Patriotic Masturbation

November 27, 2009

Dearest Readers:

My deepest apologies for not updating my “blog” sooner, but I had been away from Taiyuan, which, I am proud to say, is quite lovely this time of year.  Just this morning I was lounging on my extra large kang, watching a private performance from one of my favorite local opera stars (a lovely lass, but only when in full make-up, a long story indeed), looking out into the frigid city, which was choked with coal smoke, and I exclaimed how happy I was to be back in Shanxi.

You see, I have just returned from a super top-secret meeting in Chongqing with my fellow KMT leaders, deciding on how to best pretend to resist Japan while secretly crushing the Red Menace.  I cannot tell you the details of the plan, but it involves this odd creation I learned from your internets, some sort of food that is passed off as Chinese food and has the odd moniker “Orange Chicken.”  Perhaps you have heard of it?  We certainly do not have it in China, but I plan to have my chefs perfect this dish and introduce it into CCP territory, starting with the Jin-Cha-Ji base area.  After eating this crap, it is just a matter of time before Mao and his wife sharing peasant hordes drop dead from malnutrition. Surely this is the most brilliant military plan ever hatched over hotpot!

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Oh, the Cantonese…

November 16, 2009

What sick shit will they think of next?  Hot pot, but replacing the broth with boiling elephant placenta?  Nothing those sick southern fucks might do could surprise me.

Way to go, Guangdongren.  Thanks to you, here is what the internet thinks of us Chinese folks:

Let’s just get this straight.  Up here in Shanxi, yes we do eat donkey, dipped in our famous and most delicious Shanxi vinegar (I have three bottles within reach right now).  But we do not go for this sick shit.  Southerners, you are on notice–you best get your culinary act in order, or–and I know this must sound crazy–but stop putting this shit online!  Otherwise you can get ready for a full on JPA invasion.  You will get your ass kicked Chen Jiongming style.

Yan out

No Mao Zedong, You Cannot Have the JPA

October 8, 2009

Hola Friends:

You know, I have had my share of problems with the Communists.  Fundamentally, we disagree on a number of critical issues, and these are disagreements that will never be overcome.  They want to communize my many wives, concubines, female friends, and various sex workers so that the peasant hordes will not have to engage in “alternative sexual survival strategies” (that is to say, two peasant dudes doing each other in the butt, then sharing their only lice-infested padded cotton jacket while they cuddle on an unheated kang).  Sorry, not going to happen!  And so they plot to overthrow me, and I root out their spies and agents, executing them in an increasingly inventive manner.

But if Mao Zedong and his fellow Soviet running dogs hate me so much, why the fuck are they imitating me?  No, they have not given up their sleeping pills for fenjiu, I speak of what I saw during one of thier recent parades.  Don’t ask me what they were celebrating… maybe Jiang Qing got the lead in the CCP’s new Gone with the Wind production?  Anyway, take a look at  this:

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Call It A Comeback

October 5, 2009

A Message to the True Faithful:

Yes, it is true.  I am back online.  What can I say?  Some shit went down.  Jiang Jieshi has been all up in my bizness, despite the fact that even while he “fights” the dirty Japs he has been obsessing about some former Geisha ‘ho.  More on that to come, but let me just say that I mean Geisha ‘ho in a very respectful way.

Hell, there is a lot to come, as I am exiting the gates swinging.  I cannot let my erstwhile allies hog all the press.  I plan to get my handsome face back on Time magazine shortly, and soon after that put Zhongguo in check the same way that Shanxi is held down.  Check back on this space for updates galore, including the continuation of my much beloved countdown of China’s top ten dynasties.

In the meantime, let me leave you with this tidbit.  You can try to throw my ass out of the bar, out of town, or hell out of the god damn province, but you will not be throwing me out of power any time soon.

Yan Out.

Hey America: What About the Sloshed Shanxi Sex Workers?

May 15, 2009

Note: I normally address my “blog” speeches to you, fine reader, but today I must speak directly to the great provider of funding, the US government.  Don’t worry, I will holla at y’all real soon.


Hey America!  Yeah, that’s right Uncle Sam, I am aiming this “blog” straight at your Schlitz and SPAM loving noggin.  It’s me, Yan Xishan, the Model Governor, the Tomcat of Taiyuan, and the next president of China.  You remember me, I am your best hope to fight off those filthy sickos of the Japanese empire.  You know that I handle my “bizness” here in Shanxi and have more than a few hands in your pockets, thanks to my homies in the China Lobby.  Did you really think I would not hear about this sweet new source of funding?  Shit, I know more about US loans than Deng Xiaoping knows about lajiao and explosive diarrhea.

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This Shanzhai Shit is Getting Out of Hand

May 4, 2009

Loyal Readers:

Once again I must take off my warlord hat and put on the refined headgear of your informed social commentator.  Why, you ask?  Because this shanzhai shit is getting out of hand.  Oh, you probably figured that out from the title of this post.

First, what is shanzhai?  Shit, if you do not know, you may be beyond help.  Shanzhai literally means “mountain fortress” but thanks to the intertube world is now used to refer to knock-off goods, and can also be translated into the American slang term “ghetto.”  BTW, if you are not familiar with this word, you must be living in a cave.  A dank, stinky, Yan’an cave filled with wife sharing, pill-popping, yangge-dancing dumb-ass peasants.

Secondly, how do we know that the shanzhai craze has gotten out of hand?  My first clue was the fact that during a recent Chinese autoshow, half the cars were knockoffs of Western models.  Here is one example:


Looks vaguely familiar, no?

My second clue was when the New York Times, the “Grey Lady” herself, starting talking about how shanzhai China has become:

Technological advances have allowed hundreds of small Chinese companies, some with as few as 10 employees, to churn out what are known here as shanzhai, or black market, cellphones, often for as little as $20 apiece.

Although shanzhai phones have only been around a few years, they already account for more than 20 percent of sales in China, which is the world’s biggest mobile phone market, according to the research firm Gartner.

Now, we all know that the NY Times is a tool in the Jiang Jieshi and Guomindang machine, so for them to call out China, in the middle of a fucking war, says something.  BTW, what the fuck is a cellphone?  I digress.  Did I mention the shanzhai soy sauce made from human hair?

Now, many of you may be wondering why I care so much about this shanzhai shit.  Well, let me level with you.  Yan Xishan has been holding down Shanxi for decades.  As I stated before, I am the real revolutionary.  I helped bring down the damn Qing dynasty!  But with this shanzhai shit, I fear in the future my memory will be overshadowed by some shanzhai revolutionary.  Sun Yat-sen, Jiang Jieshi, even (gasp) that infamous peasant fucker Zhu De.  I thus call on my Chinese brothers and sisters, let us be a little less ghetto, a little less nongcun, and a bit more Taiyuan.


JPA Recruit of the Month: Bai Ling

April 16, 2009

Gentle Reader:

How honored I am to have you back at The Yan Xishan Blog, reading up about the ongoing struggles of China’s most powerful and handsome warlord.  How deeply I regret leaving you without an update for so long.  Truly you have endured a bitter winter!  To be honest my winter has been long and cold.  Not only was Taiyuan colder than the steely glare I give to student demonstrators before demanding their executions, but I lost my favorite winter military garb to one of my US military advisors in an ill-advised bet.  Turns out that after 14 beers, I was not able to shoot an apple off of a prisoner’s head.  Don’t worry, the prisoner is still alive.  Crippled, but alive.

Well, now the sun is shining and my mood has never been better.  As such, I thought it would be a good time to introduce my readers to my newest JPA recruit, a young lass named Bai Ling.  Some of you may be familiar with Bai Ling, as she is evidently a popular actress.  She is also evidently bat-shit crazy, as I learned from one my new favorite “websites” Movieline.  As she told them:

I’m one of the best actresses. One day I will win an Oscar.

Such craziness is so rare, that I realized that she would have a place in the JPA.  In fact, she is already used to serving in the Chinese military, as she used to be in the PLA.  She will fit right in.  Plus she shares a lot in common with the other girls serving under me.  First, there is the misguided sense of fashion:


Second, there is the questionable dance skills (or skillz, if that is what the kids say these days):

My only concern is how to utilize her.  Unlike some of my other JPA ladies, I cannot imagine her working directly under me.  I mean, I wouldn’t fuck her with Zhu De’s dick, and if you know Zhu De, you know he is a peasant fucker, so you do the math.  Plus, what kind of leader would get with a crappy actress? Oh yeah, the kind that like to hang out in caves and pop sleeping pills.

Her ability to delude herself seems promising, and it seems white dudes like to bang her… maybe I will tell her that she can serve China by fucking the US military advisor that took my coat.  I bet that coat would look great with genital warts.