Hey Barbarians: Come Serve China!

Gentle Readers:

Have you heard the news?  It is the talk of the Shanxi interwebs: an American barbarian, famous for playing the game of “basketball” has come to our not-so-humble province, promising to labor and bring us glory!  I myself am a bit confused about all of this.  Seriously, there is a war going on, as I am sure you are all aware of.  Who has time for this game of throw-ball-in-basket when motherfuckers need killing?   But then again, as my regular readers know, I have my distractions, so who am I to deny my Shanxi peasants and coal workers a moment of pleasure?  Well, I am the master of my domain, so I suppose I could, but I have always held that a five minute break makes those 18 hour coal mining shifts just fly by.

The barbarian in question is named “Stephon Marbury” but here in Shanxi he has taken the name “Lone Wolf,” immediately violating one of my rules in choosing a Chinese name.

#3 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Qing

Greetings Peoples of the Internets:

Recently I have been chatting with my old rival and drinking buddy, Zhang Xueliang.  Of course, we have to have these “chats” via telegram, as that old mouth breather Jiang Jieshi has kept the Young Marshall under house arrest ever since the so-called “Xi’an Incident.”  But he has to be released pretty soon, I mean how long can the Generalissimo hold a grudge?  Anyway, Xueliang was telegraphing (is this what kids mean by texting?) how he just cannot wait to get out and get back to his homeland up in the Northeast.  I had to stop him right there.  Who the hell wants to go to Dongbei? Motherfuckers been wanting to get up out of there for centuries!

Seeing how ignorance was everywhere, I knew that it was time for the introduction of the #3 most impressive dynasty of all time, the glorious Qing.  As all but the most moronic know, the Qing dynasty was founded by the Manchus, bunch of gross barbarians who were able to parlay their excellence in horseback riding and archery into the temporary dominance over the great Han Chinese race.  Crazy, right?  But truth be told the Chinese empire has long been troubled by the dirty and unwashed barbarian hordes to the north.  Ever since the Xiongnu delighted to our fine silks and princesses, it has been one long struggle to remind the barbarian that yes, you can ride horses better than we can, but no, you are still a damn barbarian so keep out.

This Shanzhai Shit is Getting Out of Hand

Loyal Readers:

Once again I must take off my warlord hat and put on the refined headgear of your informed social commentator.  Why, you ask?  Because this shanzhai shit is getting out of hand.  Oh, you probably figured that out from the title of this post.

First, what is shanzhai?  Shit, if you do not know, you may be beyond help.  Shanzhai literally means “mountain fortress” but thanks to the intertube world is now used to refer to knock-off goods, and can also be translated into the American slang term “ghetto.”  BTW, if you are not familiar with this word, you must be living in a cave.  A dank, stinky, Yan’an cave filled with wife sharing, pill-popping, yangge-dancing dumb-ass peasants.

Secondly, how do we know that the shanzhai craze has gotten out of hand?  My first clue was the fact that during a recent Chinese autoshow, half the cars were knockoffs of Western models.  Here is one example:

Looks vaguely familiar, no?

My second clue was when the New York Times, the “Grey Lady” herself, starting talking about how shanzhai China has become:

Technological advances have allowed hundreds of small Chinese companies, some with as few as 10 employees, to churn out what are known here as shanzhai, or black market, cellphones, often for as little as $20 apiece.

Although shanzhai phones have only been around a few years, they already account for more than 20 percent of sales in China, which is the world’s biggest mobile phone market, according to the research firm Gartner.

Now, we all know that the NY Times is a tool in the Jiang Jieshi and Guomindang machine, so for them to call out China, in the middle of a fucking war, says something.  BTW, what the fuck is a cellphone?  I digress.  Did I mention the shanzhai soy sauce made from human hair?

Now, many of you may be wondering why I care so much about this shanzhai shit.  Well, let me level with you.  Yan Xishan has been holding down Shanxi for decades.  As I stated before, I am the real revolutionary.  I helped bring down the damn Qing dynasty!  But with this shanzhai shit, I fear in the future my memory will be overshadowed by some shanzhai revolutionary.  Sun Yat-sen, Jiang Jieshi, even (gasp) that infamous peasant fucker Zhu De.  I thus call on my Chinese brothers and sisters, let us be a little less ghetto, a little less nongcun, and a bit more Taiyuan.

YXS

#4 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Tang

Gentle Readers:

Last night, gazing over the beautiful Taiyuan skyline as the sun set to the west of my fortified palace, watching the sun dip below the fragrant haze created by my coal mines, my mind wandered and I began to ponder some of the big questions that have been on my mind since I was a young lad.  Who or what created us?   Was Hong Xiuquan fucking crazy, or was he actually bat-shit crazy?  Why is it that I was destined for greatness, while peasants are destined to farm using their own shit as fertilizer?  Who put that stick up Jiang Jieshi’s ass?  Does Mao Zedong realize that with his accent, he sounds like a little bitch?

As I pondered my role in this world, and my status as a great Chinese leader (and the #1 Chinese thinker), this led me to a new line of inquiry: What is it that defines us as Chinese?  Not in terms of nationality, as this is a simple question.  In terms of nation, China refers to the great Han race and all those minorities lucky enough to be crushed by our superior numbers and hot pot technology.  No, as I pondered the meaning of “Chinese,” I was reflecting on the role of culture.

Now, when I was a young man, Chinese culture was a simple matter.  Drink tea, quote Zhu Xi whenever possible, eat rice, cripple your daughter by binding her feet, and repeat until you croak and your many sons mourn you for three years.  But within my lifetime, so much has changed!  Sure, we still got the rice thing, but nowadays Zhu Xi is out, and Ibsen is in.  And if you bind your daughter’s feet, you are considered a serious asshole.  A few decades ago, if you could not freely pontificate about the “investigation of things” while your womenfolk hobbled about within the seclusion of your estate, you would not be considered Chinese.  These days?  So much has changed!

Now, of course I am thankful for this change.  I mean, I rule Shanxi, so the whole end of the imperial era thing has kind of worked out for me.  Plus, I like a real active sex partner, and women with bound feet really cannot do some of the real freaky shit that I enjoy.  Yes, I know, this makes me a feminist, don’t remind me.  But if we cannot take Chinese culture and fossilize it, how can we ever be sure how to separate the great Chinese from the dirty, stinky, and typically hairy barbarian?  After worrying about this for a few hours, I finally relaxed, thanks to two things.  First was a stiff fenjiu cocktail, second was my memories of the #4 dynasty of all time, the great Tang dynasty!

The Tang was truly a great time.  First, as you can see, this was a large dynasty, one that extended a Chinese bitch slap all the way into Inner Asia along the Silk Road.  But what really appeals to me about the Tang was that this was a different China, one would have been unrecognizable to my parents and their generation.  That punk Zhu Xi had not yet put the Neo in Neo-Confucianism.  Women did not yet bind their feet, which meant when you sexed up Yang Guifei, she could do all your favorite positions!  Perhaps most importantly, China was open to other cultures and ideologies–Confucianism was actually taking a back seat to Buddhism!  Crazy.  But if China was culturally so different during one of its greatest eras (specifically, the #4 era ever), then China can change and grow!   This is great news for my plan to replace tea drinking with bourbon guzzling.

Now, the Tang is often considered to be the #1 dynasty of all time.  Close, but not quite.  How can we overlook the fact that the Tang was breifly usurped by the only female emperor in Chinese history?  Thanks to the so-called Empress Wu, the Tang has a black eye that cannot be covered up.  Good thing that I am a feminist, because I can come out and say what all Chinese men know, even us feminists: Women cannot rule All Under Heaven!   All Under My Pants, yes, but not All Under Heaven.

YXS

New Training Techniques for the JPA

Loyal Readers:

I trust you are all enjoying the end of the calendar year.  My US advisors have informed me that yesterday was “Christmas,” yet another excuse for them to take off from work and indulge themselves in the holy trinity of Western sins: drinking, whoring, and feeling superior to the great Chinese race.  Needless to say, only two of these sins are acceptable, and the third will no doubt result in a dejected look on their faces when thier grandchildren only speak Chinese (and with a perfect Shanxi accent to boot).

While I have humored my American guests by considering the importation of festivals such as Halloween and Thanksgiving, Christmas is a non-starter.  We are at war with the Commies, the Japs, and I am considering opening a “cyber” front against the uptight Dutchman who dared to remove the link to my blog from my Wikipedia page.  With so much conflict, how can I ask my people to waste their resources on gifting each other presents?  That is a waste of resources that needs to be funneled to me for my purposes!

Speaking of which, I have been looking at ways to keep the JPA in top fighting shape.  As such, when I stumbled accross this wonderful creation, I knew I just had to have it:

Once I get them shipped out to Taiyuan, all JPA barracks will have all regular doors replaced with ping pong doors.  I imagine this will keep my soldiers in top fighting shape.  Man, I cannot wait for the skills they will pick up in training applied in battle.  Can you imagine one of my officers delivering a wicked back handed slap across the face of an unsuspecting Ding Ling?  Oh, even better, how about Wang Guangmei?  That would be pretty damn hot.

YXS

A Warlord Gives Thanks

Faithful Readers:

As the cold frost of the Shanxi winter rapidly advances, spirits here in Taiyuan are still high.  True, the JPA have exchanged their hot pants for a more insulated long pants uniform, but the fit is still tight.  Kudos to the designer of our military garb!  True, he is a notorious homosexual, but his rampant misogyny means he truly enjoys outfitting our Shanxi ladies in the most exploitative of outfits.  You think a feminist was behind the phenomenon of women’s clothing with words on the ass?  I think not.

My US military advisors are in a particularly fine mood, as they prepare to celebrate yet another American holiday.  Sometimes they baffle me, with all of their many celebrations, none of which (as far as I can fathom) involves sweeping the graves of their ancestors.  Earlier I have blogged about my encounters with Halloween and the most odd “four and twenty” holiday.  True to form, my advisors have been encouraging me to adopt Thanksgiving here in Shanxi, in order to (in their words) prove our “civilized” status.  Please, our coal mines are more than proof of our fine civilization?  Plus, do you not see the ancient Shang dynasty ding I use as my ashtray?  Check it out, and yes this is my actual ashtray:

As I have told my American “friends,” the Chinese race cannot and will not simply import this barbarian holiday.  I have, however, implemented a “Thanksgiving with Chinese Characteristics.”  What does this mean?  First of all, no turkey.  What a disgusting food, most foul.  We will however, feast in our own unique way.  Inspired by the American creation of the “turducken,” I have commissioned my palace chefs to create a super jiaozi.  According to my own design, it will work like this: First, take a cabbage and pork jiaozi, than put that inside of a lamb and carrot jiaozi, and then put that inside of an egg and tomato jiaozi.  Then, deep fry that sucker.  Oh yeah.  Far superior to turkey.  The JPA, however, will most likely insist on mala hot pot.  Sad but true: I have lost more soldiers to explosive diarrhea than to actual explosives.

We will also follow American tradition by giving thanks.  I will start:

I am thankful for holding down Shanxi, the most wonderful place on earth.

I am thankful for being able to fly under the radar.  While Mao Zedong and Jiang Jieshi fight it out, I will bide my time and most certainly emerge the victor of All-Under-Heaven.

I am thankful for the recent influx of sex workers into Taiyuan.  Prices are down, choices are up, and thanks to their inexperience, VD rates are at an all time low.  Thank you, rural unrest!

I am thankful that my Beerbot is still functioning.  If it breaks, I am pretty sure that no one here in Taiyuan will be able to fix my most precious servant.

Finally, I am thankful for booze.

YXS

Defending Shanxi

Dear Readers:

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to rest.  I mean, sure I take constant vacations, and even when I am on the clock I am usually passed out or on the way towards oblivion.  But even when I am holed up in my Taiyuan stronghold with one of my many wives or a collection of unfortunate peasant girls, I am always thinking about the greatest place on earth, my lovely Shanxi.

There are those who do not share my love of Shanxi, and as such they attack me, the JPA, and the good (read stupid) peasants that farm and pay taxes.  That is right, I am taking to you, the Chinese Communist Party.  Oh, and you too, Jiang Jieshi, don’t think I forgot how you tried to punk me in the 30s.

Recently, the anti-Shanxi voices in my head just seem to get louder and louder.  Take this example here, of a girl who has decided that she should marry a stinking laowai because “China does not have any men suitable” for her.  Now, normally I do not care about such silly statements.  As a warlord controlling vast resources, I have all the women I need, both foreign and domestic (BTW, same goes for my booze).  Plus I have met plenty of laowai men through my contacts with the US military, and so for any woman who would want to marry one of these half-baboon creatures, good luck.

But this woman crossed the line with this statement:

China definitely does not lack rich men, but have a look at what kind of people they are. How many of them succeeded due to their own effort, ability or honesty? If they are not brick-moving labour contractors, then they are coal-digging boss from Shanxi, or they are corrupt. They are neither civilised, nor do they have a good bearing. How am I supposed to converse with them? To be honest, they will regard it as art if you are able to hum a few lines of pop music.

Hold on there girl!  Why did you have to drag the good and honest coal-digging bosses of Shanxi into this mess?  Why, some of my closest friends are coal-digging bosses of Shanxi!  They are hard workers, who demand nothing but the best from their workers, even if that means creating dangerous working situations that result in multiple and preventable deaths.  Are we supposed to just give up on cheap and dirty coal power?  Ha!  You think power comes from the sky like rain or sunshine?

Moreover, we Shanxi men are men of culture.  Pop songs?  Please, you truly do not understand these great men, who delight in five-hour long operas, best viewed with a bottle of fenjiu in one hand and an underpaid and possibly diseased sex worker on your lap.

In the end, I am conflicted.  On one hand, women like this, so ignorant of Shanxi, should be shown the door and invited to leave China for whatever third-rate first world country will take them.  Might I suggest Canada?  On the other hand, that such anti-Shanxi sentiment is spreading is troubling to say the least.

Will it be my responsibility alone to restore the good name of Shanxi to the internet?

YXS

How Not to Pick Your Chinese Name

Good Friends:

The summer heat wave here in Shanxi has continued unabated.  I have been thinking about leaving Taiyuan for cooler environs, but I am finding it hard to do so.  Not because of my duty to my people and a feeling of responsibility for the future, but because Shanxi is currently blockaded by the Japs and the Commies.

Sweltering and half insane, I have had to find all sorts of diversions to pass the time.  Booze has helped.  But even when drunk, you can only watch so many hours of opera before demanding that the young female lead be delivered to your palace for a personal performance.  Thus my days have fallen into a monotony, and I was so bored for distraction that I agreed to a meeting with my US military advisors.

Now, normally I despise such meetings, as they are always telling me what I am doing wrong.  If I actually listened to these fools, I would have to re-organize my army and take on the Japs head first.  No thanks!  But out of boredom I agreed to meet with them.  Overall the meeting was useless, but one hilarious thing did emerge: they had all taken Chinese names, each more ridiculous than the next.

What is it with laowai and Chinese names?  Is it so hard to choose one that does not make you look like a total douchebag?  As I have noted earlier, laowai are always doing stupid shit that I real man such as myself would never do.  But to flub something as simple as a name?  As public service, I thought I should share a few basic rules when it comes to laowai and Chinese names.

Now, I am sure that many of you, when hearing about bad Chinese names, think of this guy:

Meet Da Shan (大山), the guy who is famous for being able to speak Chinese.  This makes a lot of other laowai super pissed off, since they speak Chinese but don’t get to be all famous for it.  On one hand I feel their pain, since I speak Chinese and am not famous for it, but on the other hand I really cannot relate because I am totally famous for other things, like being a powerful warlord.

There is also a bit of controversy surrounding his name, which literally translates into “Big Mountain.”  Besides the fact that he named himself after a bad reggae band, there is this question: Is this not a really stupid fucking name?  The answer: Yes.  But it could be much worse.  I would say it is about as stupid as me moving to Denver and telling people they should start calling me Rocky Mountain.

Perhaps I am being a bit soft on Da Shan, since we both share the 山 character in our names.  But really, there are far more stupid names for a laowai to choose.  I will demonstrate this by discussing two of the worst names ever to be chosen by laowai.

The first name is an unfortunate mix of three factors.  The first is the desire to name yourself after an animal.  Why the fuck would you do that?  You are a person (I think, although a few of the laowai I know are a bit ape-like).  If you have the character of any animal in your name, and you have never starred in an action movie, you are a douche.  The second factor is having a small dick, and feeling insecure about it, so you want to emphasize your “bigness’ by putting the character for big (大) in your name.  The third factor is actually thinking that you somehow deserve to be compared favorably to Bruce Lee.

As some of you might have guessed, the name I refer to is Dalong (大龙), or “Big Dragon.”  If you have this name, you are an idiot.  Bruce Lee’s Chinese name was Xiaolong (小龙) or “Little Dragon.”  That is a fucking awesome Chinese name–for Bruce Lee.  You expect me to call you “Big Dragon”?  How about I just call you a fucking idiot.

If our first horrible name displays equal parts ignorance, insecurity, and misplaced arrogance, the second horrible name reveals in its holder a willingness to debase themselves for fame.  I speak of what I take to be the most idiotic name ever taken by a laowai (and that says something), Aihua (爱华).  Meet Aihua:

Aihua.  What a fucking name.  It means “love China.”  I suppose it will not surprise you to know that Aihua is an actress.  Here is what the always reliable CCTV said about her:

[She is an] American girl who has embraced and adopted Chinese culture and tradition as her own. Meanwhile, she is beloved by the Chinese people, and they have accepted her as a Chinese, not a foreigner. She has graced the stages and TV screens of China since the young age of 10. “Ai Hua”, meaning Love China, is her Chinese name. And the name proves very appropriate, for not only does she love the Chinese, but the Chinese love her as well.

Shocking, is it not, that this CCTV report is inaccurate?   Note to all laowai: You will never be accepted as Chinese.  Picking a suck-up name might make us feel comfortable around you–it does show that you will kiss our asses for as long as we keep you around–but it does not make you Chinese.

I still cannot believe anyone would take this name.  To balance the scales, I am currently looking for a Chinese citizen to move Montana and take the name “Me Love USA Long Time.”  If you know anyone who might be interested, contact me at once.

YXS

Update:  The newish blog “Peking Order” (get it?) has a list of the top 5 laowai.  You will find that these “top” laowai are also dumb-ass laowai with seriously stupid names, a few of which have already been referenced above.  Check it out here.  BTW the Peking Order gets +6 internet points for referencing Yan Xishan, but -3 internet points for showing pity to Ai Hua.

Great Men of Shanxi: Judge Dee

Ah, what a busy summer it has been!  I have been unable to update you, my dear reader, with the regularity you must surely crave, but here is a quick recap:  It has been most horribly hot here in Taiyuan, and not even my wives constant fanning and continuous service from my robotics division has been enough to keep me cool.  The heat, I must admit, has gone to my head on several occasions.  Why, just last week I flew off into a rage and had 25 communists executed via hay chopper, only to later learn they their Lu Xun study group was actually a study group and not a cover for anti-Yan Xishan activities.  Whoops!  Speaking of the dreaded Pink Threat, the JPA has been busy in that regard too.  But after months of constant battles, the Commies have finally retreated to Yan’an to share their peasant wives and pop sleeping pills.  Can final victory be just around the corner?  Stay tuned my friends.

With the lull in fighting, I have decided to educate you, loyal reader, about the greatness of Shanxi.  What’s that you say?  You already know that since I hail from this province, it must be great?  How true.  But here is what you do not know–I am not the only great man to be born from the warm bosom of Shanxi.  No, Shanxi has a long tradition of producing the finest men in China (which of course means we are the finest men in the world!).  To wit, please meet my Shanxi brother, Judge Dee–a native of Taiyuan:

Now, Judge Dee (real name Di Renjie) was an official during the Tang Dynasty.  Well, actually he served under Empress Wu’s Zhou Dynasty, but I would rather not dwell on that fact.  I mean, serving a female ruler?  Not my style.  But my boy Renjie, despite this flaw, was all man.  He was known for laying down justice, Chinese style.  Which is to say he tortured anyone he pleased, then afterwords had a few drinks and and a delicious meal.  And when I say torture, I mean torture!  Talking back to the judge?  How about 100 lashes of the heavy bamboo?  Looking suspicious?  That will be 40 lashes with the whip against your bare back. Don’t want to confess even though I know you must be guilty?  How about I slowly turn your ankles into jelly until you admit I am right about everything?

And while he served a woman, Judge Dee had what my General Bragg, my US military advisor, would call a “strong pimp hand.”  Check out his interrogation of a beautiful-yet-murderous woman:

Who knew justice could be so wonderfully raunchy?  Nowadays, thanks to brainwahsed Westernized liberals like Song Qingling, we are supposed to pretend in things like not torturing people, but this is not the Shanxi way.  Hell, it is not even the Chinese way!  Here we have a simple philosophy about justice: No evidence?  No problem!

With such a great heritage, is it any wonder that Shanxi has produced a Yan Xishan?

YXS

The Struggle Spreads!

Loyalists:

Sometimes it is hard to tell what is going on from an odd photo, especially one that is randomly transmitted to me on the “internet.” Here is what was delivered to me this morning as I was recovering from yet another all-night fenjiu binge:

What is going on here? It is clearly a Commie style douzhenghui, made famous in various campaigns organized by my would-be-rival, Mao Zedong. For those of you not in the know, a douzhenghui is a “struggle meeting,” used to convince an upstanding landlord to hand over his water buffalo and wife to some debt ridden peasant.

But usually a douzhenghui takes place in some backwater, Buddha-forsaken village where the only idea of industry is a far-fetched dream of building a brick making “factory.” Clearly this photo is not of the nongcun, as these are no peasants–they are dressed in cloths that would make your average Taiyuan citizen scream out in envy. And note the electric lighting and the confused looking foreigner… this is not even China, our great motherland!

Yes, the struggle has spread to the West. And this has caused me to pause and ponder the ramifications of this odd turn of events. On one hand, I am a famed anti-Communist. Seeing the wife-stealing mass mobilization techniques of “Mao Zhu” gain traction world-wide makes me ill. But I am also a nationalist, and the thought of my proud Chinese brothers and sisters raising their angry fists in the imperialists’ metropole brings a smile to my face.

After reflection, I have decided I can only give a halfhearted acceptance to the actions of those above. Are they demanding rent reduction, or their own land? I cannot tell. But I can tell they are struggling a poor Chinese girl–and unless she is being told she must join the JPA, that is just not acceptable. Especially when the true struggle object, the hapless looking laowai, is right behind them!

YXS

Edit: One of my readers (thanks Jonas) has identified this photo as having something to do with a debate over Tibet. I am clueless as to what the debate might be, it has been some time since I was in the land of the yak. You can read about my visit with the Dalai Lama here and about my subsequent flight from Tibet here.