Merry Christmas from Hoth-like Shanxi

December 20, 2009

Dearest Readers:

It is the holiday season here in Taiyuan, which means a “temporary” truce with the hated Japs, bonus rations of vinegar for the troops, and a plenty of extra performances for my favorite qinqiang opera troop.  Tonight they are staging, at my request, a “mash-up” of The White-Haired Girl and A Christmas Carol.

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New Training Techniques for the JPA

December 26, 2008

Loyal Readers:

I trust you are all enjoying the end of the calendar year.  My US advisors have informed me that yesterday was “Christmas,” yet another excuse for them to take off from work and indulge themselves in the holy trinity of Western sins: drinking, whoring, and feeling superior to the great Chinese race.  Needless to say, only two of these sins are acceptable, and the third will no doubt result in a dejected look on their faces when thier grandchildren only speak Chinese (and with a perfect Shanxi accent to boot).

While I have humored my American guests by considering the importation of festivals such as Halloween and Thanksgiving, Christmas is a non-starter.  We are at war with the Commies, the Japs, and I am considering opening a “cyber” front against the uptight Dutchman who dared to remove the link to my blog from my Wikipedia page.  With so much conflict, how can I ask my people to waste their resources on gifting each other presents?  That is a waste of resources that needs to be funneled to me for my purposes!

Speaking of which, I have been looking at ways to keep the JPA in top fighting shape.  As such, when I stumbled accross this wonderful creation, I knew I just had to have it:

ping-pong-door

Once I get them shipped out to Taiyuan, all JPA barracks will have all regular doors replaced with ping pong doors.  I imagine this will keep my soldiers in top fighting shape.  Man, I cannot wait for the skills they will pick up in training applied in battle.  Can you imagine one of my officers delivering a wicked back handed slap across the face of an unsuspecting Ding Ling?  Oh, even better, how about Wang Guangmei?  That would be pretty damn hot.

YXS


A Warlord Gives Thanks

November 27, 2008

Faithful Readers:

As the cold frost of the Shanxi winter rapidly advances, spirits here in Taiyuan are still high.  True, the JPA have exchanged their hot pants for a more insulated long pants uniform, but the fit is still tight.  Kudos to the designer of our military garb!  True, he is a notorious homosexual, but his rampant misogyny means he truly enjoys outfitting our Shanxi ladies in the most exploitative of outfits.  You think a feminist was behind the phenomenon of women’s clothing with words on the ass?  I think not.

My US military advisors are in a particularly fine mood, as they prepare to celebrate yet another American holiday.  Sometimes they baffle me, with all of their many celebrations, none of which (as far as I can fathom) involves sweeping the graves of their ancestors.  Earlier I have blogged about my encounters with Halloween and the most odd “four and twenty” holiday.  True to form, my advisors have been encouraging me to adopt Thanksgiving here in Shanxi, in order to (in their words) prove our “civilized” status.  Please, our coal mines are more than proof of our fine civilization?  Plus, do you not see the ancient Shang dynasty ding I use as my ashtray?  Check it out, and yes this is my actual ashtray:

ashtray-of-yan-xishan

As I have told my American “friends,” the Chinese race cannot and will not simply import this barbarian holiday.  I have, however, implemented a “Thanksgiving with Chinese Characteristics.”  What does this mean?  First of all, no turkey.  What a disgusting food, most foul.  We will however, feast in our own unique way.  Inspired by the American creation of the “turducken,” I have commissioned my palace chefs to create a super jiaozi.  According to my own design, it will work like this: First, take a cabbage and pork jiaozi, than put that inside of a lamb and carrot jiaozi, and then put that inside of an egg and tomato jiaozi.  Then, deep fry that sucker.  Oh yeah.  Far superior to turkey.  The JPA, however, will most likely insist on mala hot pot.  Sad but true: I have lost more soldiers to explosive diarrhea than to actual explosives.

We will also follow American tradition by giving thanks.  I will start:

I am thankful for holding down Shanxi, the most wonderful place on earth.

I am thankful for being able to fly under the radar.  While Mao Zedong and Jiang Jieshi fight it out, I will bide my time and most certainly emerge the victor of All-Under-Heaven.

I am thankful for the recent influx of sex workers into Taiyuan.  Prices are down, choices are up, and thanks to their inexperience, VD rates are at an all time low.  Thank you, rural unrest!

I am thankful that my Beerbot is still functioning.  If it breaks, I am pretty sure that no one here in Taiyuan will be able to fix my most precious servant.

Finally, I am thankful for booze.

YXS


New Year’s Eve=Disappointment

January 1, 2008

Fellow Fans of Shanxi,

I was hoping to use this opportunity to wish all of you a most happy 1941 (or whatever year you are choosing to celebrate out there in the web-o-sphere), but my heart is heavy with frustration, and I must vent.

As you must surely know, I am not adverse to finding excuses to get loopy on fenjiu or the local Shanxi pijiu, and as such I had high hopes for this New Year’s Eve. I had the whole night planned in excruciating detail, with everything leading up to a buck-naked sparkling fenjiu toast with the three leading ladies of the local qinqiang opera circuit. They are known as the san guniang, and they are famous for both for their lovely eardrum-shattering timbre as well as their depraved bisexuality. I have already traded some of their panties to the Japanese Guandong Army for a truckload of shiny new handguns, so you can imagine how much fun my night would have been.

Would have been being the operative term. My current US military attaché is such a stubborn punk–he makes “Vinegar Joe” Stilwell look like Honey Joe. He went on and on about how his hearing aid had short-circuited the last time we entertained the san guniang, and insisted on what he referred to as “Plan B.” Reluctantly, I agreed to let him plan the evening. Well, he contacted Jiang Jieshi for some entertainers, and Jiang passed the buck to Li Zongren, the Guangxi warlord, who like me is a “general” in the Guomindang. Shit, if Li Zongren did not set out to ruin my night! He sent us what he insisted were Guangxi’s finest exotic dangers, but if that is true I feel sad for the Guangxi power-holders. These women seemed to think that by merely standing near a pole while naked they were real strippers! Where were the acrobatics? Were they not aware of our great nation’s long tradition of acrobatic performances? Pathetic. I would rather get a lap dance from Ding Ling.

While my attaché seemed impressed, he passed out long before midnight. I dismissed the Guangxi strippers and sold them to Japan for ammunition for my handguns. I did have some fun shooting into the air at midnight, but beyond that, what a waste!

YXS


Happy Halloween, Shanxi Style

April 28, 2007

To my Loyal Readers,

Allow me the extreme yet sublime pleasure of wishing you a Happy Halloween from lovely downtown Taiyuan. Many of you are probably a bit confused, wondering exactly how it is that we celebrate Halloween here in Shanxi.

Well, like many changes here it is the result of my nonstop modernization drive. I was mainly interested in stocking up on the latest US-made weapons, but my advisors insist that I bring some culture to the masses. Thus we have imported a host of Western holidays, although I do suspect that my American advisors are just looking for excuses to get drunk and go whoring. Like they need an excuse!

Take Halloween. They keep on telling me how it is a great holiday because women get a chance to dress like sluts. They keep on talking about costumes such as the “Slutty Nurse” or the “Slutty Policewoman.” Sounds great, yet at the Taiyuan Halloween Bash, all we had was wall-to-wall “Slutty Peasants.” Not so sexy.

As for me, I had lots of trouble finding a costume. As you can see from my picture, I take my appearance very seriously! I was going to dress up like Jiang Jieshi–seemed simple enough, just put on his uniform and get one of the JPA girls to follow me around wearing a cat outfit and a whip. But after consideration, I decided that will all the discipline problems I have been having with the JPA, I should not give them a chance for revenge. Then I thought about going as “the Chairman” but then again, what would that be like? Would I have to share my wives with the peasant masses? No thanks!

All my other ideas sucked. How about going as Hitler? My advisors said it was “too soon.” Maybe after the war it will be a good costume idea?

In the end, I just kind of gave up and started drinking heavily. If anyone asked me who I was dressed as, I just said I was Churchill. Well, better luck next year. In the meantime my advisors are already looking forward to ‘Thanksgiving,” whatever that is. They insist I hunt down some kind of mythical ultra-chicken!

YXS