New Year’s Eve=Disappointment

Fellow Fans of Shanxi,

I was hoping to use this opportunity to wish all of you a most happy 1941 (or whatever year you are choosing to celebrate out there in the web-o-sphere), but my heart is heavy with frustration, and I must vent.

As you must surely know, I am not adverse to finding excuses to get loopy on fenjiu or the local Shanxi pijiu, and as such I had high hopes for this New Year’s Eve. I had the whole night planned in excruciating detail, with everything leading up to a buck-naked sparkling fenjiu toast with the three leading ladies of the local qinqiang opera circuit. They are known as the san guniang, and they are famous for both for their lovely eardrum-shattering timbre as well as their depraved bisexuality. I have already traded some of their panties to the Japanese Guandong Army for a truckload of shiny new handguns, so you can imagine how much fun my night would have been.

Would have been being the operative term. My current US military attaché is such a stubborn punk–he makes “Vinegar Joe” Stilwell look like Honey Joe. He went on and on about how his hearing aid had short-circuited the last time we entertained the san guniang, and insisted on what he referred to as “Plan B.” Reluctantly, I agreed to let him plan the evening. Well, he contacted Jiang Jieshi for some entertainers, and Jiang passed the buck to Li Zongren, the Guangxi warlord, who like me is a “general” in the Guomindang. Shit, if Li Zongren did not set out to ruin my night! He sent us what he insisted were Guangxi’s finest exotic dangers, but if that is true I feel sad for the Guangxi power-holders. These women seemed to think that by merely standing near a pole while naked they were real strippers! Where were the acrobatics? Were they not aware of our great nation’s long tradition of acrobatic performances? Pathetic. I would rather get a lap dance from Ding Ling.

While my attaché seemed impressed, he passed out long before midnight. I dismissed the Guangxi strippers and sold them to Japan for ammunition for my handguns. I did have some fun shooting into the air at midnight, but beyond that, what a waste!

YXS

#8 Most Impressive Dyansty: the Yuan

Loyal Readers:

I got a letter from Jiang Jieshi the other day. I opened it, and read it, it said he was a sucka. True story, thought you should know.

Last week I was giving the latest installment in my 10-part lecture series on the greatest dynasties of all time to the JPA when I had a strange thought. Now normally I keep my thoughts to myself–did not the great Han Feizi warn us that the ruler must be mysterious and unknowable?–but I like you, so I think I can let you in this one time.

Well, but first I have to tell you about the lecture, which is the whole point of this blog post, so here it goes. The lecture concerned the #8 Most Impressive Chinese Dynasty, the Yuan. Now I know what you are thinking (you see, unlike me, you are not so mysterious). You are wondering how I could consider the Yuan to be a great dynasty, when not only was it a short lived dynasty, but a foreign dynasty as well! And not just a foreign dynasty, but a dynasty created and ruled by the the most dirty and dastardly of the barbarians, the Mongols!

Of course these are all fine complaints. What good is supreme power if you cannot hold onto it long enough to make at least 10 generations of peasants truly miserable? And yes, Mongols are Mongols. I mean, sure I enjoy the dirty and dastardly company of certain shapely members of the “Golden Horde” but those are merely professional relations. I certainly would never let them place me third on a social stratification scheme, nestled between random foreigners and rice munching southerners.

That said, look at this beautiful map:

Oh my, ain’t she a beaut? And this is why, even though the dynasty was as short-lived as a bottle of fenjiu in my liquor cabinet, we must give proper respect to the Yuan. They knew how to conquer. If it wasn’t for some dumb luck, they would have finished off Europe as well. I am actually glad that they never got around to that… I imagine this will be my legacy, and it would be rather tainted if some yurt-dwelling fool beat me too it.

A few things we can learn from the Yuan. First, killing people is good. Killing lots of people is even better. Why? Because after you kill lots of people, other people will be afraid of you and give you shit, like their homeland to rule. How sweet is that? Second, if you cannot defeat an enemy, get some of the enemy to join you so you can kill the rest of their people. Which leads me to number three, people are stupid. I mean, come on Song China! Which one of you douchebags said “Hmmm, the Mongols can never defeat us without a navy. Well, I better see about getting them a navy!”

The Mongols also showed us the wisdom in hiring laowai to do shit for us. They hired a bunch of laowai, except then they were called semuren. I got some laowai working for me. No, not just the working girls, I got a truckload of American military advisers. Does not seem fair, they got Marco Polo, I get General Bragg and his “fight Japan” bullshit.

Well, back to the strange thought I had. During my lecture, I was talking about how the Mongols, being idiots, originally wanted to convert all of north China into pastures for their horses. Luckily they were talked out of it by an intelligent (which is to say non-Mongol) official. This plan would have called for the extermination of all the residents of north China–my people would have been wiped out, my beautiful Shanxi made to look like pony heaven–and Yan Xishan never would have existed. Funny how history works sometimes.

Well, guess what Mongolia? You missed your chance, cause I am alive and kicking! You best believe I will not shed a tear for your would-be grandchildren after I turn your grasslands into the world’s biggest poppy field.

Like I said, funny how history works sometimes.

YXS

A Train Ride too Far–the JPA in Shambles

YXS Loyalists,

As you must surely know, I recently embarked on a campaign to retake my homeland of Shanxi from those perverted wife-sharing Commies (they are actually currently sharing one of my own wives–luckily I am pretty sure hooking up with dirty peasant revolutionaries is grounds for divorce in the Shanxi legal code. If not, I will just add that when I get back).

After feasting with my US military advisers a few weeks back, I was shocked to see that they had no interest in helping me retake Taiyuan. I would have to go it alone. I gathered the JPA and set off on the slow train, with a brilliant stratagem in mind. I would take the JPA past Shanxi and into Shaanxi (yes you noob, these are two different places). Then I would strike from the West, where the Commies and their Comintern overlords would never see it coming.

Confident in my plan, I decided to enjoy the train ride. Is there a more beautiful place than the North China plains? I say not! As is my custom, I began to relax with a bit of booze. But the beer on the train was warm–backwards! The Model Governor does not drink warm beer! The train must be under the control of Feng Yuxiang, that guy would not know modernization if it mechanically bit off his ass. Luckily I had brought ample amounts of fenjiu, that Shanxi salve for all that bothers a modern warlord.

Alas, this is when things got out of control. I should have known better than to drink with the JPA. Pretty soon I was doing body shots, drinking fenjiu out the bellybutton of one of my quartermasters, a young Miss. Liu. Next thing you know, I wake up under the bottom bunk! That was like the xia xiapu. To my horror, we had long since passed both Shanxi and Shaanxi and were nearing the Tibetan highlands. To make matters worse, the JPA, deprived of their beloved leader, had lost their collective senses and debarked the train at various stops. All that was left was my reserve of crack troops that serve as my personal bodyguards/qi collection vessels. As well as Miss Liu, who was kind enough to accompany me to the xia xiapu.

I am attempting to regroup. It will not be easy. The locals here cannot understand my flawless Shanxi Chinese. But bringing down the Qing dynasty was not easy either. And I did that–BTW you can thank me the fact that you do not have to wear a queue. I used to have to rock one of those when I was pretending to be a Manchu loyalists–trust me, the ladies were not fans.

See you in Shanxi.

YXS

PS: Help another loyalist such as yourself by voting for Beijing Boyce (first member of the YXS Blogroll) in the 2007 China Blog Awards. Information can be found at his site here:

http://www.beijingboyce.com/2007/07/obama-schmama-make-boyce-your-choice/

A Warlord Returns

Loyal Readers,

I write to you from the comforts of the US military finest air transport. I am working on my fifth martini (gin, very dry) and enjoying a Cuban cigar–General Bragg has been kind enough to give me a case of these beautiful creations as a parting gift. These creature comforts have only increased my happiness, as I must admit I am ecstatic–I am on my way back to the Motherland, to reclaim my rightful place at the helm of Shanxi, the greatest place on earth.  It truly is the magical kingdom.

Exactly how will I accomplish this? I wish I could tell you, but alas, due to military concerns my plans must remain confidential. All I can tell you is that the plan involves the JPA and a few hundred cases of fenjiu. First stop is Beiping, where I will attempt to work out a deal with Feng Yuxiang or whatever warlord currently controls the former Beijing.

On to victory! In the meantime, I will get back to drinking these delicious martinis. It must be the altitude… I am getting fantastically loaded.

YXS

Laowai

Readers,

Taking a break from the top ten countdown, but number #7 is a biggie so be sure to keep an eye out for an upcoming post.

There has been a lot of talk on the internet these days about the proper usage of the term “laowai.”  One of my fans–a self-proclaimed “charter member of the YXS empire,” wrote in and asked my opinion.  Well done my friend.  I find myself in a unique position to answer this query.  First, I am a well-educated member of the Shanxi elite.  Second, I have had numerous dealings with foreigners, both members of the US military as well as a large group of ethnically diverse prostitutes.

First, is this term offensive?   According to my understanding, it simply means that the person in question is not Chinese.  So yes, it is highly offensive.

Second, how do people use this term?  Here is the real surprise–I have never used it, not once.  I prefer the term gaisidelaowai.  When I am talking about Stillwell, however, I usually use the term tamadelaowai.

YXS

A Strange Event

Loyal Readers,

Many have written me asking how the plans for the reoccupation of Shanxi are going. I will address these concerns shortly, but in order to do so I must first discuss the issue of cultural estrangement.

As we all know, Yan Xishan is quite cosmopolitan. As I have noted earlier, in my youth I studied at a Japanese military academy, and have had extensive contact with the US through my military advisors in Taiyuan. I have also had business dealings with Russian and Mongolian whores. Now that I am temporarily stationed in the US, however, I have found some things beyond my comprehension. Strike that—I have found that in some ways Americans are crazy and make no sense.

Thus last week some of my advisors held what they called a “Four-Twenty Party.” At first I thought this was a reference to a military code, but searching my US Army manuals, I found no such reference. Given that most American holidays revolve around drinking and gift giving, I inferred that perhaps I was to spend four dollars and twenty cents on booze. I thus purchased six cans of “Milwaukee’s Best”—in retrospect I hope the claim inherent in this moniker proves to be false.

I arrived at the party, only to be greeted by an odor most foul. I believe that some of the guests brought beer that had been skunked. The behavior of the crowd was also most peculiar. Take for example the JPA, who had also attended. They spent most of the time eating American BBQ, which is strange, as they hate American food! They usually refuse to eat anything that is not cooked in malatang, but here they were stuffing hamburger after hamburger in their mouths. I fear we may need to resize the JPA uniform.

I ran into General Bragg, who insisted I tell the assembled guests about my plan to retake Shanxi with the Zombie JPA. I protested most vigorously, as I considered this matter top-secret. He insisted, so I proceeded to outline in detail my cunning plan, thinking that perhaps I could influence some policy makers. To my horror, the reaction was not awe but laughter. Non-stop laughter, as if they found my plan humorous.

This bizarre reaction leads me to believe my invasion plan will not be approved for funding. Back to the drawing board.

YXS

A new plan to retake Shanxi!!!

Loyal Readers and Wary Enemy Combatants,

 I write you in a state of great agitation.  From Taiyuan and in Shanxi in general I have been receiving distressing reports regarding the actions of both Jiang Jieshi and those Commie Pinkos.  Jiang Jieshi’s nutbag wife has been dismantling my favored drama troupes and has instructed her new troupe to prepare a production of Macbeth.  Out out damn spot indeed!  Meanwhile Zhu De has personally “liberated” my forth wife.  At least he could have done me the favor and also taken the first wife off my hands.  

 But distress has led me to develop a new and dare I say foolproof plan to retake my former stronghold (although I don’t think I will take back number 4, she has in theory now slept with all of greater Yan’an).  The story of how this plan came to me is interesting in and of itself.  Last Friday I was feeling depressed and borrowed General Bragg’s jeep to go for a ride, thinking that this might cheer me up.  But the damn clean air just mocked me and made me miss my coal mines that much more.  Luckily General Bragg, being a complete and total soak, always has a bottle or five of booze in the glove compartment.  I drove around drinking until I passed out.  As luck would have it I rambled off road and came to a stop in a large parking area.  When I awoke I was surrounded by other cars, all of use facing a large movie screen.

I would later learn that this bizarre setup is called a “drive in theater.”  Crazy Americans—what is next, drive in restaurants?  But I digress.  The movie they were showing gave me a genius idea, one which will no doubt catapult me back into power.  What is this idea? 

Zombies.  That is right, zombies.  Brain eating undead.  We all know the Commies have small brains, but brains they must have.  How could a Yan Xishan led army of zombies fail?  They cannot be killed—they are already dead!  I am already planning my victory parade.  

In order to put my plan into action I am preparing one of my JPA units.  Luckily, they will eat anything, but unluckily they only eat food cooked hotpot style. I have added cow brains to their malatang diet, they love it although I doubt they have any idea what they are eating.  Hopefully when they are zombie-fied they will not require seasoning on their foods.

But how to turn them into zombies?  This part of the equation eludes me for the moment.  General Bragg refuses to discuss this.  Shit, all he does is drink and call me “inscrutable.”  That is why I am calling on you, loyal member of the Yan Xishan Empire, to help spread the word about this plan.  Email this plan to everyone you know, especially those in leadership positions in the military-industrial complex.  Let them know about this great plan and soon the Zombie JPA will be eating Commie brain!

St. Patrick’s Day

Dear Readers,

My deepest regrets for not writing earlier, I know may of you have been concerned for my health, while others were hopeful that I would be scheming my way back into my Taiyuan stronghold.  Alas, the traitorous forces of the wife-sharing Commies are still too strong.  But my diviners, using the Yiching, have assured me that I will be back in Shanxi before too long.  They say Jiang Qing will desire to get back into acting and pressure Mao Zedong (who is totally whipped) to move to Hollywood, at which time I will be able to airlift my crack divisions of the JPA into place.

In the meantime, I am bored as hell in the heartland of the US.  My military advisors continue to urge me to adapt to local customs.  Their latest attempt was to introduce me to “St. Patrick’s Day,” which is supposedly some sort of Irish festival.  But it appears that is just another excuse for Americans to get stinking drunk.  I was told to wear something green, so of course I dressed in my military gear.

We went to several local watering holes and consumed copious amounts of beer and spirits.  As usual I drank my companions under the table.  After drinking fenjiu since I was 8, I can handle the booze pretty damn well.  I wish I could say the same for General Bragg–seeing a decorated war hero puke green beer is a memory I wish I had blacked out.

I did get pretty drunk, of course, and the last part of the night is pretty hazy.  I awoke this morning, still wearing my boots but not my pants, which is strange.  I am missing one of my medals, which has been replaced by a “Kiss me I’m Irish” button.  I also had a green clover drawn on my face and a rubber bracelet that reads “Sex Addict”

All in all a suitable holiday.  Hopefully we can all celebrate next year in Shanxi.

YXS

The Shit Hits the Fan in Shanxi

Dear Loyal Readers,

Alas, it has been some time now since I have had time to update my blog and let you know how my quest to tighten my grip on Shanxi goes. Well, now that I do have the time, the news is not good. How bad is it? Well, I had to be evacuated to the US by my American military advisors!

So as I sit here (not even sure where I am, all I know is that I am somewhere near a so-called “Montana”) missing my fenjiu and donkey bings, I thought I would let you all know what went wrong. No surprise it was the JPA that caused all these problems.

Turns out that the JPA and thier awesome outfits pissed off Madame Jiang Jieshi. She is a jealous hater. She organized her own milita, but instead of dressing them in “Juicy” pants, she chose to cover her girls in “Ambercrobie and Fitch” gear. It was not long before the “Girls who wear Ambercrombie and Fitch” (as they were known) were marching on my stronghold in Taiyuan.

Desperate, I called on the JPA to defend me and the honor of Shanxi. But the girls were caught unprepared–they just had an epic hotpot feast and all were suffering from a serious case of laduzi. They were overrun and I was forced to flee. Oh, how I hate “Girls who wear Ambercrombie and Fitch”!!!

Well, my advisors promise me that I will return to Shanxi in victory. In the meantime they are taking me out to introduce me to “cheeseburgers and beer.” Hopefully they will not suck.

So until my return, whenever that will be, I must take my leave. Solider on my dear readers.

YXS

Happy Halloween, Shanxi Style

To my Loyal Readers,

Allow me the extreme yet sublime pleasure of wishing you a Happy Halloween from lovely downtown Taiyuan. Many of you are probably a bit confused, wondering exactly how it is that we celebrate Halloween here in Shanxi.

Well, like many changes here it is the result of my nonstop modernization drive. I was mainly interested in stocking up on the latest US-made weapons, but my advisors insist that I bring some culture to the masses. Thus we have imported a host of Western holidays, although I do suspect that my American advisors are just looking for excuses to get drunk and go whoring. Like they need an excuse!

Take Halloween. They keep on telling me how it is a great holiday because women get a chance to dress like sluts. They keep on talking about costumes such as the “Slutty Nurse” or the “Slutty Policewoman.” Sounds great, yet at the Taiyuan Halloween Bash, all we had was wall-to-wall “Slutty Peasants.” Not so sexy.

As for me, I had lots of trouble finding a costume. As you can see from my picture, I take my appearance very seriously! I was going to dress up like Jiang Jieshi–seemed simple enough, just put on his uniform and get one of the JPA girls to follow me around wearing a cat outfit and a whip. But after consideration, I decided that will all the discipline problems I have been having with the JPA, I should not give them a chance for revenge. Then I thought about going as “the Chairman” but then again, what would that be like? Would I have to share my wives with the peasant masses? No thanks!

All my other ideas sucked. How about going as Hitler? My advisors said it was “too soon.” Maybe after the war it will be a good costume idea?

In the end, I just kind of gave up and started drinking heavily. If anyone asked me who I was dressed as, I just said I was Churchill. Well, better luck next year. In the meantime my advisors are already looking forward to ‘Thanksgiving,” whatever that is. They insist I hunt down some kind of mythical ultra-chicken!

YXS