How honored I am to have you back at The Yan Xishan Blog, reading up about the ongoing struggles of China’s most powerful and handsome warlord. How deeply I regret leaving you without an update for so long. Truly you have endured a bitter winter! To be honest my winter has been long and cold. Not only was Taiyuan colder than the steely glare I give to student demonstrators before demanding their executions, but I lost my favorite winter military garb to one of my US military advisors in an ill-advised bet. Turns out that after 14 beers, I was not able to shoot an apple off of a prisoner’s head. Don’t worry, the prisoner is still alive. Crippled, but alive.
Well, now the sun is shining and my mood has never been better. As such, I thought it would be a good time to introduce my readers to my newest JPA recruit, a young lass named Bai Ling. Some of you may be familiar with Bai Ling, as she is evidently a popular actress. She is also evidently bat-shit crazy, as I learned from one my new favorite “websites” Movieline. As she told them:
I’m one of the best actresses. One day I will win an Oscar.
Such craziness is so rare, that I realized that she would have a place in the JPA. In fact, she is already used to serving in the Chinese military, as she used to be in the PLA. She will fit right in. Plus she shares a lot in common with the other girls serving under me. First, there is the misguided sense of fashion:
Second, there is the questionable dance skills (or skillz, if that is what the kids say these days):
My only concern is how to utilize her. Unlike some of my other JPA ladies, I cannot imagine her working directly under me. I mean, I wouldn’t fuck her with Zhu De’s dick, and if you know Zhu De, you know he is a peasant fucker, so you do the math. Plus, what kind of leader would get with a crappy actress? Oh yeah, the kind that like to hang out in caves and pop sleeping pills.
Her ability to delude herself seems promising, and it seems white dudes like to bang her… maybe I will tell her that she can serve China by fucking the US military advisor that took my coat. I bet that coat would look great with genital warts.