Patriotic Masturbation

November 27, 2009

Dearest Readers:

My deepest apologies for not updating my “blog” sooner, but I had been away from Taiyuan, which, I am proud to say, is quite lovely this time of year.  Just this morning I was lounging on my extra large kang, watching a private performance from one of my favorite local opera stars (a lovely lass, but only when in full make-up, a long story indeed), looking out into the frigid city, which was choked with coal smoke, and I exclaimed how happy I was to be back in Shanxi.

You see, I have just returned from a super top-secret meeting in Chongqing with my fellow KMT leaders, deciding on how to best pretend to resist Japan while secretly crushing the Red Menace.  I cannot tell you the details of the plan, but it involves this odd creation I learned from your internets, some sort of food that is passed off as Chinese food and has the odd moniker “Orange Chicken.”  Perhaps you have heard of it?  We certainly do not have it in China, but I plan to have my chefs perfect this dish and introduce it into CCP territory, starting with the Jin-Cha-Ji base area.  After eating this crap, it is just a matter of time before Mao and his wife sharing peasant hordes drop dead from malnutrition. Surely this is the most brilliant military plan ever hatched over hotpot!

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Hey America: What About the Sloshed Shanxi Sex Workers?

May 15, 2009

Note: I normally address my “blog” speeches to you, fine reader, but today I must speak directly to the great provider of funding, the US government.  Don’t worry, I will holla at y’all real soon.

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Hey America!  Yeah, that’s right Uncle Sam, I am aiming this “blog” straight at your Schlitz and SPAM loving noggin.  It’s me, Yan Xishan, the Model Governor, the Tomcat of Taiyuan, and the next president of China.  You remember me, I am your best hope to fight off those filthy sickos of the Japanese empire.  You know that I handle my “bizness” here in Shanxi and have more than a few hands in your pockets, thanks to my homies in the China Lobby.  Did you really think I would not hear about this sweet new source of funding?  Shit, I know more about US loans than Deng Xiaoping knows about lajiao and explosive diarrhea.

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