#3 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Qing

Greetings Peoples of the Internets:

Recently I have been chatting with my old rival and drinking buddy, Zhang Xueliang.  Of course, we have to have these “chats” via telegram, as that old mouth breather Jiang Jieshi has kept the Young Marshall under house arrest ever since the so-called “Xi’an Incident.”  But he has to be released pretty soon, I mean how long can the Generalissimo hold a grudge?  Anyway, Xueliang was telegraphing (is this what kids mean by texting?) how he just cannot wait to get out and get back to his homeland up in the Northeast.  I had to stop him right there.  Who the hell wants to go to Dongbei? Motherfuckers been wanting to get up out of there for centuries!

Seeing how ignorance was everywhere, I knew that it was time for the introduction of the #3 most impressive dynasty of all time, the glorious Qing.  As all but the most moronic know, the Qing dynasty was founded by the Manchus, bunch of gross barbarians who were able to parlay their excellence in horseback riding and archery into the temporary dominance over the great Han Chinese race.  Crazy, right?  But truth be told the Chinese empire has long been troubled by the dirty and unwashed barbarian hordes to the north.  Ever since the Xiongnu delighted to our fine silks and princesses, it has been one long struggle to remind the barbarian that yes, you can ride horses better than we can, but no, you are still a damn barbarian so keep out.

#4 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Tang

Gentle Readers:

Last night, gazing over the beautiful Taiyuan skyline as the sun set to the west of my fortified palace, watching the sun dip below the fragrant haze created by my coal mines, my mind wandered and I began to ponder some of the big questions that have been on my mind since I was a young lad.  Who or what created us?   Was Hong Xiuquan fucking crazy, or was he actually bat-shit crazy?  Why is it that I was destined for greatness, while peasants are destined to farm using their own shit as fertilizer?  Who put that stick up Jiang Jieshi’s ass?  Does Mao Zedong realize that with his accent, he sounds like a little bitch?

As I pondered my role in this world, and my status as a great Chinese leader (and the #1 Chinese thinker), this led me to a new line of inquiry: What is it that defines us as Chinese?  Not in terms of nationality, as this is a simple question.  In terms of nation, China refers to the great Han race and all those minorities lucky enough to be crushed by our superior numbers and hot pot technology.  No, as I pondered the meaning of “Chinese,” I was reflecting on the role of culture.

Now, when I was a young man, Chinese culture was a simple matter.  Drink tea, quote Zhu Xi whenever possible, eat rice, cripple your daughter by binding her feet, and repeat until you croak and your many sons mourn you for three years.  But within my lifetime, so much has changed!  Sure, we still got the rice thing, but nowadays Zhu Xi is out, and Ibsen is in.  And if you bind your daughter’s feet, you are considered a serious asshole.  A few decades ago, if you could not freely pontificate about the “investigation of things” while your womenfolk hobbled about within the seclusion of your estate, you would not be considered Chinese.  These days?  So much has changed!

Now, of course I am thankful for this change.  I mean, I rule Shanxi, so the whole end of the imperial era thing has kind of worked out for me.  Plus, I like a real active sex partner, and women with bound feet really cannot do some of the real freaky shit that I enjoy.  Yes, I know, this makes me a feminist, don’t remind me.  But if we cannot take Chinese culture and fossilize it, how can we ever be sure how to separate the great Chinese from the dirty, stinky, and typically hairy barbarian?  After worrying about this for a few hours, I finally relaxed, thanks to two things.  First was a stiff fenjiu cocktail, second was my memories of the #4 dynasty of all time, the great Tang dynasty!

The Tang was truly a great time.  First, as you can see, this was a large dynasty, one that extended a Chinese bitch slap all the way into Inner Asia along the Silk Road.  But what really appeals to me about the Tang was that this was a different China, one would have been unrecognizable to my parents and their generation.  That punk Zhu Xi had not yet put the Neo in Neo-Confucianism.  Women did not yet bind their feet, which meant when you sexed up Yang Guifei, she could do all your favorite positions!  Perhaps most importantly, China was open to other cultures and ideologies–Confucianism was actually taking a back seat to Buddhism!  Crazy.  But if China was culturally so different during one of its greatest eras (specifically, the #4 era ever), then China can change and grow!   This is great news for my plan to replace tea drinking with bourbon guzzling.

Now, the Tang is often considered to be the #1 dynasty of all time.  Close, but not quite.  How can we overlook the fact that the Tang was breifly usurped by the only female emperor in Chinese history?  Thanks to the so-called Empress Wu, the Tang has a black eye that cannot be covered up.  Good thing that I am a feminist, because I can come out and say what all Chinese men know, even us feminists: Women cannot rule All Under Heaven!   All Under My Pants, yes, but not All Under Heaven.

YXS

#5 Most Impressive Dynasty: The Han

Good Friends:

As my longtime readers may have noted, something has been wrong with the Yan Xishan Blog lately. Earthquakes, Tang dynasty magistrates, and dumbass laowai have been distracting me from my primary goal for the year. Well, I suppose my primary goals for 1941 should be wiping out the wife-sharing ideologues and convincing the 小日本儿’s to return the panties of our good Shanxi women and get the hell back to their little island chain. But beyond that, I have been attempting to educate my soldiers (and by extension the uneducated masses of the so-called “internet”) about the wonders of Chinese imperial history. I fear a future where people learn about our past from pasty-faced intellectuals who can never understand that killing peasants is not only essential in the state-building process, but fun as well! Why just last week… wait, I am getting off track again. You can see how this could happen so easily with a Great Man such as myself. Speaking of which, I am thinking that once the war is over, I will put my visage on every single monetary denomination. But for the fiver, I am thinking about this for the image: me, giving Zhou Enlai a noogie. Shit, I am getting off track again. I need to stop holding special 8:00 AM happy hours.

But this conception of myself as a Great Man is relevant to today’s topic. As I explained to my JPA troops in my most recent lecture, a truly great dynasty is defined by great men. And there were many great men in the #5 Most Impressive Chinese Dynasty, the Han. First, let’s take a look at the map:

Not bad. I have seen better, but compared to the Sui, that is nothing to sneeze at. Now, who were these great men of the Han? The first in my estimation is Liu Bang, the founder of the Han. He was of peasant origin, which is rather problematic in my estimation. As a social climber, I can dig his rise to power, but as someone who is currently the ruler of millions of peasants, I do not want them getting any big ideas. Liu Bang became the ruler of the realm by putting the beat down on the great general Xiang Yu. During the critical battle, he duped Xiang Yu into thinking that his own men had turned on him. Liu Bang did this by having his own men sing the songs of Chu, where Xiang Yu hailed from. Interesting, huh? I should note that I have some long term plans that require my JPA troops to learn Carmen Miranda songs. Just in case, you know.

My other favorite Great Man of the Han was Wudi, a later Han emperor. He was a man of action, and a great role model for powerful Chinese men everywhere. Here is a man who would never be seen holding a clutch purse. Instead, he expanded the Chinese state to the largest it ever had been, at least up to that point. What a stupendous feeling that must be… unfortunately for me to have that feeling, I think that after I unify China, I would need to then go ahead and annex Sibera. Besides being a conqueror, Wudi also knew how to get up in people’s faces. This was no distant Laozi-style ruler, but one that got right up in a peasant’s grill and said: Hey little buddy, instead of letting the market tell you how much grain costs, how about I just tell you instead?

Now, there are many other great men of the Han, espeically if we consider the warlords that emerged at the end of the period.  I am talking, of course, about men such as Cao Cao (holy shit Cao Cao just showed up at my Taiyuan palace).  But let me tell you, dear reader, no matter what radical revisionists such as Kenny Pomeranz might say, Wang Mang was no great man.  He was a punk usurper, plain and simple.  And anyone who mentions land reform, as he often did, was obviously a Commie Pinko.  I would have had him quickly introduced to my famous hay chopper.  If it was good enough for Liu Hulan…

Well, there you have it kids–a few great men of the great Han dynasty.  I am pretty sure there were some pretty groovy chicks during the Han–I hear there was this one chick Ban Zhao who could teach other chicks to be good wives, that sounds pretty cool.  Overall, what a fucking great dynasty.  But still not the greatest.  I mean, Wang Mang pretty much screwed up the second half of the thing, plus there was this whole Confucian emphasis that threatened to limit the power of the emperor.  Don’t worry folks, the best is yet to come.  Stay tuned for my future post on the #4 most impressive dynasty.

YXS

#6 Most Impressive Dyansty: the Ming

Sons and Daughters of the Order of Yan Xishan,

Welcome again to my ongoing rundown of the greatest dynasties in the history of the world’s most awesome and super-duper civilization, that of the Chinese. Did you know that we invented everything? We did. Name a thing. What was that you said? Gunpowder? Kites? The Hay Chopper Chop? We totally invented all of those–hell, I was even personally responsible for one of these inventions, and you can be sure that it was not the kite that sprang from the mind of your favorite warlord.

Now, it is true that our rate of inventions has slowed down a bit. Ever since the Song dynasty, China has been plagued by a horrible curse, for you see we are forced to deal with millions and millions of poor peasants. With so many of these damn peasants, all of whom were willing to labor all day for peanuts (or the equivalent rate in rice), there really was no need to develop new agricultural techniques or pretty much any other labor saving device. Hell, it seemed downright anti-Confucian to deny our beloved peasants their enjoyable back-breaking labor by re-inventing the water wheel. But as I explained in my recent lecture to the JPA, this does not mean that Chinese invention stopped. No, we glorious Chinese turned our keen minds to other forms of invention.

So it was with the founder of the Ming dynasty, ranked number #6 in this definitive countdown of the greatest Chinese dynasties to ever rule All Under Heaven. For this great and wise man, known to us as Zhu Yuanzhang, recast the imperial state. First, a bit about the man:

Zhu Yuanzhang, as you can see, was no 花花公子. He was even more pockmarked than Jiang Jieshi’s favorite Shanghai gangster. In that sense, I have trouble relating to him, for I am a dapper gentleman of the highest order. Well, that is not entirely true–I should not really say that I am a gentleman, only that I know how to act like one when needed. I am, however, a damn fine looking man–although I am not sure why I need to remind you of this, you have seen my photos.

Anyway, Zhu Yuanzhang was ugly, but he was a genius. He basically re-invented the imperial state, creating an autocratic and authoritarian regime that power hungry and paranoid rulers have been enjoying ever since. In the past, emperors had to listen to their ministers. But once Zhu solved this problem by cutting off the head of his government; he did so literally, making me think he would be a fan of my patented Hay Chopper Chop. I mean, once the Prime Minister has no head, how the hell is he going to complain about the increasing diversion of flood control funds into the fenjiu shush fund?

Alas, the state he created was not without flaws. First, it was small:

I mean, it could be worse. But really, what happened to West China? Tibet? Hello? Anyone there? It seems Zhu Yuanzhang misunderstood “All Under Heaven” as meaning “This Small Pathetic Part of All Under Heaven.” Trust me, that is not a mistake I will make. As I noted after meeting the Dalai Lama, I am still undecided about invading Tibet. On one hand, having it does make the map much more impressive. On the other hand, yak butter tea (ugh, I just threw up a bit). In any case, Zhu Yuanzhang never even dared to venture west as I have, and for that I look down at him like the pock-marked porcine caricature that he is.

The real problem with the Ming, however, is that Zhu Yuanzhan’s offspring were royal fuck-ups. They make Puyi look like Kangxi, if you get my meaning. When you put all power in the hands of the ruler and reduce the officials to a bunch of yellow bellied fools dragging their coffins to court, you best have a damn competent ruler. But Zhu Yuanzhang’s descendants were not fit to manage a Shanxi noodle shop. Take for example Zhu Houzhao, better known as the Wuzong Emperor. Houzhao didn’t like to study, loved war games, and boozed his life away. Now, I imagine you are wondering what could be wrong with boozing–nothing in the abstract, but ol’ Wuzong got so loaded he fell out of a fishing boat and died from complications. Now, if you are too stupid to figure out how to safely pass out on your kang, how the hell you gonna run a damn empire?

Indeed.

YXS

PS–Note to self, make sure my offspring are not total fuck ups.

#7 Most Impressive Dyansty: the Zhou

Eternal Fans of the Powerful Yan Xishan,

I know what you are thinking. It probably goes something along these lines: “Damn Yan Xishan, how can you keep me waiting for so long between your brilliant posts? My life is fucking stupid without your wisdom to brighten my day!”

Yes, I know it has been a long time. But what can I say, I have been distracted as of late. First, Wang Jingwei is attempting to bribe me, hoping I will join up with his puppet-ass state. No way that will ever happen–Yan Xishan put Shanxi together proper like, and Yan Xishan only trusts Yan Xishan–but it is fun to get his hopes up. Shit, he has not been this optimistic since Hu Hanmin got sent to Russia back in 1925. I will probably string him along for a few more weeks, as I am quite enjoying the sake he has been sending me. I have also been a bit busy with one of my newest JPA recruits. I will not go into detail, but let’s just say she sure knows how to polish my Mauser. Hmm, that is kind of filthy. Let’s just say she sure knows how to establish hegemony over my territory. That does not quite work…. Let’s just say she sure knows how to dredge my wasteland, reclaim it as a productive agricultural field, rent it out at high rates, and avoid taxes on it to boot.

Now that we are all caught up, here is my latest JPA history lecture in my “Top Dynasties” series. We are at number seven, and (drum roll please) the number seven spot goes to the Zhou dynasty. Now, I am sure Confucius is spinning in his grave (unless the Commies have somehow managed to dig up his grave and use his bones as drumsticks in their hippie drum circles) as I write this, because that damn Kongzi was all about praising the Zhou dynasty to anyone who would listen. I have already explained how Confucius was a punk here and here, but suffice it to say he was, like all educators, a total assfrog. So you will have to forgive me for disagreeing with Confucius and telling you that the Zhou dynasty was not the imperial equivalent to sliced mantou.

Why was this the case? First of all, the Zhou founders were moralistic bastards. They overthrew the Shang because they were power hungry, but used sissy moralist rhetoric to justify their actions. Thus they called out the Shang for loving to party, and those of us who love booze and whores have been fighting for repsect ever since. Check out this painting of the Shang rulers:

Now, I do not know about you, but if you ask me these guys look like they know how to party. And while they seem a bit tame when compared to myself and my inner circle, I bet they could at least go a few rounds before passing out being dragged out of my Taiyuan citadel.

Having unjustly overthrown the good-time-party-boys of the Shang, the Zhou had to explain why they did so, and what they came up with was the “Mandate of Heaven.” Basically, this theory holds that Heaven is always judging you, and if the ruler has too much fun Heaven finds some one to replace him. In retrospect, all I can say is what a bunch of fucking idiots. Sure, Kings Wen and Wu, you sure explained why you did what you did. But guess what? Now every hungry peasant with a half-assed army is going to be trying to overthrow you and every other ruler, claiming to have the Mandate of Heaven backing them up. Way to think that one through buddy. Bad enough to think Heaven is up there judging me for doing body shots of fenjiu with various ladies with low moral standards, but to think that this sort of behavior would make me lose power? Total bullshit, but thanks to the Zhou there is probably some starving peasant, standing in his own filth, ranting about how they are the new Son of Heaven.

Now, why is the Zhou even on this list? Well, one reason people love the Zhou is because it lasted so damn long–1122 BCE-256BCE–but let’s not kid ourselves. They Zhou ruling house was only in power for a small part of their dynasty. This brings us to the real reason this period rocked–lots of small states fighting for control of the world (in other words China). Sound familiar? Yes my dear readers, there is much in common between the latter part of the Zhou (known as the Warring States period) and the current warlord era (soon to be known as the Rise of Yan Xishan Era). In both times we see great men enjoying the hunt, the battle, and the spoils of war. All this death and destruction made for some great philosophy, which you can learn about here. But beyond that the Zhou saw the rise of the autocratic state, focused solely on destroying other autocratic states. Without their advances in taxing and recruiting peasants, where would I be?

I tell you where I would not be–kicking back in my war room, getting an anmo from a young JPA recruit, and getting my beer served by a robot. Thanks for that King Wen. I am sure that is what you had in mind when you cut off the head of the last Shang king.

YXS

#8 Most Impressive Dyansty: the Yuan

Loyal Readers:

I got a letter from Jiang Jieshi the other day. I opened it, and read it, it said he was a sucka. True story, thought you should know.

Last week I was giving the latest installment in my 10-part lecture series on the greatest dynasties of all time to the JPA when I had a strange thought. Now normally I keep my thoughts to myself–did not the great Han Feizi warn us that the ruler must be mysterious and unknowable?–but I like you, so I think I can let you in this one time.

Well, but first I have to tell you about the lecture, which is the whole point of this blog post, so here it goes. The lecture concerned the #8 Most Impressive Chinese Dynasty, the Yuan. Now I know what you are thinking (you see, unlike me, you are not so mysterious). You are wondering how I could consider the Yuan to be a great dynasty, when not only was it a short lived dynasty, but a foreign dynasty as well! And not just a foreign dynasty, but a dynasty created and ruled by the the most dirty and dastardly of the barbarians, the Mongols!

Of course these are all fine complaints. What good is supreme power if you cannot hold onto it long enough to make at least 10 generations of peasants truly miserable? And yes, Mongols are Mongols. I mean, sure I enjoy the dirty and dastardly company of certain shapely members of the “Golden Horde” but those are merely professional relations. I certainly would never let them place me third on a social stratification scheme, nestled between random foreigners and rice munching southerners.

That said, look at this beautiful map:

Oh my, ain’t she a beaut? And this is why, even though the dynasty was as short-lived as a bottle of fenjiu in my liquor cabinet, we must give proper respect to the Yuan. They knew how to conquer. If it wasn’t for some dumb luck, they would have finished off Europe as well. I am actually glad that they never got around to that… I imagine this will be my legacy, and it would be rather tainted if some yurt-dwelling fool beat me too it.

A few things we can learn from the Yuan. First, killing people is good. Killing lots of people is even better. Why? Because after you kill lots of people, other people will be afraid of you and give you shit, like their homeland to rule. How sweet is that? Second, if you cannot defeat an enemy, get some of the enemy to join you so you can kill the rest of their people. Which leads me to number three, people are stupid. I mean, come on Song China! Which one of you douchebags said “Hmmm, the Mongols can never defeat us without a navy. Well, I better see about getting them a navy!”

The Mongols also showed us the wisdom in hiring laowai to do shit for us. They hired a bunch of laowai, except then they were called semuren. I got some laowai working for me. No, not just the working girls, I got a truckload of American military advisers. Does not seem fair, they got Marco Polo, I get General Bragg and his “fight Japan” bullshit.

Well, back to the strange thought I had. During my lecture, I was talking about how the Mongols, being idiots, originally wanted to convert all of north China into pastures for their horses. Luckily they were talked out of it by an intelligent (which is to say non-Mongol) official. This plan would have called for the extermination of all the residents of north China–my people would have been wiped out, my beautiful Shanxi made to look like pony heaven–and Yan Xishan never would have existed. Funny how history works sometimes.

Well, guess what Mongolia? You missed your chance, cause I am alive and kicking! You best believe I will not shed a tear for your would-be grandchildren after I turn your grasslands into the world’s biggest poppy field.

Like I said, funny how history works sometimes.

YXS

#9 Most Impressive Dynasty: the Shang

Loyal Readers,

My apologies in the long delays between my posts–from your emails (remember, you can always reach your favorite warlord at YanXishan at gmail dot com) I know that many of you are eagerly following my countdown of the greatest Chinese dynasties. Do I really need to add the word Chinese to that sentence? Like a non-Chinese dynasty could be better than a Chinese one? Ha! Don’t make me laugh. Those readers who have written in have impressed me, and not only because they have universally praised my wisdom and leadership. No, I am also struck by their commitment to learning more about Chinese culture. This is only natural, not just for my Chinese readers, but for the ethnically-challenged (which is to say, non-Chinese) among you. Why? As we say in Chinese, allow me to gift you a word: 天下. Tianxia is what we Chinese control, and since it means “all under Heaven” you can best believe it includes that piece of land you are currently occupying.

I got a little of track there. Back to today’s topic, the ninth most awesome dynasty of all time, the Shang. As I stressed to the JPA in the lecture I gave to them, the Shang earn our respect largely due to their cold-blooded nature. You see, the Shang had a complex social structure, with the rulers at the top, most naturally. At the bottom of the social structure were the slaves. Now, I am no fan of slavery–I prefer to underpay my workers and let them fend for themselves–but here we must find some respect for the Shang. You see, the function of the slaves was to provide human sacrifice for the dead ancestors of the Shang leaders, who were seen as mythical semi-animal divine beings. And those darn ancestors needed lots of sacrifice… thousands and thousands were killed at once in huge sacrifices. Take a look at this artistic representation of some hapless slaves being led to their deaths just to please some dead human/bird bastard:

Hmm…. don’t think that is going to end well for you buddy.

Now, my JPA recruits were a bit confused about what is so great about sacrificing thousands of slaves. What they had trouble wrapping their little Hello-Kitty-addled minds around was the fact that it was great leaders like the Shang kings of old who helped make sure that we here in the Middle Kingdom do not put too much value on human life. Without believing that some abstract concept (divine bird-men, Heaven, Communism) was more important than the lives of millions of peasants, Chinese civilization could never have taken off. Hell, even my most precious JPA would not exist! Forget being sacrificed, life without the JPA–that is just too scary to contemplate.

YXS

#10 Most Impressive Dynasty: the Sui

Loyal Fans of the Great Yan Xishan,

Over the next few weeks I will be giving a ten-part lecture for the JPA. Some of these fierce yet feminine warriors have requested that some of the information from the lectures be put online, so that they might get their study on while also downloading Hello Kitty decals to attach to their standard-issue fenjiu dispensers. I have agreed, in part so that I might educate you, the misinformed reader.

My goal in these lectures to help my rank-and-file better understand what Yan Xishan is all about. You see, I am not just here to have sex with my multi-ethnic entourage of working girls or to constantly remind Mao Zedong about all of his dead wives and missing children. No, Yan Xishan has an even loftier goal–to bring order and prosperity to China (and eventually the world, just like that punk Zhu Xi formulated). So I will take the JPA–and you lucky readers as well–through a tour of the Chinese past so that everyone will understand just what makes a great ruling house.

Enough foreplay, lets do the dirty.

#10 Most Impressive Dynasty: the Sui

It never ceases to amaze me that many otherwise educated Chinese have never heard of the Sui. Sure, most laowais do not know what the Sui was or what they were about, but that is to be expected: they are laowais and therefore stupid, if not in fact smelly. Perhaps the failure of knowledge that marks my countrymen stems from the fact that the Sui dynasty was rather short lived (581-618), as well as the fact that the dynasty was rather small. Check the map:

Shit, that is just embarrassing. Plus the founder of the Sui, Yang Jian (also known as Emperor Wen) was kind of a pussy. I know that you might not believe this, but he was monogamous! That meant he only had sex with one woman! And that woman was his wife! What is the point of being the Son of Heaven if you can only screw one woman?

But there were things about the Sui that can be emulated. You see, Yang Jian was not afraid to get his hands dirty and get involved in lives of his subjects. For an activist ruler such as myself, he makes a good model. He reformed the military. He also removed the dreaded “nine ranks” and made office holding non-hereditary. As you should know, I myself went from “rags to riches” (and bitches) so you know I love this. He also employed the “well-field system” to organize land holdings among the peasants. Normally I would not be big on anything promoted by “momma’s boy Mencius” but I find this system intriguing. I am using it with my poppy fields. Wait, did I say poppy? I meant sorghum. In any case, I am using a modified system. Instead of the nine shares for the peasants, one share for the ruler, we are switching it up so I get nine. I smoke way more sorghum then they do anyway.

But we as we learn from the Sui, we also learn from their mistakes. You see, the Sui went a bit too far with the whole activism thing under Emperor Wen’s son. First there was the Grand Canal–that must have seemed like a great idea until the peasant rebellions. Then there was the invasion of Korea… Damn those pesky 高丽膀子 !

So there is much to learn from the Sui. If there is one lesson I will hold close to the heart, it is not to just have one wife. Have many. And do not take the “Maoist” approach of having your wife killed off by the KMT so you can get a new one. Have many at one time! If we learn anything from Chinese history, I hope that we learn this.

YXS

Top Ten Chinese Thinkers: The Complete List

At the request of a few of my readers, here is my complete list of the top ten Chinese philosophers, all in one handy post. Enjoy…

#10

Loyal Readers,

After my recent comments on Kongzi, many of my fans wrote in asking for guidance. If Kongzi was unworthy of emulation, who might they turn to? In this light, I have decided to countdown the 10 greatest Chinese thinkers. These are the men whose minds helped shaped generations–not just in China but across the globe. And to be fair, I do respect Kongzi–I just don’t think he is the best model for the modern age. So he will probably turn up somewhere on this list. But first, we start with my #10 selection:

Sun Zhongshan, also known as Sun Yat-sen

Some might question my choice to put old Sun at the bottom of this list. Is he not, after all, the “Father of the Chinese Revolution”? In a word, no. Now, I joined Sun’s Tongmenghui way back in the day, back when we were all in Japan pounding sake and visiting Tokyo’s red light district (FYI your boy Sun could not hold his booze and had a few fetishes that even surprised the Japanese). So I am very much qualified to pass judgment on Sun Zhongshan, or Sonny as I called him.

You see, he had the most amazing ability to repeatedly fail–he was the original “cut and runner.” Every time he tried to overthrow those stinking Manchus, he would fail. Except he would never be there to face punishment, as he would be hiding out in HK. And when we finally brought down the Qing, where was he? Colorado, just where he was needed. What a joke. You know who the real Father of Chinese Revolution is? That’s right, Yan Xishan. But Stillwell, in a conversation with Fairbank, once drunkenly called me the “Stepchild of the Chinese Revolution” and I have yet to escape this stigma. Is it fair? No, but I live with it–we all have our crosses I guess.

So, final analysis of Sun Zhongshan….

Pro:

1. Married a woman young enough to be his daughter.

2. 3 Principles of the People (uninspired and never implemented, but hey it was something).

Con:

1. Best skills: Retreating and avoiding conflicts

2. Possibly married a Soviet Agent in Song Qingling

3. Created the conditions for decades of civil war

It is number 2 on the con list that really gets me. I mean, if you are going to deliver your nation to the Red Menace, at least do it via a Eastern European redhead named Natasha. That is the classy way to go about these things. So sorry Sonny, you barely make the list at #10.

#9

Times of strife and war create great minds. Just look at me–without the chaos of the downfall of the imperial system and the emergence of the Warlord Era, would I have reached my heights of brilliance?

Our number nine Chinese thinker lived during the Warring States era, another age marked by warfare and chaos.

Mozi, aka Mo Tzu

I see much to admire in Mozi, as in some ways he reminds me a lot of a young, less successful, less attractive Yan Xishan. Our similarities go far beyond our penchant for criticizing Confucius. Like me he was a man of action–he had a philosophy of action (youwei) that believed heaven helps those who helps themselves. As someone who helped himself to all of greater Shanxi, I could not agree more.

Plus he was all about military technology, creating all sorts of wonderful gadgets that could be used to kill people. I have mad respect for that. What is strange is that he preferred to side with weak states, helping them build up their defenses. As someone currently out of power, his affinity for the underdog is endearing. As someone who plans to be in power soon, it is troubling indeed.

To sum up:

Pro:

1. Military genius

2. Not afraid to call Kongzi a punk

Con:

1. Would probably attempt to stop my plans of military conquest.

2. Anti-family, promoted a concept of “universal love” (jian’ai). This was supposedly some kind of collective system enforced by strict hierarchy, but to me it sounds too much like the free love espoused by those damn Commies. Why does everyone want to take away my wives and distribute them to the peasant masses?

3. He used his military technology for defense only. He was–get this–a pacifist!

So while I respect the genius behind his technological innovations, Mozi was far too idealistic to serve as a true role model. Maybe if he cut down on whatever it was he was smoking, he would of done better, but as it is he clocks in at #9.

#8

As the Warring States came to a close, two kingdoms faced off over who would rule a unified China. Qi or Qin–which would it be? In one of these kingdoms, a wandering statesman helped seal the fate of China. This statesman is our #8 Chinese thinker.

Xunzi, aka Hsün Tzu

First up: Xunzi is a Confucian. One huge strike against him. But what makes Xunzi special is his this–he was one of the first to see mankind as it truly is: inherently evil. Just look at his portrait, you know he is thinking evil thoughts–probably involving Han Feizi’s third and sixth wives, some baijiu, and a tub of zhimayou. Xunzi thought people were born with a love for profit and sensual desires. I know he was correct, as this very much describes me. I mean, is there a better way to spend a weekend than drinking, whoring, and gambling? If you had to choose one Chinese philosopher to plan your bachelor party, it would be Xunzi. He is the kind of guy who, if things got out of hand, would help you bury the hooker. Compare this with Mencius, who has so many mommy issues he cannot even get a lap dance without bursting into tears.

So what is not to like? Well, Xunzi served at the court of Qi. And if you know your Chinese history (Spoiler Alert!) it was the state of Qin that unified China. So not only did Xunzi back a loser, in failing to stop Qinshi Huangdi he gave hope to countless other losers who get off on the idea of being the “Great Unifier.” I must say I find this damn annoying–you cannot imagine how many people are interfering with my goal of bringing China under Yan Xishan rule.

Pro:

1. Saw people for what they were–low down, nasty, perverted, egomaniacs.

2. Go-to-guy for bachelor parties

Con:

1. A follower, content to muddle along behind Confucius

2. In the geopolitical world of the Waring States, a loser

Xunzi, if you had only reversed the tide of history and helped create a unified Qi dynasty, you might be higher on the list, but as it stands be happy at #8. Or, be true to your nature and be angry and jealous, then work off that anger through sex and/or violence.

#7

YXS Fans,

Time to get back to business–the top ten Chinese thinkers list continues. Been getting a lot of feedback on the list, although not all of my readers have been contributing to the discussion. Many of you are loyal readers, but others stumble upon my site after Googling “Mongolian teenage hookers.” I encourage both groups to bring something to the table–you are all my soldiers, and a good warlord takes care of his men.

Speaking of which, taking care of his men is something that the #7 all-time Chinese thinker also does, although we go about it in different ways. I ensure my soldiers have plenty of booze and loot, while he gives his men plenty of reading material and 5% ownership of a communal wife. That is right, I am talking about this highly airbrushed guy:

“Chairman” Mao

Given the choice, you would think that any peasant with half of a brain would choose the loot and booze over an extended study session and a night with a communal wife every twenty days, but here is where Mao shows his genius: he offers his men the “wife lottery,” in that if the so-called “revolution” succeeds, there is a chance they could be sharing one of my many wives! Brilliant!

Throughout his career Mao has shown a capability for “outside the box” thinking. Take his idea of class warfare–Mao is a rich peasant! I could never have conjured the idea of turning on my own class, subjecting them to humiliating struggle and taking away their property. I guess that is why some have dubbed Mao “the dreamer.”

I am also a fan of Mao’s leadership style. Much like myself, he is not afraid of putting a subordinate in line or taking a few extra perks. Although what is up with the endless sleeping pills Mao? Ever even heard of fenjiu? And then there are the ladies. Here Mao cracks me up–he keeps on telling me that having nine wives is feudal, but what am I supposed to do? I guess I lack his ability to get my wives executed in a timely manner so I can get remarried. And don’t get me started on his new wife, Jiang Qing. The last I heard she was organizing an all-peasant stage production of Gone With the Wind. If he is smart he will accidentally “leave her behind” during my next mopping up campaign so that I can give her the patented “Shanxi Hay Chopper Chop.” If it was good enough for Liu Hulan, I am sure it is good enough for her.

The recap….

Pro:

1. Outside the box thinking in biting the hand that fed him

2. Genius in promoting the hope of sleeping with my wives

3. Ahead of his time in treating his VD by sleeping with more peasants

Con:

1. Good chance he is stealing his ideas from Chen Boda

2. Latest choice of wives is “problematic”

3. Gave VD to four of my six favorite Changsha sex workers

To be honest it is the last con that really burns me. Well, the burning has stopped, but you get the idea.

#6

Despite various threats received as a result of previous posts, the countdown continues. Sorry MZD, but I will not publish an apology just so your wife will let you move back into your cave.

Number Six on my list of Top Ten Chinese Thinkers will probably surprise some of my readers. Here he is, another product of the Warring States era:

Sunzi, aka Sun Tzu

That I include the great Sunzi on my list should not surprise anyone. Author of Sunzi Bingfa, which somehow got the hippie translation of Sunzi’s Art of War, Sunzi was one of the first to really get philosophical on the proper method of killing large numbers of peasants. As a ruthless warlord, I must admit that I could not have killed so many peasants without his sagacious wisdom. Take this pearl of genius:

“For them to perceive the advantage of defeating the enemy, they must also have their rewards.”

Hence my insistence that my soldiers be aware of the drunken looting that follows victory. But I mainly appreciate Sunzi for how he argues for not fighting unless the peasant army you want to destroy is totally helpless. This has allowed myself (and all of my peers) to avoid war unless it is to our obvious and immediate benefit. BTW I promise I will get around to fighting those Japanese invaders when the time is right.

Some of my readers, however, must be surprised that Sunzi is not higher on this list. I know–to rank this great peasant murderer only slightly ahead of a man who lives in a cave with a hack actress–it is somewhat of an insult. But I must find great fault with Sunzi for one tragic mistake. He never made it clear that his methods were only to be used in killing peasants. The result of this tragic mistake has been a flood of texts using his bingfa for the most bizarre ends. By means of example, I once found my personal servant reading The Art of Germ War: Using Sunzi’s Philosophy to Clean Toilets. What is next? Using peasant killing philosophy to succeed in business? Don’t make me laugh.

Top Ten Chinese Thinkers: #1

The long wait is over. I am pleased to announce, without any further ado, the number one Chinese philosopher. The man worthy of your love and adoration. He is a man that was born in turbulent times, but never shrank away from danger, instead engaging and conquering a war-torn and fragmented state. Here he is:

Yan Xishan

That’s right, me. Who made Shanxi into the model province? Me. Who has ruled over Shanxi for two decades, earning the moniker “the Model Governor”? Me, that’s who!

When I was a young lad, I had nothing. I remember wanting to buy some fenjiu but not having enough money… the thought of having two Mexican silver dollars to rub together was a distant dream. But look at me now. I run Shanxi. I am rich and surrounded by sycophants who fear my wrath. I execute peasants the way Mao “accidentally” gets his wives executed–which is to say I do it a lot. I have more wives than Jiang Jieshi, Feng Yuxiang, and Zhang Zuolin put together.

And you know, for a long time I was not the strongest warlord in North China. Not even close. But I played the key role in balancing various factions. Everyone needed me, and I played that card like a pro. I am damn crafty. Yuan Shikai once wanted to have me executed as a traitor. How did that work out Yuan? Oh yeah, you are dead, and I am alive, blogging about how you are a punk. Feng Yuxiang? Yeah he wanted to occupy Shanxi, but guess what? He needed my support against some other warlord, so he could not do jack shit about it.

So, my Chinese brothers and sisters, do not emulate Confucius. Do not praise Sun Yat-sen. Do not worship Laozi. Turn to me, Yan Xishan, the most perfect whoring, drinking, and peasant-executing warlord/philosopher.

YXS