Patriotic Masturbation

November 27, 2009

Dearest Readers:

My deepest apologies for not updating my “blog” sooner, but I had been away from Taiyuan, which, I am proud to say, is quite lovely this time of year.  Just this morning I was lounging on my extra large kang, watching a private performance from one of my favorite local opera stars (a lovely lass, but only when in full make-up, a long story indeed), looking out into the frigid city, which was choked with coal smoke, and I exclaimed how happy I was to be back in Shanxi.

You see, I have just returned from a super top-secret meeting in Chongqing with my fellow KMT leaders, deciding on how to best pretend to resist Japan while secretly crushing the Red Menace.  I cannot tell you the details of the plan, but it involves this odd creation I learned from your internets, some sort of food that is passed off as Chinese food and has the odd moniker “Orange Chicken.”  Perhaps you have heard of it?  We certainly do not have it in China, but I plan to have my chefs perfect this dish and introduce it into CCP territory, starting with the Jin-Cha-Ji base area.  After eating this crap, it is just a matter of time before Mao and his wife sharing peasant hordes drop dead from malnutrition. Surely this is the most brilliant military plan ever hatched over hotpot!

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Hey America: What About the Sloshed Shanxi Sex Workers?

May 15, 2009

Note: I normally address my “blog” speeches to you, fine reader, but today I must speak directly to the great provider of funding, the US government.  Don’t worry, I will holla at y’all real soon.

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Hey America!  Yeah, that’s right Uncle Sam, I am aiming this “blog” straight at your Schlitz and SPAM loving noggin.  It’s me, Yan Xishan, the Model Governor, the Tomcat of Taiyuan, and the next president of China.  You remember me, I am your best hope to fight off those filthy sickos of the Japanese empire.  You know that I handle my “bizness” here in Shanxi and have more than a few hands in your pockets, thanks to my homies in the China Lobby.  Did you really think I would not hear about this sweet new source of funding?  Shit, I know more about US loans than Deng Xiaoping knows about lajiao and explosive diarrhea.

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Searching for Yan Xishan

November 9, 2008

Gentle Readers:

Today I offer you a special treat—-a look inside your favorite blog.  While all of my readers are passionate and devoted followers, they did not all come to discover this most excellent blog in the same manner.  Indeed, my readers are a diverse bunch.  Take a look at the top search returns that led internet junkies to the Yan Xishan Blog.

1. Laozi

2. Han Feizi

3. Jiang Jieshi

4. Yan Xishan

5. Xunzi

6. Chinese Thinkers

7. Yuan Shikai

8. Mongolian Teenage Hookers

9. Mongolian Whores

10. Sunzi

11. Ming Dynasty

12. Beijing Whores

13. Juicy Pants

14. Dalai Lama

15. Xiao Yun

That is some list, and I must admit it surprises me a bit.  Laozi as the number one referring search term?  Jiang Jieshi listed above Yan Xishan?  What a joke!  That serves as a powerful reminder that we all need to do more work to get my name out.

Perhaps equally surprising, how about them whores?  Are more people looking for Mongolian whores than Beijing whores?  Or are people looking for Beijing whores turning to other internet authorities?  Because that would be a huge mistake on thier part.

Finally, the Dalai Lama in a juicy pants and Xiao Yun sandwich—-that is priceless.

YXS


Defending Shanxi

October 21, 2008

Dear Readers:

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to rest.  I mean, sure I take constant vacations, and even when I am on the clock I am usually passed out or on the way towards oblivion.  But even when I am holed up in my Taiyuan stronghold with one of my many wives or a collection of unfortunate peasant girls, I am always thinking about the greatest place on earth, my lovely Shanxi.

There are those who do not share my love of Shanxi, and as such they attack me, the JPA, and the good (read stupid) peasants that farm and pay taxes.  That is right, I am taking to you, the Chinese Communist Party.  Oh, and you too, Jiang Jieshi, don’t think I forgot how you tried to punk me in the 30s.

Recently, the anti-Shanxi voices in my head just seem to get louder and louder.  Take this example here, of a girl who has decided that she should marry a stinking laowai because “China does not have any men suitable” for her.  Now, normally I do not care about such silly statements.  As a warlord controlling vast resources, I have all the women I need, both foreign and domestic (BTW, same goes for my booze).  Plus I have met plenty of laowai men through my contacts with the US military, and so for any woman who would want to marry one of these half-baboon creatures, good luck.

But this woman crossed the line with this statement:

China definitely does not lack rich men, but have a look at what kind of people they are. How many of them succeeded due to their own effort, ability or honesty? If they are not brick-moving labour contractors, then they are coal-digging boss from Shanxi, or they are corrupt. They are neither civilised, nor do they have a good bearing. How am I supposed to converse with them? To be honest, they will regard it as art if you are able to hum a few lines of pop music.

Hold on there girl!  Why did you have to drag the good and honest coal-digging bosses of Shanxi into this mess?  Why, some of my closest friends are coal-digging bosses of Shanxi!  They are hard workers, who demand nothing but the best from their workers, even if that means creating dangerous working situations that result in multiple and preventable deaths.  Are we supposed to just give up on cheap and dirty coal power?  Ha!  You think power comes from the sky like rain or sunshine?

Moreover, we Shanxi men are men of culture.  Pop songs?  Please, you truly do not understand these great men, who delight in five-hour long operas, best viewed with a bottle of fenjiu in one hand and an underpaid and possibly diseased sex worker on your lap.

In the end, I am conflicted.  On one hand, women like this, so ignorant of Shanxi, should be shown the door and invited to leave China for whatever third-rate first world country will take them.  Might I suggest Canada?  On the other hand, that such anti-Shanxi sentiment is spreading is troubling to say the least.

Will it be my responsibility alone to restore the good name of Shanxi to the internet?

YXS


Let’s Raise Some Awareness!

June 15, 2008

Hola Followers of the Great Me:

Yes, once again a long time has past since I had the opportunity to “blog”; my apologies if you were concerned that my Shanxi supercomputer had malfunctioned, leaving me with no way to update you on the world of Taiyuan, circa 1941. There in fact was nothing wrong with my supercomputer–certainly nothing a dip in a vat of our famous Shanxi vinegar could not fix. No, I have been unable to update this most awesome of all blogs due to recent events here in the Middle Kingdom. What a tragic few months we have had here, it is enough to bring a tear to my eye. Of course I am way too dehydrated to ever cry (little known bonus effect of daily fenjiu consumption), but you get the idea.

Where to start? The damn Commies continue to gain power in the rural hinterlands. I have become increasingly exasperated–how can Mao execute so many landlords while still finding time to spread VD among his many “cultural troupes”? True multi tasking. The Guomindang is still under the control of a brain-dead leader who cannot see the brilliance of what historians will one day call “The Shanxi Way.” And the Japs–don’t even get me started on those pervs.

To add a new level of tragedy, there has recently been a major earthquake down in the Sichuan basin. Word is that you could even feel it up here in Shanxi, although I felt nothing. And when I say I felt nothing I literally felt nothing–I was passed out in my private opium den, my Shanxi Beerbot opening bottles using my nostrils. A few buildings here in Taiyuan collapsed, but that is nothing new. My nephew wins most of the contract bids around town, and I don’t mind telling you, he is as incompetent as he is corrupt. I would not even let him build me a birdhouse, although schools for the poor are another thing altogether.

Now the details of what happened down in Sichuan are pretty hazy–you have to understand that here in 1941 there is almost no mass media, and the internets is pretty haphazard at best. But it seems that in the aftermath of the earthquake, all Chinese are coming together to help our Sichuan brothers and sisters. Of the various fund raising drives, only one, however, has truly caught my eye. I speak of the work of Xiao Yun (that is Little Cloud to you laowai), a young Sichuan lass who has decided to encourage philanthropy by stripping down for the camera. Xiao Yun, take it away:

Now I could post a few more of the photos, and I am sure those of you who stumbled onto this blog by searching for “Beijing teenage hookers” (you know who you are) would be pretty excited about that. But I think this image speaks volumes–nothing says “donate to charity” like a girl stretched out on a fake sheep skin rug.

Now, some have been quick to attack Xiao Yun, saying that she is out for fame. But I applaud her willingness to use her body for the greater good. With this in mind, I hereby order Xiao Yun conscripted into the JPA. If she wants to sacrifice her body for China, she can do it on the front lines with the rest of the Juicy Pants girls. Don’t worry Xiao Yun–there will be plenty of hot pot, so you will feel right at home.

YXS


#10 Most Impressive Dynasty: the Sui

November 14, 2007

Loyal Fans of the Great Yan Xishan,

Over the next few weeks I will be giving a ten-part lecture for the JPA. Some of these fierce yet feminine warriors have requested that some of the information from the lectures be put online, so that they might get their study on while also downloading Hello Kitty decals to attach to their standard-issue fenjiu dispensers. I have agreed, in part so that I might educate you, the misinformed reader.

My goal in these lectures to help my rank-and-file better understand what Yan Xishan is all about. You see, I am not just here to have sex with my multi-ethnic entourage of working girls or to constantly remind Mao Zedong about all of his dead wives and missing children. No, Yan Xishan has an even loftier goal–to bring order and prosperity to China (and eventually the world, just like that punk Zhu Xi formulated). So I will take the JPA–and you lucky readers as well–through a tour of the Chinese past so that everyone will understand just what makes a great ruling house.

Enough foreplay, lets do the dirty.

#10 Most Impressive Dynasty: the Sui

It never ceases to amaze me that many otherwise educated Chinese have never heard of the Sui. Sure, most laowais do not know what the Sui was or what they were about, but that is to be expected: they are laowais and therefore stupid, if not in fact smelly. Perhaps the failure of knowledge that marks my countrymen stems from the fact that the Sui dynasty was rather short lived (581-618), as well as the fact that the dynasty was rather small. Check the map:

Sui Map

Shit, that is just embarrassing. Plus the founder of the Sui, Yang Jian (also known as Emperor Wen) was kind of a pussy. I know that you might not believe this, but he was monogamous! That meant he only had sex with one woman! And that woman was his wife! What is the point of being the Son of Heaven if you can only screw one woman?

But there were things about the Sui that can be emulated. You see, Yang Jian was not afraid to get his hands dirty and get involved in lives of his subjects. For an activist ruler such as myself, he makes a good model. He reformed the military. He also removed the dreaded “nine ranks” and made office holding non-hereditary. As you should know, I myself went from “rags to riches” (and bitches) so you know I love this. He also employed the “well-field system” to organize land holdings among the peasants. Normally I would not be big on anything promoted by “momma’s boy Mencius” but I find this system intriguing. I am using it with my poppy fields. Wait, did I say poppy? I meant sorghum. In any case, I am using a modified system. Instead of the nine shares for the peasants, one share for the ruler, we are switching it up so I get nine. I smoke way more sorghum then they do anyway.

But we as we learn from the Sui, we also learn from their mistakes. You see, the Sui went a bit too far with the whole activism thing under Emperor Wen’s son. First there was the Grand Canal–that must have seemed like a great idea until the peasant rebellions. Then there was the invasion of Korea… Damn those pesky 高丽膀子 !

So there is much to learn from the Sui. If there is one lesson I will hold close to the heart, it is not to just have one wife. Have many. And do not take the “Maoist” approach of having your wife killed off by the KMT so you can get a new one. Have many at one time! If we learn anything from Chinese history, I hope that we learn this.

YXS


Remembering a Fallen Warlord–Feng Yuxiang

August 24, 2007

Loyal Readers,

Being back in Taiyuan is great–how I survived those long months of near captivity in the United States, not to mention my near disastrous campaigns out in the Tibetan highlands, I have no idea. I swear I may never leave my beloved Shanxi. My wives–at least those who were not pimped out to the peasant hordes–are keeping me loopy on fenjiu while my favorite qinqiang opera stars “perform” for me all night long. Damn it feels good to be a warlord.

But my good fortune has a tinge of sadness as I think of a former colleague who no longer shares the good warlord life. I speak of Feng Yuxiang.

As my more thoughtful readers might remember, I had suspected that my boy Yuxiang (no, not the fish sauce) might be in charge of Beiping, but I now know he is in charge of jack shit. You see, that pussy whipped cut-and-runner Jiang Jieshi is determined to keep Feng Yuxiang out of power. What a fall from grace… Feng and I were once within a battle or two of pushing Jiang Jieshi into an early retirement… who knows, maybe he could have gone to the US and learned how to use a fork. Jiang lucked out, and while I am still firmly in control of Shanxi, Feng does not have two Mexican silver dollars to rub together.

Now, Feng Yuxiang and I have had our differences. He has been at times known as the “Christian General” and the “Red General.” That tells you he is something of a moralist, and he loves to get on his high horse and tell people not to whore around, drink, or gamble. Fuck that! What is the point of being a warlord if I cannot get loaded with some whores and double the Shanxi treasury playing mahjong? As for the “Red General”–it is true that Feng spent way too much time in “mother Russia,” and since he was not banging Russian whores, you just have to think he is politically suspect.

But to be without an army, without a territory? Just too sad. Fuck, I am a bit depressed. Time to go do all the things that would make my former ally pray to his Western gods.

YXS