Searching for Yan Xishan

November 9, 2008

Gentle Readers:

Today I offer you a special treat—-a look inside your favorite blog.  While all of my readers are passionate and devoted followers, they did not all come to discover this most excellent blog in the same manner.  Indeed, my readers are a diverse bunch.  Take a look at the top search returns that led internet junkies to the Yan Xishan Blog.

1. Laozi

2. Han Feizi

3. Jiang Jieshi

4. Yan Xishan

5. Xunzi

6. Chinese Thinkers

7. Yuan Shikai

8. Mongolian Teenage Hookers

9. Mongolian Whores

10. Sunzi

11. Ming Dynasty

12. Beijing Whores

13. Juicy Pants

14. Dalai Lama

15. Xiao Yun

That is some list, and I must admit it surprises me a bit.  Laozi as the number one referring search term?  Jiang Jieshi listed above Yan Xishan?  What a joke!  That serves as a powerful reminder that we all need to do more work to get my name out.

Perhaps equally surprising, how about them whores?  Are more people looking for Mongolian whores than Beijing whores?  Or are people looking for Beijing whores turning to other internet authorities?  Because that would be a huge mistake on thier part.

Finally, the Dalai Lama in a juicy pants and Xiao Yun sandwich—-that is priceless.



#6 Most Impressive Dyansty: the Ming

May 15, 2008

Sons and Daughters of the Order of Yan Xishan,

Welcome again to my ongoing rundown of the greatest dynasties in the history of the world’s most awesome and super-duper civilization, that of the Chinese. Did you know that we invented everything? We did. Name a thing. What was that you said? Gunpowder? Kites? The Hay Chopper Chop? We totally invented all of those–hell, I was even personally responsible for one of these inventions, and you can be sure that it was not the kite that sprang from the mind of your favorite warlord.

Now, it is true that our rate of inventions has slowed down a bit. Ever since the Song dynasty, China has been plagued by a horrible curse, for you see we are forced to deal with millions and millions of poor peasants. With so many of these damn peasants, all of whom were willing to labor all day for peanuts (or the equivalent rate in rice), there really was no need to develop new agricultural techniques or pretty much any other labor saving device. Hell, it seemed downright anti-Confucian to deny our beloved peasants their enjoyable back-breaking labor by re-inventing the water wheel. But as I explained in my recent lecture to the JPA, this does not mean that Chinese invention stopped. No, we glorious Chinese turned our keen minds to other forms of invention.

So it was with the founder of the Ming dynasty, ranked number #6 in this definitive countdown of the greatest Chinese dynasties to ever rule All Under Heaven. For this great and wise man, known to us as Zhu Yuanzhang, recast the imperial state. First, a bit about the man:

Zhu Yuanzhang, Founder of the Ming

Zhu Yuanzhang, as you can see, was no 花花公子. He was even more pockmarked than Jiang Jieshi’s favorite Shanghai gangster. In that sense, I have trouble relating to him, for I am a dapper gentleman of the highest order. Well, that is not entirely true–I should not really say that I am a gentleman, only that I know how to act like one when needed. I am, however, a damn fine looking man–although I am not sure why I need to remind you of this, you have seen my photos.

Anyway, Zhu Yuanzhang was ugly, but he was a genius. He basically re-invented the imperial state, creating an autocratic and authoritarian regime that power hungry and paranoid rulers have been enjoying ever since. In the past, emperors had to listen to their ministers. But once Zhu solved this problem by cutting off the head of his government; he did so literally, making me think he would be a fan of my patented Hay Chopper Chop. I mean, once the Prime Minister has no head, how the hell is he going to complain about the increasing diversion of flood control funds into the fenjiu shush fund?

Alas, the state he created was not without flaws. First, it was small:

I mean, it could be worse. But really, what happened to West China? Tibet? Hello? Anyone there? It seems Zhu Yuanzhang misunderstood “All Under Heaven” as meaning “This Small Pathetic Part of All Under Heaven.” Trust me, that is not a mistake I will make. As I noted after meeting the Dalai Lama, I am still undecided about invading Tibet. On one hand, having it does make the map much more impressive. On the other hand, yak butter tea (ugh, I just threw up a bit). In any case, Zhu Yuanzhang never even dared to venture west as I have, and for that I look down at him like the pock-marked porcine caricature that he is.

The real problem with the Ming, however, is that Zhu Yuanzhan’s offspring were royal fuck-ups. They make Puyi look like Kangxi, if you get my meaning. When you put all power in the hands of the ruler and reduce the officials to a bunch of yellow bellied fools dragging their coffins to court, you best have a damn competent ruler. But Zhu Yuanzhang’s descendants were not fit to manage a Shanxi noodle shop. Take for example Zhu Houzhao, better known as the Wuzong Emperor. Houzhao didn’t like to study, loved war games, and boozed his life away. Now, I imagine you are wondering what could be wrong with boozing–nothing in the abstract, but ol’ Wuzong got so loaded he fell out of a fishing boat and died from complications. Now, if you are too stupid to figure out how to safely pass out on your kang, how the hell you gonna run a damn empire?



PS–Note to self, make sure my offspring are not total fuck ups.

Bai Bai Dalai, Ni Hao Ma Bufang

August 2, 2007

My Dearest Readers,

After enduring weeks of near starvation, subsisting solely off Yak and Yak-By-Product, the great Tibetan experiment has come to an end.  Due to the machinations of the 13th Dalai Lama, myself and the remnants of the once mighty JPA were expelled from the Tibetan highlands yesterday, although to be honest this comes as a relief. Yes, I had been hoping to rally my Tibetan cousins to fight for me, but the thought of drinking any more yak butter was creating certain mental imbalances that could not be ignored. And the JPA! Perhaps if the yak meat was sliced razor thin, then dunked in a blazingly spicy broth that ensured epic laduzi–well then they might have been able to survive the thin air.  As it was their health and spirits were at an all-time low.

So we left, traveling by yak-pulled carts to Xining, the capital of Qinghai. Departing Tibet I had time to ponder this great land and came to some conclusions. The first is that yaks are the stinkiest when you travel behind them. The second is that having young boys become monks, such as is the practice in Tibet, deprives them the chance for free thought. What a brilliant way to pre-indoctrinate the masses! I will look into this in the future. Finally, reincarnation is also pretty sweet. The only problem is that once you are Yan Xishan, you can only go down in the next life.

Now that I am in Xining, I am making plans to meet with Ma Bufang, the local warlord. Perhaps he will be able to assist me in my drive to Shanxi. He is a Hui, one of China’s many ethnicities. The Hui are Muslims, so I am expecting a warm welcome, complete with lots of booze. Expect an update shortly.


Yan Xishan meets the Dalai Lama

July 28, 2007

My dear Loyalists,

Yes, it is true, I have yet to return to my beloved Shanxi.  How my subjects must be suffering under the rule of the Mao Zedong and his motley band of wife-sharers.  Fear not, I will return!

In the meantime I am stuck in the Tibetan highlands, attempting to rally an army.  It has been slow going–it seems these Tibetans don’t speak Chinese.  To make matters worse, they want nothing to do with me or my Han brothers and sisters.  That much was made clear to me during my meeting with the 13th Dalai Lama.   I snapped this photo of him:


After serving me the most horrid concoction of yak butter tea, he informed me that Tibet has enjoyed de-facto independence since the collapse of the Qing Dynasty, and they intended on maintaining that independence.

A few things struck me after this meeting.  First, Tibet seriously needs to learn how to make a G&T–beverage-wise, they surely are one of the most backward peoples around.  I have yet to see a single ice cube!  Second, not once did His Holiness thank me for my part in bringing down the Qing and thus helping free his peoples.  Finally, I had heard that despite his pledge of independence, His Holiness had bowed to the wishes of the monasteries and canceled the modernization of the Tibetan army, which they saw as too expensive and a threat to their traditional powers.   Once I reunify China under my rule, how are they going to stop me from invading?  But the beautiful thing about reincarnation is that future Dalai Lamas cannot complain–all I have to say to Dalai Lama #14 and his heirs is, hey, you were the one that disbanded the army!

Still, I do wonder if I will bother to invade.  Not really a big fan of the yak.  Plus, the Tibetan people have a certain individuality that I would like to see preserved.  It is not every minzu that can say “Hey, you know what?  Screw vegetables.  Lets move to 5000m above sea level and subsist on yak, and yak alone.”