because “China does not have any men suitable” for her.  Now, normally I do not care about such silly statements.  As a warlord controlling vast resources, I have all the women I need, both foreign and domestic (BTW, same goes for my booze).  Plus I have met plenty of laowai men through my contacts with the US military, and so for any woman who would want to marry one of these half-baboon creatures, good luck.

But this woman crossed the line with this statement:

China definitely does not lack rich men, but have a look at what kind of people they are. How many of them succeeded due to their own effort, ability or honesty? If they are not brick-moving labour contractors, then they are coal-digging boss from Shanxi, or they are corrupt. They are neither civilised, nor do they have a good bearing. How am I supposed to converse with them? To be honest, they will regard it as art if you are able to hum a few lines of pop music.

Hold on there girl!  Why did you have to drag the good and honest coal-digging bosses of Shanxi into this mess?  Why, some of my closest friends are coal-digging bosses of Shanxi!  They are hard workers, who demand nothing but the best from their workers, even if that means creating dangerous working situations that result in multiple and preventable deaths.  Are we supposed to just give up on cheap and dirty coal power?  Ha!  You think power comes from the sky like rain or sunshine?

Moreover, we Shanxi men are men of culture.  Pop songs?  Please, you truly do not understand these great men, who delight in five-hour long operas, best viewed with a bottle of fenjiu in one hand and an underpaid and possibly diseased sex worker on your lap.

In the end, I am conflicted.  On one hand, women like this, so ignorant of Shanxi, should be shown the door and invited to leave China for whatever third-rate first world country will take them.  Might I suggest Canada?  On the other hand, that such anti-Shanxi sentiment is spreading is troubling to say the least.

Will it be my responsibility alone to restore the good name of Shanxi to the internet?

YXS


#5 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Han

August 23, 2008

Good Friends:

As my longtime readers may have noted, something has been wrong with the Yan Xishan Blog lately. Earthquakes, Tang dynasty magistrates, and dumbass laowai have been distracting me from my primary goal for the year. Well, I suppose my primary goals for 1941 should be wiping out the wife-sharing ideologues and convincing the 小日本儿’s to return the panties of our good Shanxi women and get the hell back to their little island chain. But beyond that, I have been attempting to educate my soldiers (and by extension the uneducated masses of the so-called “internet”) about the wonders of Chinese imperial history. I fear a future where people learn about our past from pasty-faced intellectuals who can never understand that killing peasants is not only essential in the state-building process, but fun as well! Why just last week… wait, I am getting off track again. You can see how this could happen so easily with a Great Man such as myself. Speaking of which, I am thinking that once the war is over, I will put my visage on every single monetary denomination. But for the fiver, I am thinking about this for the image: me, giving Zhou Enlai a noogie. Shit, I am getting off track again. I need to stop holding special 8:00 AM happy hours.

But this conception of myself as a Great Man is relevant to today’s topic. As I explained to my JPA troops in my most recent lecture, a truly great dynasty is defined by great men. And there were many great men in the #5 Most Impressive Chinese Dynasty, the Han. First, let’s take a look at the map:

Not bad. I have seen better, but compared to the Sui, that is nothing to sneeze at. Now, who were these great men of the Han? The first in my estimation is Liu Bang, the founder of the Han. He was of peasant origin, which is rather problematic in my estimation. As a social climber, I can dig his rise to power, but as someone who is currently the ruler of millions of peasants, I do not want them getting any big ideas. Liu Bang became the ruler of the realm by putting the beat down on the great general Xiang Yu. During the critical battle, he duped Xiang Yu into thinking that his own men had turned on him. Liu Bang did this by having his own men sing the songs of Chu, where Xiang Yu hailed from. Interesting, huh? I should note that I have some long term plans that require my JPA troops to learn Carmen Miranda songs. Just in case, you know.

My other favorite Great Man of the Han was Wudi, a later Han emperor. He was a man of action, and a great role model for powerful Chinese men everywhere. Here is a man who would never be seen holding a clutch purse. Instead, he expanded the Chinese state to the largest it ever had been, at least up to that point. What a stupendous feeling that must be… unfortunately for me to have that feeling, I think that after I unify China, I would need to then go ahead and annex Sibera. Besides being a conqueror, Wudi also knew how to get up in people’s faces. This was no distant Laozi-style ruler, but one that got right up in a peasant’s grill and said: Hey little buddy, instead of letting the market tell you how much grain costs, how about I just tell you instead?

Now, there are many other great men of the Han, espeically if we consider the warlords that emerged at the end of the period.  I am talking, of course, about men such as Cao Cao (holy shit Cao Cao just showed up at my Taiyuan palace).  But let me tell you, dear reader, no matter what radical revisionists such as Kenny Pomeranz might say, Wang Mang was no great man.  He was a punk usurper, plain and simple.  And anyone who mentions land reform, as he often did, was obviously a Commie Pinko.  I would have had him quickly introduced to my famous hay chopper.  If it was good enough for Liu Hulan…

Well, there you have it kids–a few great men of the great Han dynasty.  I am pretty sure there were some pretty groovy chicks during the Han–I hear there was this one chick Ban Zhao who could teach other chicks to be good wives, that sounds pretty cool.  Overall, what a fucking great dynasty.  But still not the greatest.  I mean, Wang Mang pretty much screwed up the second half of the thing, plus there was this whole Confucian emphasis that threatened to limit the power of the emperor.  Don’t worry folks, the best is yet to come.  Stay tuned for my future post on the #4 most impressive dynasty.

YXS