Oh Shit: The Bare Sticks Are Back!

May 2, 2010

Dear Internets:

Things are rough here in the Yan Xishan camp.  Two weeks back, after a night of heavy drinking, I was curled up on my kang, most thankful that the thick coal smoke that forms Taiyuan’s natural weather patterns was keeping the sun at bay.  Just at that moment, my #6 wife asked me to let her visit her natal family, and in my still inebriated state, I allowed her to depart.  If I was in my right mind, I never would have let her go.  Not only do I rely on her for daily massages, ear cleanings, and sexual services, but her hometown is precariously close to the damn Jin-Cha-Ji base area.  Before I even finished sobering up over my mid-day bowl of noodles and vinegar, the report came back–she had been communized!  Yes, she had disappeared into the Red Zone.  I imagine she must have at least four peasant husbands.  What an abomination!

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#3 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Qing

February 16, 2010

Greetings Peoples of the Internets:

Recently I have been chatting with my old rival and drinking buddy, Zhang Xueliang.  Of course, we have to have these “chats” via telegram, as that old mouth breather Jiang Jieshi has kept the Young Marshall under house arrest ever since the so-called “Xi’an Incident.”  But he has to be released pretty soon, I mean how long can the Generalissimo hold a grudge?  Anyway, Xueliang was telegraphing (is this what kids mean by texting?) how he just cannot wait to get out and get back to his homeland up in the Northeast.  I had to stop him right there.  Who the hell wants to go to Dongbei? Motherfuckers been wanting to get up out of there for centuries!

Seeing how ignorance was everywhere, I knew that it was time for the introduction of the #3 most impressive dynasty of all time, the glorious Qing.  As all but the most moronic know, the Qing dynasty was founded by the Manchus, bunch of gross barbarians who were able to parlay their excellence in horseback riding and archery into the temporary dominance over the great Han Chinese race.  Crazy, right?  But truth be told the Chinese empire has long been troubled by the dirty and unwashed barbarian hordes to the north.  Ever since the Xiongnu delighted to our fine silks and princesses, it has been one long struggle to remind the barbarian that yes, you can ride horses better than we can, but no, you are still a damn barbarian so keep out.

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No Mao Zedong, You Cannot Have the JPA

October 8, 2009

Hola Friends:

You know, I have had my share of problems with the Communists.  Fundamentally, we disagree on a number of critical issues, and these are disagreements that will never be overcome.  They want to communize my many wives, concubines, female friends, and various sex workers so that the peasant hordes will not have to engage in “alternative sexual survival strategies” (that is to say, two peasant dudes doing each other in the butt, then sharing their only lice-infested padded cotton jacket while they cuddle on an unheated kang).  Sorry, not going to happen!  And so they plot to overthrow me, and I root out their spies and agents, executing them in an increasingly inventive manner.

But if Mao Zedong and his fellow Soviet running dogs hate me so much, why the fuck are they imitating me?  No, they have not given up their sleeping pills for fenjiu, I speak of what I saw during one of thier recent parades.  Don’t ask me what they were celebrating… maybe Jiang Qing got the lead in the CCP’s new Gone with the Wind production?  Anyway, take a look at  this:

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New Propaganda Posters for the Commies

February 22, 2009

Hola My Friends:

Just came across this on the “net” and thought I should share it with everyone.  I was going to print out a few thousand of them to spread around Shanxi to discredit the Commies, but who am I kidding?  Let me tell you, peasants just don’t understand.

chairman-meow

That said, I think those fools over in Yan’an would be better off following a feline–at least they know a few basic facts about hygiene.

YXS


Great Men of Shanxi: Duke Wen of Jin

October 7, 2008

Readers:

As usual, a long time has passed since I last had the pleasure of lecturing to the unwashed internet masses about the comings and goings of your favorite warlord.  And as usual, I am not to blame.  Where to start?  All three of the Song sisters have been drunk dialing my Taiyuan palace.  It seems they have no idea how expensive it is to operate a working phone system out here in Shanxi–and in the middle of a war to boot!  I might just have to raise taxes on noodles to pay for their inane blabbering.  Meanwhile, all across my territory I face the constant threat of the further disintegration of political unity. Fucking peasants.

As such, I have lately been thinking about another great man of Shanxi, one who knew how to keep peasants in line.  Previously I introduced you to Judge Dee, a Shanxi native that raised the art of torturing “suspects” to an art form, and a kinky art form at that.  Today I would like to introduce you to one of the earliest Shanxi greats, a powerful statesman known to history as Duke Wen of Jin (晉文公):

Duke Wen is also known as Double Ears (重耳), but I just call him a kick-ass hegemon.  You see, Duke Wen lived during the Spring and Autumn era, when all of China was fragmenting into all of these pathetically tiny states.  He was the ruler of Jin, which being located in what today’s Shanxi, was clearly the most awesome of the states.  But was he content with being ruler of Jin?  Not quite.  He would expand his armies and then expand his state, bringing in lesser states to make Jin even more awesome.  He eventually became one of the “5 Hegemons,” rising to a position of supreme power and holding together the Zhou order.  Truly a role model for all of us.  Or at least for those of us who are rulers from Shanxi.

There are plenty of great stories about Duke Wen, including a funny tale where he accidentally ate his friend’s thigh.  But my favorite tale is as follows: When he was a young buck on the rise, he had to take shelter in the state of Chu.  As a sign of his gratitude, he promised the ruler of Chu that if the two states went to war in the future, he would retreat a distance of a three day march, and only then fight.  Sure enough, after Duke Wen was in control of Jin, war with Chu came, and true to his word he retreated.  But after seeing that Chu still wanted a showdown, he used his retreat to lure the Chu troops to press thier attack in a reckless fashion.  The result was a bunch of dead Chu nobles.  I sometimes wonder what it would be like to kill nobles instead of peasants.  Anyway, to be a man of honor, and yet still find ways to trick your opponent and then kill them?  A great man indeed.

YXS


#5 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Han

August 23, 2008

Good Friends:

As my longtime readers may have noted, something has been wrong with the Yan Xishan Blog lately. Earthquakes, Tang dynasty magistrates, and dumbass laowai have been distracting me from my primary goal for the year. Well, I suppose my primary goals for 1941 should be wiping out the wife-sharing ideologues and convincing the 小日本儿’s to return the panties of our good Shanxi women and get the hell back to their little island chain. But beyond that, I have been attempting to educate my soldiers (and by extension the uneducated masses of the so-called “internet”) about the wonders of Chinese imperial history. I fear a future where people learn about our past from pasty-faced intellectuals who can never understand that killing peasants is not only essential in the state-building process, but fun as well! Why just last week… wait, I am getting off track again. You can see how this could happen so easily with a Great Man such as myself. Speaking of which, I am thinking that once the war is over, I will put my visage on every single monetary denomination. But for the fiver, I am thinking about this for the image: me, giving Zhou Enlai a noogie. Shit, I am getting off track again. I need to stop holding special 8:00 AM happy hours.

But this conception of myself as a Great Man is relevant to today’s topic. As I explained to my JPA troops in my most recent lecture, a truly great dynasty is defined by great men. And there were many great men in the #5 Most Impressive Chinese Dynasty, the Han. First, let’s take a look at the map:

Not bad. I have seen better, but compared to the Sui, that is nothing to sneeze at. Now, who were these great men of the Han? The first in my estimation is Liu Bang, the founder of the Han. He was of peasant origin, which is rather problematic in my estimation. As a social climber, I can dig his rise to power, but as someone who is currently the ruler of millions of peasants, I do not want them getting any big ideas. Liu Bang became the ruler of the realm by putting the beat down on the great general Xiang Yu. During the critical battle, he duped Xiang Yu into thinking that his own men had turned on him. Liu Bang did this by having his own men sing the songs of Chu, where Xiang Yu hailed from. Interesting, huh? I should note that I have some long term plans that require my JPA troops to learn Carmen Miranda songs. Just in case, you know.

My other favorite Great Man of the Han was Wudi, a later Han emperor. He was a man of action, and a great role model for powerful Chinese men everywhere. Here is a man who would never be seen holding a clutch purse. Instead, he expanded the Chinese state to the largest it ever had been, at least up to that point. What a stupendous feeling that must be… unfortunately for me to have that feeling, I think that after I unify China, I would need to then go ahead and annex Sibera. Besides being a conqueror, Wudi also knew how to get up in people’s faces. This was no distant Laozi-style ruler, but one that got right up in a peasant’s grill and said: Hey little buddy, instead of letting the market tell you how much grain costs, how about I just tell you instead?

Now, there are many other great men of the Han, espeically if we consider the warlords that emerged at the end of the period.  I am talking, of course, about men such as Cao Cao (holy shit Cao Cao just showed up at my Taiyuan palace).  But let me tell you, dear reader, no matter what radical revisionists such as Kenny Pomeranz might say, Wang Mang was no great man.  He was a punk usurper, plain and simple.  And anyone who mentions land reform, as he often did, was obviously a Commie Pinko.  I would have had him quickly introduced to my famous hay chopper.  If it was good enough for Liu Hulan…

Well, there you have it kids–a few great men of the great Han dynasty.  I am pretty sure there were some pretty groovy chicks during the Han–I hear there was this one chick Ban Zhao who could teach other chicks to be good wives, that sounds pretty cool.  Overall, what a fucking great dynasty.  But still not the greatest.  I mean, Wang Mang pretty much screwed up the second half of the thing, plus there was this whole Confucian emphasis that threatened to limit the power of the emperor.  Don’t worry folks, the best is yet to come.  Stay tuned for my future post on the #4 most impressive dynasty.

YXS


#6 Most Impressive Dyansty: the Ming

May 15, 2008

Sons and Daughters of the Order of Yan Xishan,

Welcome again to my ongoing rundown of the greatest dynasties in the history of the world’s most awesome and super-duper civilization, that of the Chinese. Did you know that we invented everything? We did. Name a thing. What was that you said? Gunpowder? Kites? The Hay Chopper Chop? We totally invented all of those–hell, I was even personally responsible for one of these inventions, and you can be sure that it was not the kite that sprang from the mind of your favorite warlord.

Now, it is true that our rate of inventions has slowed down a bit. Ever since the Song dynasty, China has been plagued by a horrible curse, for you see we are forced to deal with millions and millions of poor peasants. With so many of these damn peasants, all of whom were willing to labor all day for peanuts (or the equivalent rate in rice), there really was no need to develop new agricultural techniques or pretty much any other labor saving device. Hell, it seemed downright anti-Confucian to deny our beloved peasants their enjoyable back-breaking labor by re-inventing the water wheel. But as I explained in my recent lecture to the JPA, this does not mean that Chinese invention stopped. No, we glorious Chinese turned our keen minds to other forms of invention.

So it was with the founder of the Ming dynasty, ranked number #6 in this definitive countdown of the greatest Chinese dynasties to ever rule All Under Heaven. For this great and wise man, known to us as Zhu Yuanzhang, recast the imperial state. First, a bit about the man:

Zhu Yuanzhang, Founder of the Ming

Zhu Yuanzhang, as you can see, was no 花花公子. He was even more pockmarked than Jiang Jieshi’s favorite Shanghai gangster. In that sense, I have trouble relating to him, for I am a dapper gentleman of the highest order. Well, that is not entirely true–I should not really say that I am a gentleman, only that I know how to act like one when needed. I am, however, a damn fine looking man–although I am not sure why I need to remind you of this, you have seen my photos.

Anyway, Zhu Yuanzhang was ugly, but he was a genius. He basically re-invented the imperial state, creating an autocratic and authoritarian regime that power hungry and paranoid rulers have been enjoying ever since. In the past, emperors had to listen to their ministers. But once Zhu solved this problem by cutting off the head of his government; he did so literally, making me think he would be a fan of my patented Hay Chopper Chop. I mean, once the Prime Minister has no head, how the hell is he going to complain about the increasing diversion of flood control funds into the fenjiu shush fund?

Alas, the state he created was not without flaws. First, it was small:

I mean, it could be worse. But really, what happened to West China? Tibet? Hello? Anyone there? It seems Zhu Yuanzhang misunderstood “All Under Heaven” as meaning “This Small Pathetic Part of All Under Heaven.” Trust me, that is not a mistake I will make. As I noted after meeting the Dalai Lama, I am still undecided about invading Tibet. On one hand, having it does make the map much more impressive. On the other hand, yak butter tea (ugh, I just threw up a bit). In any case, Zhu Yuanzhang never even dared to venture west as I have, and for that I look down at him like the pock-marked porcine caricature that he is.

The real problem with the Ming, however, is that Zhu Yuanzhan’s offspring were royal fuck-ups. They make Puyi look like Kangxi, if you get my meaning. When you put all power in the hands of the ruler and reduce the officials to a bunch of yellow bellied fools dragging their coffins to court, you best have a damn competent ruler. But Zhu Yuanzhang’s descendants were not fit to manage a Shanxi noodle shop. Take for example Zhu Houzhao, better known as the Wuzong Emperor. Houzhao didn’t like to study, loved war games, and boozed his life away. Now, I imagine you are wondering what could be wrong with boozing–nothing in the abstract, but ol’ Wuzong got so loaded he fell out of a fishing boat and died from complications. Now, if you are too stupid to figure out how to safely pass out on your kang, how the hell you gonna run a damn empire?

Indeed.

YXS

PS–Note to self, make sure my offspring are not total fuck ups.