Patriotic Masturbation

November 27, 2009

Dearest Readers:

My deepest apologies for not updating my “blog” sooner, but I had been away from Taiyuan, which, I am proud to say, is quite lovely this time of year.  Just this morning I was lounging on my extra large kang, watching a private performance from one of my favorite local opera stars (a lovely lass, but only when in full make-up, a long story indeed), looking out into the frigid city, which was choked with coal smoke, and I exclaimed how happy I was to be back in Shanxi.

You see, I have just returned from a super top-secret meeting in Chongqing with my fellow KMT leaders, deciding on how to best pretend to resist Japan while secretly crushing the Red Menace.  I cannot tell you the details of the plan, but it involves this odd creation I learned from your internets, some sort of food that is passed off as Chinese food and has the odd moniker “Orange Chicken.”  Perhaps you have heard of it?  We certainly do not have it in China, but I plan to have my chefs perfect this dish and introduce it into CCP territory, starting with the Jin-Cha-Ji base area.  After eating this crap, it is just a matter of time before Mao and his wife sharing peasant hordes drop dead from malnutrition. Surely this is the most brilliant military plan ever hatched over hotpot!

Read the rest of this entry »


Let’s Raise Some Awareness!

June 15, 2008

Hola Followers of the Great Me:

Yes, once again a long time has past since I had the opportunity to “blog”; my apologies if you were concerned that my Shanxi supercomputer had malfunctioned, leaving me with no way to update you on the world of Taiyuan, circa 1941. There in fact was nothing wrong with my supercomputer–certainly nothing a dip in a vat of our famous Shanxi vinegar could not fix. No, I have been unable to update this most awesome of all blogs due to recent events here in the Middle Kingdom. What a tragic few months we have had here, it is enough to bring a tear to my eye. Of course I am way too dehydrated to ever cry (little known bonus effect of daily fenjiu consumption), but you get the idea.

Where to start? The damn Commies continue to gain power in the rural hinterlands. I have become increasingly exasperated–how can Mao execute so many landlords while still finding time to spread VD among his many “cultural troupes”? True multi tasking. The Guomindang is still under the control of a brain-dead leader who cannot see the brilliance of what historians will one day call “The Shanxi Way.” And the Japs–don’t even get me started on those pervs.

To add a new level of tragedy, there has recently been a major earthquake down in the Sichuan basin. Word is that you could even feel it up here in Shanxi, although I felt nothing. And when I say I felt nothing I literally felt nothing–I was passed out in my private opium den, my Shanxi Beerbot opening bottles using my nostrils. A few buildings here in Taiyuan collapsed, but that is nothing new. My nephew wins most of the contract bids around town, and I don’t mind telling you, he is as incompetent as he is corrupt. I would not even let him build me a birdhouse, although schools for the poor are another thing altogether.

Now the details of what happened down in Sichuan are pretty hazy–you have to understand that here in 1941 there is almost no mass media, and the internets is pretty haphazard at best. But it seems that in the aftermath of the earthquake, all Chinese are coming together to help our Sichuan brothers and sisters. Of the various fund raising drives, only one, however, has truly caught my eye. I speak of the work of Xiao Yun (that is Little Cloud to you laowai), a young Sichuan lass who has decided to encourage philanthropy by stripping down for the camera. Xiao Yun, take it away:

Now I could post a few more of the photos, and I am sure those of you who stumbled onto this blog by searching for “Beijing teenage hookers” (you know who you are) would be pretty excited about that. But I think this image speaks volumes–nothing says “donate to charity” like a girl stretched out on a fake sheep skin rug.

Now, some have been quick to attack Xiao Yun, saying that she is out for fame. But I applaud her willingness to use her body for the greater good. With this in mind, I hereby order Xiao Yun conscripted into the JPA. If she wants to sacrifice her body for China, she can do it on the front lines with the rest of the Juicy Pants girls. Don’t worry Xiao Yun–there will be plenty of hot pot, so you will feel right at home.

YXS