New Training Techniques for the JPA

December 26, 2008

Loyal Readers:

I trust you are all enjoying the end of the calendar year.  My US advisors have informed me that yesterday was “Christmas,” yet another excuse for them to take off from work and indulge themselves in the holy trinity of Western sins: drinking, whoring, and feeling superior to the great Chinese race.  Needless to say, only two of these sins are acceptable, and the third will no doubt result in a dejected look on their faces when thier grandchildren only speak Chinese (and with a perfect Shanxi accent to boot).

While I have humored my American guests by considering the importation of festivals such as Halloween and Thanksgiving, Christmas is a non-starter.  We are at war with the Commies, the Japs, and I am considering opening a “cyber” front against the uptight Dutchman who dared to remove the link to my blog from my Wikipedia page.  With so much conflict, how can I ask my people to waste their resources on gifting each other presents?  That is a waste of resources that needs to be funneled to me for my purposes!

Speaking of which, I have been looking at ways to keep the JPA in top fighting shape.  As such, when I stumbled accross this wonderful creation, I knew I just had to have it:


Once I get them shipped out to Taiyuan, all JPA barracks will have all regular doors replaced with ping pong doors.  I imagine this will keep my soldiers in top fighting shape.  Man, I cannot wait for the skills they will pick up in training applied in battle.  Can you imagine one of my officers delivering a wicked back handed slap across the face of an unsuspecting Ding Ling?  Oh, even better, how about Wang Guangmei?  That would be pretty damn hot.



New Year’s Eve=Disappointment

January 1, 2008

Fellow Fans of Shanxi,

I was hoping to use this opportunity to wish all of you a most happy 1941 (or whatever year you are choosing to celebrate out there in the web-o-sphere), but my heart is heavy with frustration, and I must vent.

As you must surely know, I am not adverse to finding excuses to get loopy on fenjiu or the local Shanxi pijiu, and as such I had high hopes for this New Year’s Eve. I had the whole night planned in excruciating detail, with everything leading up to a buck-naked sparkling fenjiu toast with the three leading ladies of the local qinqiang opera circuit. They are known as the san guniang, and they are famous for both for their lovely eardrum-shattering timbre as well as their depraved bisexuality. I have already traded some of their panties to the Japanese Guandong Army for a truckload of shiny new handguns, so you can imagine how much fun my night would have been.

Would have been being the operative term. My current US military attaché is such a stubborn punk–he makes “Vinegar Joe” Stilwell look like Honey Joe. He went on and on about how his hearing aid had short-circuited the last time we entertained the san guniang, and insisted on what he referred to as “Plan B.” Reluctantly, I agreed to let him plan the evening. Well, he contacted Jiang Jieshi for some entertainers, and Jiang passed the buck to Li Zongren, the Guangxi warlord, who like me is a “general” in the Guomindang. Shit, if Li Zongren did not set out to ruin my night! He sent us what he insisted were Guangxi’s finest exotic dangers, but if that is true I feel sad for the Guangxi power-holders. These women seemed to think that by merely standing near a pole while naked they were real strippers! Where were the acrobatics? Were they not aware of our great nation’s long tradition of acrobatic performances? Pathetic. I would rather get a lap dance from Ding Ling.

While my attaché seemed impressed, he passed out long before midnight. I dismissed the Guangxi strippers and sold them to Japan for ammunition for my handguns. I did have some fun shooting into the air at midnight, but beyond that, what a waste!


Teaching Americans about Proper Fuel Comsumption

April 28, 2007

Dearest Friends of Yan Xishan,

It has been a while since I have had the pleasure of “bloggin” (what funny words exist in the post-Revolutionary Age!) for all of you. I have been quite busy, as you might guess, fending off those who would take Shanxi from me. Never will they succeed, of course, but being n00bs they are not smart enough to realize this.

I speak specifically of the pinko bastards who continue to share their wives and dreams of overthrowing my rule, no doubt to get their hands on my wives.  Well, at least wives numbers 2 to 9–the first was totally set up by my pops, done for power reasons, and the girl is beyond plump–she makes Ding “a” Ling look like a Shanghai movie star. I once tried to trick her into going to Yan’an to serve as a “diplomat” hoping they would just kidnap her, but she refused to get off her kang, where she sits all day eating donkey meat. I doubt even a Yan’an Yutz would want to share her anyway.

So last week the Pinkos were causing a ruckus over in western Shanxi and I headed out with the troops to check it out.  The JPA is still in training–my US adviser in charge of training is just taking forever, it took him three weeks to choose thier outfits–so it was me, the Dare to Die Corps, and my two other American advisers.  We had the advantage, thanks to all the equipment the imperialist US has given me, so we headed west in our motorized division.  The battle ensued, and let me tell you dear readers, it was a sight to see! I was enjoying it all from my Jeep, drinking bottle after bottle of  fenjiu (our local booze) to celebrate.

Victory was at hand, but at the critical moment my men ran out of ammunition. Thus followed an orderly and strategic retreat, which even I had to admit got a bit out of hand–running over those itinerant nuns was probably bad karma. About halfway back to Taiyuan, things got even worse when we ran out of gas.  Oh man you should have seen my US advisers shit themselves.  Luckily the Pink Menace was traveling by foot (hell, they might have been riding pigs for all I know) so we had a few moments. I sobered up enough to instruct my personal guards to use my fenjiu as gas for our vehicles. The Americans thought I was crazy–at first I thought they objected to wasting good drink, but it seemed they doubted me! Yet sure enough that booze motored us home to safety.

Funny thing is, my advisors do not seem to realize my genius. They keep on harping on about how if we had brought more ammo instead of 400 cases of booze we might have won the battle. I say–there will always be time for another battle. The time to drink, however, is always now.

Ya Dig?

Real Revolutionaries Representing

April 27, 2007

As loyal readers of my old blog know, I have long been locked in a power struggle over my native Shanxi with two evil forces: the Commies and the forces of Jiang Jieshi. I would repeat our past struggles, but time moves on.

I recently had to dispatch a Pinko Journalist to the great Shanxi in the Sky. Had a great time doing it too, using my patented Hay Chopper Chop. (Not even Randy Macho Man Savage would stand a chance. Even Andre the Giant’s thick neck would be severed like a stalk of gaoliang) So, end of problem, right? Turns out this loser was just the tool of his fatty girlfriend, Ding Ling. Seems Ding “A” Ling has been attacking me from her hideout in Yan’an, calling me a “counterrevolutionary” and “feudal.” Like the fact that I have nine wives proves anything.

The worst part is, I am the true revolutionary. I traveled to Japan in 1904 to study military theory, and the next year I joined the Tongmenghui with none other than Sun Yat-sen. We were committed to overthrowing the Qing Dynasty, and guess what fatso, we did it! Well, I did it… good ol’ Sun was “conveniently” on a train in Colorado when the shizznit hit the fan. Afterwards I took control over Shanxi, and have been implementing the Revolution, YXS syle.

So until you have overthrown a centuries old imperial system, STFU. Those of us who have, represent!