JPA Recruit of the Month: Bai Ling

April 16, 2009

Gentle Reader:

How honored I am to have you back at The Yan Xishan Blog, reading up about the ongoing struggles of China’s most powerful and handsome warlord.  How deeply I regret leaving you without an update for so long.  Truly you have endured a bitter winter!  To be honest my winter has been long and cold.  Not only was Taiyuan colder than the steely glare I give to student demonstrators before demanding their executions, but I lost my favorite winter military garb to one of my US military advisors in an ill-advised bet.  Turns out that after 14 beers, I was not able to shoot an apple off of a prisoner’s head.  Don’t worry, the prisoner is still alive.  Crippled, but alive.

Well, now the sun is shining and my mood has never been better.  As such, I thought it would be a good time to introduce my readers to my newest JPA recruit, a young lass named Bai Ling.  Some of you may be familiar with Bai Ling, as she is evidently a popular actress.  She is also evidently bat-shit crazy, as I learned from one my new favorite “websites” Movieline.  As she told them:

I’m one of the best actresses. One day I will win an Oscar.

Such craziness is so rare, that I realized that she would have a place in the JPA.  In fact, she is already used to serving in the Chinese military, as she used to be in the PLA.  She will fit right in.  Plus she shares a lot in common with the other girls serving under me.  First, there is the misguided sense of fashion:

bailing

Second, there is the questionable dance skills (or skillz, if that is what the kids say these days):

My only concern is how to utilize her.  Unlike some of my other JPA ladies, I cannot imagine her working directly under me.  I mean, I wouldn’t fuck her with Zhu De’s dick, and if you know Zhu De, you know he is a peasant fucker, so you do the math.  Plus, what kind of leader would get with a crappy actress? Oh yeah, the kind that like to hang out in caves and pop sleeping pills.

Her ability to delude herself seems promising, and it seems white dudes like to bang her… maybe I will tell her that she can serve China by fucking the US military advisor that took my coat.  I bet that coat would look great with genital warts.

YXS

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JPA Recruit of the Month: Chen Yi

January 25, 2009

Hola fellow travellers of the “Net”:

How time flies these days!  Sometimes I fear I have just too much on my plate: fighting the Commies, suppressing the local press, ignoring Jiang Jieshi’s pleas for help, not to mention the everyday problems that pop up in running my beautiful Shanxi!  It is a wonder I have any “me time” at all, but I do what I can.  After all, the young ladies of Taiyuan are not going to sexually harass themselves.

But time certainly has flown, and I just realized that I have fallen behind in my JPA recruitment quotas.  As my loyal readers know, I have made a commitment to bring the best and brightest into military service.  Thus last month I drafted Wendy Deng, to serve alongside our first recruit Xiao Yun.  This month’s choice was a no brainer, as I went with a young woman who is truly sympatico with me in terms of her views on foreign relations.  Chen Yi, report for duty!

rola-chen-japan-flag

Some of you might know Chen Yi as Rola Chen, famous for being a “Super Girl.”  If you do, for shame!  There is no reason to know anything about this girl except that she enjoys lying around in her swimsuit with Chinese and Japanese flags to keep her ass from sticking to what appears to be a couch made of fine leather.  Now, I do not care if this girl can sing, or if she has any real talents at all.  All I need is a new ambassador to the Japanese here in North China.  My last envoy, believe it or not, puked on General Miyashiro after a long night of sake bombs and uni.  So much face was lost!!!

Luckily, we all know that the xiao ribenr is a horny, dirty, and perverted beast.  Until now I had no way to really capitalize on this fact, excepting my highly successful “Panties for Guns” program.  For while the fine ladies of Shanxi were willing to provide me with used undergarments to help defend the realm (I also provided them with noodle coupons), they always drew the line with crossing enemy lines.  Chen Yi, however, is the kind of solider that is willing to compromise herself for the greater good.  Congratulations on being inducted to the JPA, Chen Yi–I see great things in your future.  Oh, be sure to bring lots of panties.  Something tells me that you are going to need them!

YXS


New Training Techniques for the JPA

December 26, 2008

Loyal Readers:

I trust you are all enjoying the end of the calendar year.  My US advisors have informed me that yesterday was “Christmas,” yet another excuse for them to take off from work and indulge themselves in the holy trinity of Western sins: drinking, whoring, and feeling superior to the great Chinese race.  Needless to say, only two of these sins are acceptable, and the third will no doubt result in a dejected look on their faces when thier grandchildren only speak Chinese (and with a perfect Shanxi accent to boot).

While I have humored my American guests by considering the importation of festivals such as Halloween and Thanksgiving, Christmas is a non-starter.  We are at war with the Commies, the Japs, and I am considering opening a “cyber” front against the uptight Dutchman who dared to remove the link to my blog from my Wikipedia page.  With so much conflict, how can I ask my people to waste their resources on gifting each other presents?  That is a waste of resources that needs to be funneled to me for my purposes!

Speaking of which, I have been looking at ways to keep the JPA in top fighting shape.  As such, when I stumbled accross this wonderful creation, I knew I just had to have it:

ping-pong-door

Once I get them shipped out to Taiyuan, all JPA barracks will have all regular doors replaced with ping pong doors.  I imagine this will keep my soldiers in top fighting shape.  Man, I cannot wait for the skills they will pick up in training applied in battle.  Can you imagine one of my officers delivering a wicked back handed slap across the face of an unsuspecting Ding Ling?  Oh, even better, how about Wang Guangmei?  That would be pretty damn hot.

YXS


JPA Recruit of the Month: Wendi Deng

December 4, 2008

Faithful Readers:

As usual, I am blogging to you from my Taiyuan stronghold, surrounded by empty bottles of fenjiu and confused peasant girls.  Last night got out of hand, I must admit rather sheepishly.  Last night, in a drunken fit, I drunkenly barged into my 2nd wife’s room and demanded her services for the hour.  I know, I know.  Even if you forget about all of the young peasant girls and sex workers, I have nine wives, which means there are 8 wives younger than number 2!  Geez, she is nearly 40!  What was I thinking?

That question has haunted me all morning.  But I think I now realize that middle aged women do have their charms.  After all, they do have experience on their side.  Plus, they have to compete with the new models, so they can be rather cunning.  With that in mind, I have decided to create openings for in the JPA for women above the age of 30.  In the past, when a JPA solider reached that age, she was transferred into a less prestigious unit (aka traded to the Japanese for weapons).  Now, however, mature women with talent will be considered for positions of responsibility.

As all my current soldiers are well under 30, I have decided to draft my first mature JPA solider.  By this decree, Wendi Deng, report to Shanxi for assignment!

Now, most you probably do not know Wendi Deng, but that is only because you have never had anything that she wanted.  If, in the past, you had something she wanted, you would now know know her as “that bitch Wendi Deng that took my shit.”  Ms. Deng, in my esteemed opinion, is just the kind of immoral, conniving, backstabbing mature woman that can serve the JPA.  As a brief background, she was born Deng Wenge, but later changed her Chinese name to Deng Wendi.  For some reason, she thought the first name “Cultural Revolution” was a bad one.  I am not sure, it has a catchy ring to it.  In any case, she befriended an American couple, persuaded them to bring her to the US to study, then seduced the man, causing him to divorce his wife and marry her!  Then (and it only gets better) she divorced him, stayed in the US, and went to Yale.  Now she is married to some wealthy geezer named Rupert Murdoch.  Once again, he had been married, but not for long once he met Wendi.  I never heard of this Rupert guy, but evidently he is super rich from newspapers (long time readers know I feel about the press–kill ’em all).  Take a look at the happy couple:

wendi-deng-and-old-guy

Wow.  She must have nerves of steel to bed that dude.  I can only hope that the thought of the billions she will inherit once he kicks the bucket makes the task easier.  In any case, her ability to infiltrate the hearts of unsuspecting married white men makes her a valuable military commodity.

How will I deploy my newest JPA toy?  Not sure yet.  Her powers seem limited to Western men, who are much more forgiving of Asian women who grow old.  Stalin?  Might work.  Churchill?  Shit, just imagine if Wendi showed up in his bedroom with a dry gin martini and a three cigars.  FDR?  He certainly is sex starved, but that Eleanore would be a fierce challenge for Wendi.  Catfight, anyone?

YXS


A Warlord Gives Thanks

November 27, 2008

Faithful Readers:

As the cold frost of the Shanxi winter rapidly advances, spirits here in Taiyuan are still high.  True, the JPA have exchanged their hot pants for a more insulated long pants uniform, but the fit is still tight.  Kudos to the designer of our military garb!  True, he is a notorious homosexual, but his rampant misogyny means he truly enjoys outfitting our Shanxi ladies in the most exploitative of outfits.  You think a feminist was behind the phenomenon of women’s clothing with words on the ass?  I think not.

My US military advisors are in a particularly fine mood, as they prepare to celebrate yet another American holiday.  Sometimes they baffle me, with all of their many celebrations, none of which (as far as I can fathom) involves sweeping the graves of their ancestors.  Earlier I have blogged about my encounters with Halloween and the most odd “four and twenty” holiday.  True to form, my advisors have been encouraging me to adopt Thanksgiving here in Shanxi, in order to (in their words) prove our “civilized” status.  Please, our coal mines are more than proof of our fine civilization?  Plus, do you not see the ancient Shang dynasty ding I use as my ashtray?  Check it out, and yes this is my actual ashtray:

ashtray-of-yan-xishan

As I have told my American “friends,” the Chinese race cannot and will not simply import this barbarian holiday.  I have, however, implemented a “Thanksgiving with Chinese Characteristics.”  What does this mean?  First of all, no turkey.  What a disgusting food, most foul.  We will however, feast in our own unique way.  Inspired by the American creation of the “turducken,” I have commissioned my palace chefs to create a super jiaozi.  According to my own design, it will work like this: First, take a cabbage and pork jiaozi, than put that inside of a lamb and carrot jiaozi, and then put that inside of an egg and tomato jiaozi.  Then, deep fry that sucker.  Oh yeah.  Far superior to turkey.  The JPA, however, will most likely insist on mala hot pot.  Sad but true: I have lost more soldiers to explosive diarrhea than to actual explosives.

We will also follow American tradition by giving thanks.  I will start:

I am thankful for holding down Shanxi, the most wonderful place on earth.

I am thankful for being able to fly under the radar.  While Mao Zedong and Jiang Jieshi fight it out, I will bide my time and most certainly emerge the victor of All-Under-Heaven.

I am thankful for the recent influx of sex workers into Taiyuan.  Prices are down, choices are up, and thanks to their inexperience, VD rates are at an all time low.  Thank you, rural unrest!

I am thankful that my Beerbot is still functioning.  If it breaks, I am pretty sure that no one here in Taiyuan will be able to fix my most precious servant.

Finally, I am thankful for booze.

YXS


#5 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Han

August 23, 2008

Good Friends:

As my longtime readers may have noted, something has been wrong with the Yan Xishan Blog lately. Earthquakes, Tang dynasty magistrates, and dumbass laowai have been distracting me from my primary goal for the year. Well, I suppose my primary goals for 1941 should be wiping out the wife-sharing ideologues and convincing the 小日本儿’s to return the panties of our good Shanxi women and get the hell back to their little island chain. But beyond that, I have been attempting to educate my soldiers (and by extension the uneducated masses of the so-called “internet”) about the wonders of Chinese imperial history. I fear a future where people learn about our past from pasty-faced intellectuals who can never understand that killing peasants is not only essential in the state-building process, but fun as well! Why just last week… wait, I am getting off track again. You can see how this could happen so easily with a Great Man such as myself. Speaking of which, I am thinking that once the war is over, I will put my visage on every single monetary denomination. But for the fiver, I am thinking about this for the image: me, giving Zhou Enlai a noogie. Shit, I am getting off track again. I need to stop holding special 8:00 AM happy hours.

But this conception of myself as a Great Man is relevant to today’s topic. As I explained to my JPA troops in my most recent lecture, a truly great dynasty is defined by great men. And there were many great men in the #5 Most Impressive Chinese Dynasty, the Han. First, let’s take a look at the map:

Not bad. I have seen better, but compared to the Sui, that is nothing to sneeze at. Now, who were these great men of the Han? The first in my estimation is Liu Bang, the founder of the Han. He was of peasant origin, which is rather problematic in my estimation. As a social climber, I can dig his rise to power, but as someone who is currently the ruler of millions of peasants, I do not want them getting any big ideas. Liu Bang became the ruler of the realm by putting the beat down on the great general Xiang Yu. During the critical battle, he duped Xiang Yu into thinking that his own men had turned on him. Liu Bang did this by having his own men sing the songs of Chu, where Xiang Yu hailed from. Interesting, huh? I should note that I have some long term plans that require my JPA troops to learn Carmen Miranda songs. Just in case, you know.

My other favorite Great Man of the Han was Wudi, a later Han emperor. He was a man of action, and a great role model for powerful Chinese men everywhere. Here is a man who would never be seen holding a clutch purse. Instead, he expanded the Chinese state to the largest it ever had been, at least up to that point. What a stupendous feeling that must be… unfortunately for me to have that feeling, I think that after I unify China, I would need to then go ahead and annex Sibera. Besides being a conqueror, Wudi also knew how to get up in people’s faces. This was no distant Laozi-style ruler, but one that got right up in a peasant’s grill and said: Hey little buddy, instead of letting the market tell you how much grain costs, how about I just tell you instead?

Now, there are many other great men of the Han, espeically if we consider the warlords that emerged at the end of the period.  I am talking, of course, about men such as Cao Cao (holy shit Cao Cao just showed up at my Taiyuan palace).  But let me tell you, dear reader, no matter what radical revisionists such as Kenny Pomeranz might say, Wang Mang was no great man.  He was a punk usurper, plain and simple.  And anyone who mentions land reform, as he often did, was obviously a Commie Pinko.  I would have had him quickly introduced to my famous hay chopper.  If it was good enough for Liu Hulan…

Well, there you have it kids–a few great men of the great Han dynasty.  I am pretty sure there were some pretty groovy chicks during the Han–I hear there was this one chick Ban Zhao who could teach other chicks to be good wives, that sounds pretty cool.  Overall, what a fucking great dynasty.  But still not the greatest.  I mean, Wang Mang pretty much screwed up the second half of the thing, plus there was this whole Confucian emphasis that threatened to limit the power of the emperor.  Don’t worry folks, the best is yet to come.  Stay tuned for my future post on the #4 most impressive dynasty.

YXS


Let’s Raise Some Awareness!

June 15, 2008

Hola Followers of the Great Me:

Yes, once again a long time has past since I had the opportunity to “blog”; my apologies if you were concerned that my Shanxi supercomputer had malfunctioned, leaving me with no way to update you on the world of Taiyuan, circa 1941. There in fact was nothing wrong with my supercomputer–certainly nothing a dip in a vat of our famous Shanxi vinegar could not fix. No, I have been unable to update this most awesome of all blogs due to recent events here in the Middle Kingdom. What a tragic few months we have had here, it is enough to bring a tear to my eye. Of course I am way too dehydrated to ever cry (little known bonus effect of daily fenjiu consumption), but you get the idea.

Where to start? The damn Commies continue to gain power in the rural hinterlands. I have become increasingly exasperated–how can Mao execute so many landlords while still finding time to spread VD among his many “cultural troupes”? True multi tasking. The Guomindang is still under the control of a brain-dead leader who cannot see the brilliance of what historians will one day call “The Shanxi Way.” And the Japs–don’t even get me started on those pervs.

To add a new level of tragedy, there has recently been a major earthquake down in the Sichuan basin. Word is that you could even feel it up here in Shanxi, although I felt nothing. And when I say I felt nothing I literally felt nothing–I was passed out in my private opium den, my Shanxi Beerbot opening bottles using my nostrils. A few buildings here in Taiyuan collapsed, but that is nothing new. My nephew wins most of the contract bids around town, and I don’t mind telling you, he is as incompetent as he is corrupt. I would not even let him build me a birdhouse, although schools for the poor are another thing altogether.

Now the details of what happened down in Sichuan are pretty hazy–you have to understand that here in 1941 there is almost no mass media, and the internets is pretty haphazard at best. But it seems that in the aftermath of the earthquake, all Chinese are coming together to help our Sichuan brothers and sisters. Of the various fund raising drives, only one, however, has truly caught my eye. I speak of the work of Xiao Yun (that is Little Cloud to you laowai), a young Sichuan lass who has decided to encourage philanthropy by stripping down for the camera. Xiao Yun, take it away:

Now I could post a few more of the photos, and I am sure those of you who stumbled onto this blog by searching for “Beijing teenage hookers” (you know who you are) would be pretty excited about that. But I think this image speaks volumes–nothing says “donate to charity” like a girl stretched out on a fake sheep skin rug.

Now, some have been quick to attack Xiao Yun, saying that she is out for fame. But I applaud her willingness to use her body for the greater good. With this in mind, I hereby order Xiao Yun conscripted into the JPA. If she wants to sacrifice her body for China, she can do it on the front lines with the rest of the Juicy Pants girls. Don’t worry Xiao Yun–there will be plenty of hot pot, so you will feel right at home.

YXS