How to Drink Like a Warlord

January 17, 2010

Dearest Readers:

Recently, Beijing Boyce, the all-star blogger and friend to Shanxi’s most eligible warlord, published my list of the greatest bars of China’s erstwhile capital city.  You can read all about it right here.  Be sure to notice how kick-ass I look in my Time magazine cover.  In honor of this auspicious occasion, I thought I would provide a few tips so that you, my good readers, could learn to drink in true warlord fashion.  It ain’t easy, so get your yatou (you do have a servant girl, right?) to fetch a bottle and let’s get started!

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Merry Christmas from Hoth-like Shanxi

December 20, 2009

Dearest Readers:

It is the holiday season here in Taiyuan, which means a “temporary” truce with the hated Japs, bonus rations of vinegar for the troops, and a plenty of extra performances for my favorite qinqiang opera troop.  Tonight they are staging, at my request, a “mash-up” of The White-Haired Girl and A Christmas Carol.

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Hey America: What About the Sloshed Shanxi Sex Workers?

May 15, 2009

Note: I normally address my “blog” speeches to you, fine reader, but today I must speak directly to the great provider of funding, the US government.  Don’t worry, I will holla at y’all real soon.

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Hey America!  Yeah, that’s right Uncle Sam, I am aiming this “blog” straight at your Schlitz and SPAM loving noggin.  It’s me, Yan Xishan, the Model Governor, the Tomcat of Taiyuan, and the next president of China.  You remember me, I am your best hope to fight off those filthy sickos of the Japanese empire.  You know that I handle my “bizness” here in Shanxi and have more than a few hands in your pockets, thanks to my homies in the China Lobby.  Did you really think I would not hear about this sweet new source of funding?  Shit, I know more about US loans than Deng Xiaoping knows about lajiao and explosive diarrhea.

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