As usual, I am blogging to you from my Taiyuan stronghold, surrounded by empty bottles of fenjiu and confused peasant girls. Last night got out of hand, I must admit rather sheepishly. Last night, in a drunken fit, I drunkenly barged into my 2nd wife’s room and demanded her services for the hour. I know, I know. Even if you forget about all of the young peasant girls and sex workers, I have nine wives, which means there are 8 wives younger than number 2! Geez, she is nearly 40! What was I thinking?
That question has haunted me all morning. But I think I now realize that middle aged women do have their charms. After all, they do have experience on their side. Plus, they have to compete with the new models, so they can be rather cunning. With that in mind, I have decided to create openings for in the JPA for women above the age of 30. In the past, when a JPA solider reached that age, she was transferred into a less prestigious unit (aka traded to the Japanese for weapons). Now, however, mature women with talent will be considered for positions of responsibility.
As all my current soldiers are well under 30, I have decided to draft my first mature JPA solider. By this decree, Wendi Deng, report to Shanxi for assignment!
Now, most you probably do not know Wendi Deng, but that is only because you have never had anything that she wanted. If, in the past, you had something she wanted, you would now know know her as “that bitch Wendi Deng that took my shit.” Ms. Deng, in my esteemed opinion, is just the kind of immoral, conniving, backstabbing mature woman that can serve the JPA. As a brief background, she was born Deng Wenge, but later changed her Chinese name to Deng Wendi. For some reason, she thought the first name “Cultural Revolution” was a bad one. I am not sure, it has a catchy ring to it. In any case, she befriended an American couple, persuaded them to bring her to the US to study, then seduced the man, causing him to divorce his wife and marry her! Then (and it only gets better) she divorced him, stayed in the US, and went to Yale. Now she is married to some wealthy geezer named Rupert Murdoch. Once again, he had been married, but not for long once he met Wendi. I never heard of this Rupert guy, but evidently he is super rich from newspapers (long time readers know I feel about the press–kill ’em all). Take a look at the happy couple:
Wow. She must have nerves of steel to bed that dude. I can only hope that the thought of the billions she will inherit once he kicks the bucket makes the task easier. In any case, her ability to infiltrate the hearts of unsuspecting married white men makes her a valuable military commodity.
How will I deploy my newest JPA toy? Not sure yet. Her powers seem limited to Western men, who are much more forgiving of Asian women who grow old. Stalin? Might work. Churchill? Shit, just imagine if Wendi showed up in his bedroom with a dry gin martini and a three cigars. FDR? He certainly is sex starved, but that Eleanore would be a fierce challenge for Wendi. Catfight, anyone?