Great Men of Shanxi: Judge Dee

July 22, 2008

Ah, what a busy summer it has been!  I have been unable to update you, my dear reader, with the regularity you must surely crave, but here is a quick recap:  It has been most horribly hot here in Taiyuan, and not even my wives constant fanning and continuous service from my robotics division has been enough to keep me cool.  The heat, I must admit, has gone to my head on several occasions.  Why, just last week I flew off into a rage and had 25 communists executed via hay chopper, only to later learn they their Lu Xun study group was actually a study group and not a cover for anti-Yan Xishan activities.  Whoops!  Speaking of the dreaded Pink Threat, the JPA has been busy in that regard too.  But after months of constant battles, the Commies have finally retreated to Yan’an to share their peasant wives and pop sleeping pills.  Can final victory be just around the corner?  Stay tuned my friends.

With the lull in fighting, I have decided to educate you, loyal reader, about the greatness of Shanxi.  What’s that you say?  You already know that since I hail from this province, it must be great?  How true.  But here is what you do not know–I am not the only great man to be born from the warm bosom of Shanxi.  No, Shanxi has a long tradition of producing the finest men in China (which of course means we are the finest men in the world!).  To wit, please meet my Shanxi brother, Judge Dee–a native of Taiyuan:

Now, Judge Dee (real name Di Renjie) was an official during the Tang Dynasty.  Well, actually he served under Empress Wu’s Zhou Dynasty, but I would rather not dwell on that fact.  I mean, serving a female ruler?  Not my style.  But my boy Renjie, despite this flaw, was all man.  He was known for laying down justice, Chinese style.  Which is to say he tortured anyone he pleased, then afterwords had a few drinks and and a delicious meal.  And when I say torture, I mean torture!  Talking back to the judge?  How about 100 lashes of the heavy bamboo?  Looking suspicious?  That will be 40 lashes with the whip against your bare back. Don’t want to confess even though I know you must be guilty?  How about I slowly turn your ankles into jelly until you admit I am right about everything?

And while he served a woman, Judge Dee had what my General Bragg, my US military advisor, would call a “strong pimp hand.”  Check out his interrogation of a beautiful-yet-murderous woman:

Who knew justice could be so wonderfully raunchy?  Nowadays, thanks to brainwahsed Westernized liberals like Song Qingling, we are supposed to pretend in things like not torturing people, but this is not the Shanxi way.  Hell, it is not even the Chinese way!  Here we have a simple philosophy about justice: No evidence?  No problem!

With such a great heritage, is it any wonder that Shanxi has produced a Yan Xishan?

YXS

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