Oh Shit: The Bare Sticks Are Back!

May 2, 2010

Dear Internets:

Things are rough here in the Yan Xishan camp.  Two weeks back, after a night of heavy drinking, I was curled up on my kang, most thankful that the thick coal smoke that forms Taiyuan’s natural weather patterns was keeping the sun at bay.  Just at that moment, my #6 wife asked me to let her visit her natal family, and in my still inebriated state, I allowed her to depart.  If I was in my right mind, I never would have let her go.  Not only do I rely on her for daily massages, ear cleanings, and sexual services, but her hometown is precariously close to the damn Jin-Cha-Ji base area.  Before I even finished sobering up over my mid-day bowl of noodles and vinegar, the report came back–she had been communized!  Yes, she had disappeared into the Red Zone.  I imagine she must have at least four peasant husbands.  What an abomination!

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Top Ten Chinese Thinkers #7: Mao Zedong

May 15, 2007

YXS Fans,

Time to get back to business–the top ten Chinese thinkers list continues. Been getting a lot of feedback on the list, although not all of my readers have been contributing to the discussion. Many of you are loyal readers, but others stumble upon my site after Googling “Mongolian teenage hookers.” I encourage both groups to bring something to the table–you are all my soldiers, and a good warlord takes care of his men.

Speaking of which, taking care of his men is something that the #7 all-time Chinese thinker also does, although we go about it in different ways. I ensure my soldiers have plenty of booze and loot, while he gives his men plenty of reading material and 5% ownership of a communal wife. That is right, I am talking about this highly airbrushed guy:

mzd

“Chairman” Mao

 

Given the choice, you would think that any peasant with half of a brain would choose the loot and booze over an extended study session and a night with a communal wife every twenty days, but here is where Mao shows his genius: he offers his men the “wife lottery,” in that if the so-called “revolution” succeeds, there is a chance they could be sharing one of my many wives! Brilliant!

Throughout his career Mao has shown a capability for “outside the box” thinking. Take his idea of class warfare–Mao is a rich peasant! I could never have conjured the idea of turning on my own class, subjecting them to humiliating struggle and taking away their property. I guess that is why some have dubbed Mao “the dreamer.”

I am also a fan of Mao’s leadership style. Much like myself, he is not afraid of putting a subordinate in line or taking a few extra perks. Although what is up with the endless sleeping pills Mao? Ever even heard of fenjiu? And then there are the ladies. Here Mao cracks me up–he keeps on telling me that having nine wives is feudal, but what am I supposed to do? I guess I lack his ability to get my wives executed in a timely manner so I can get remarried. And don’t get me started on his new wife, Jiang Qing. The last I heard she was organizing an all-peasant stage production of Gone With the Wind. If he is smart he will accidentally “leave her behind” during my next mopping up campaign so that I can give her the patented “Shanxi Hay Chopper Chop.” If it was good enough for Liu Hulan, I am sure it is good enough for her.

The recap….

Pro:

1. Outside the box thinking in biting the hand that fed him

2. Genius in promoting the hope of sleeping with my wives

3. Ahead of his time in treating his VD by sleeping with more peasants

Con:

1. Good chance he is stealing his ideas from Chen Boda

2. Latest choice of wives is “problematic”

3. Gave VD to four of my six favorite Changsha sex workers

To be honest it is the last con that really burns me. Well, the burning has stopped, but you get the idea.

YXS

 

 

 

 


Top Ten Chinese Thinkers: #10 Sun Zhongshan

May 8, 2007

Loyal Readers,

After my recent comments on Kongzi, many of my fans wrote in asking for guidance. If Kongzi was unworthy of emulation, who might they turn to? In this light, I have decided to countdown the 10 greatest Chinese thinkers. These are the men whose minds helped shaped generations–not just in China but across the globe. And to be fair, I do respect Kongzi–I just don’t think he is the best model for the modern age. So he will probably turn up somewhere on this list. But first, we start with my #10 selection:

SYS

Sun Zhongshan, also known as Sun Yat-sen

Some might question my choice to put old Sun at the bottom of this list. Is he not, after all, the “Father of the Chinese Revolution”? In a word, no. Now, I joined Sun’s Tongmenghui way back in the day, back when we were all in Japan pounding sake and visiting Tokyo’s red light district (FYI your boy Sun could not hold his booze and had a few fetishes that even surprised the Japanese). So I am very much qualified to pass judgment on Sun Zhongshan, or Sonny as I called him.

You see, he had the most amazing ability to repeatedly fail–he was the original “cut and runner.” Every time he tried to overthrow those stinking Manchus, he would fail. Except he would never be there to face punishment, as he would be hiding out in HK. And when we finally brought down the Qing, where was he? Colorado, just where he was needed. What a joke. You know who the real Father of Chinese Revolution is? That’s right, Yan Xishan. But Stillwell, in a conversation with Fairbank, once drunkenly called me the “Stepchild of the Chinese Revolution” and I have yet to escape this stigma. Is it fair? No, but I live with it–we all have our crosses I guess.

So, final analysis of Sun Zhongshan….

Pro:

1. Married a woman young enough to be his daughter.

2. 3 Principles of the People (uninspired and never implemented, but hey it was something).

Con:

1. Best skills: Retreating and avoiding conflicts

2. Possibly married a Soviet Agent in Song Qingling

3. Created the conditions for decades of civil war

It is number 2 on the con list that really gets me. I mean, if you are going to deliver your nation to the Red Menace, at least do it via a Eastern European redhead named Natasha. That is the classy way to go about these things. So sorry Sonny, you barely make the list at #10.


Student Organizations=n00bs to be PWN’d

April 28, 2007

Man, when will it ever end?

Just when I think I have the Pinko threat in check, guess what? Some lefty leaning kids decide they want to protest me! I mean, what have I not done for Shanxi? These punk kids think they could do a better job running my finely tuned military machine? LOL!!!

So there I was, having a sweet military parade through Taiyuan, and here come a bunch of pansy az’d agitators, all trying to say like, “Yan Xishan, you a n00b” and I was like, “oh yeah, well, you arrested!” Then I had them shot. PWND!!! LOL

Now that I schooled those fools, I am sure the rest of those Nancy-boys will fly straight, leaving me to focus my energies on getting my homie Zhang Xueliang out of the slammer. Yo, Jiang Jieshi, let my homie go! Jus cause he straight up ganked you in Xian, you gots to get all girly. Straight up, my boy Xueliang is the Chinese James Brown of the1940s, so free him before you getz PWN’d like fool you is.


Real Revolutionaries Representing

April 27, 2007

As loyal readers of my old blog know, I have long been locked in a power struggle over my native Shanxi with two evil forces: the Commies and the forces of Jiang Jieshi. I would repeat our past struggles, but time moves on.

I recently had to dispatch a Pinko Journalist to the great Shanxi in the Sky. Had a great time doing it too, using my patented Hay Chopper Chop. (Not even Randy Macho Man Savage would stand a chance. Even Andre the Giant’s thick neck would be severed like a stalk of gaoliang) So, end of problem, right? Turns out this loser was just the tool of his fatty girlfriend, Ding Ling. Seems Ding “A” Ling has been attacking me from her hideout in Yan’an, calling me a “counterrevolutionary” and “feudal.” Like the fact that I have nine wives proves anything.

The worst part is, I am the true revolutionary. I traveled to Japan in 1904 to study military theory, and the next year I joined the Tongmenghui with none other than Sun Yat-sen. We were committed to overthrowing the Qing Dynasty, and guess what fatso, we did it! Well, I did it… good ol’ Sun was “conveniently” on a train in Colorado when the shizznit hit the fan. Afterwards I took control over Shanxi, and have been implementing the Revolution, YXS syle.

So until you have overthrown a centuries old imperial system, STFU. Those of us who have, represent!