Oh Shit: The Bare Sticks Are Back!

May 2, 2010

Dear Internets:

Things are rough here in the Yan Xishan camp.  Two weeks back, after a night of heavy drinking, I was curled up on my kang, most thankful that the thick coal smoke that forms Taiyuan’s natural weather patterns was keeping the sun at bay.  Just at that moment, my #6 wife asked me to let her visit her natal family, and in my still inebriated state, I allowed her to depart.  If I was in my right mind, I never would have let her go.  Not only do I rely on her for daily massages, ear cleanings, and sexual services, but her hometown is precariously close to the damn Jin-Cha-Ji base area.  Before I even finished sobering up over my mid-day bowl of noodles and vinegar, the report came back–she had been communized!  Yes, she had disappeared into the Red Zone.  I imagine she must have at least four peasant husbands.  What an abomination!

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Hey Barbarians: Come Serve China!

February 28, 2010

Gentle Readers:

Have you heard the news?  It is the talk of the Shanxi interwebs: an American barbarian, famous for playing the game of “basketball” has come to our not-so-humble province, promising to labor and bring us glory!  I myself am a bit confused about all of this.  Seriously, there is a war going on, as I am sure you are all aware of.  Who has time for this game of throw-ball-in-basket when motherfuckers need killing?   But then again, as my regular readers know, I have my distractions, so who am I to deny my Shanxi peasants and coal workers a moment of pleasure?  Well, I am the master of my domain, so I suppose I could, but I have always held that a five minute break makes those 18 hour coal mining shifts just fly by.

The barbarian in question is named “Stephon Marbury” but here in Shanxi he has taken the name “Lone Wolf,” immediately violating one of my rules in choosing a Chinese name.

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#3 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Qing

February 16, 2010

Greetings Peoples of the Internets:

Recently I have been chatting with my old rival and drinking buddy, Zhang Xueliang.  Of course, we have to have these “chats” via telegram, as that old mouth breather Jiang Jieshi has kept the Young Marshall under house arrest ever since the so-called “Xi’an Incident.”  But he has to be released pretty soon, I mean how long can the Generalissimo hold a grudge?  Anyway, Xueliang was telegraphing (is this what kids mean by texting?) how he just cannot wait to get out and get back to his homeland up in the Northeast.  I had to stop him right there.  Who the hell wants to go to Dongbei? Motherfuckers been wanting to get up out of there for centuries!

Seeing how ignorance was everywhere, I knew that it was time for the introduction of the #3 most impressive dynasty of all time, the glorious Qing.  As all but the most moronic know, the Qing dynasty was founded by the Manchus, bunch of gross barbarians who were able to parlay their excellence in horseback riding and archery into the temporary dominance over the great Han Chinese race.  Crazy, right?  But truth be told the Chinese empire has long been troubled by the dirty and unwashed barbarian hordes to the north.  Ever since the Xiongnu delighted to our fine silks and princesses, it has been one long struggle to remind the barbarian that yes, you can ride horses better than we can, but no, you are still a damn barbarian so keep out.

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Laowais in China: What are they up to these days?

February 5, 2010


Thought some of you might find this chart useful.


JPA Recruit of the Month: Wendi Deng

December 4, 2008

Faithful Readers:

As usual, I am blogging to you from my Taiyuan stronghold, surrounded by empty bottles of fenjiu and confused peasant girls.  Last night got out of hand, I must admit rather sheepishly.  Last night, in a drunken fit, I drunkenly barged into my 2nd wife’s room and demanded her services for the hour.  I know, I know.  Even if you forget about all of the young peasant girls and sex workers, I have nine wives, which means there are 8 wives younger than number 2!  Geez, she is nearly 40!  What was I thinking?

That question has haunted me all morning.  But I think I now realize that middle aged women do have their charms.  After all, they do have experience on their side.  Plus, they have to compete with the new models, so they can be rather cunning.  With that in mind, I have decided to create openings for in the JPA for women above the age of 30.  In the past, when a JPA solider reached that age, she was transferred into a less prestigious unit (aka traded to the Japanese for weapons).  Now, however, mature women with talent will be considered for positions of responsibility.

As all my current soldiers are well under 30, I have decided to draft my first mature JPA solider.  By this decree, Wendi Deng, report to Shanxi for assignment!

Now, most you probably do not know Wendi Deng, but that is only because you have never had anything that she wanted.  If, in the past, you had something she wanted, you would now know know her as “that bitch Wendi Deng that took my shit.”  Ms. Deng, in my esteemed opinion, is just the kind of immoral, conniving, backstabbing mature woman that can serve the JPA.  As a brief background, she was born Deng Wenge, but later changed her Chinese name to Deng Wendi.  For some reason, she thought the first name “Cultural Revolution” was a bad one.  I am not sure, it has a catchy ring to it.  In any case, she befriended an American couple, persuaded them to bring her to the US to study, then seduced the man, causing him to divorce his wife and marry her!  Then (and it only gets better) she divorced him, stayed in the US, and went to Yale.  Now she is married to some wealthy geezer named Rupert Murdoch.  Once again, he had been married, but not for long once he met Wendi.  I never heard of this Rupert guy, but evidently he is super rich from newspapers (long time readers know I feel about the press–kill ’em all).  Take a look at the happy couple:


Wow.  She must have nerves of steel to bed that dude.  I can only hope that the thought of the billions she will inherit once he kicks the bucket makes the task easier.  In any case, her ability to infiltrate the hearts of unsuspecting married white men makes her a valuable military commodity.

How will I deploy my newest JPA toy?  Not sure yet.  Her powers seem limited to Western men, who are much more forgiving of Asian women who grow old.  Stalin?  Might work.  Churchill?  Shit, just imagine if Wendi showed up in his bedroom with a dry gin martini and a three cigars.  FDR?  He certainly is sex starved, but that Eleanore would be a fierce challenge for Wendi.  Catfight, anyone?